The Different Languages of "I'm Sorry"

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

I vividly remember the early disagreements of our relationship. We were still dating and the concept that this person I was head-over-heels for might have a differing viewpoint or preference literally stunned me.

Navigating differences of opinion, unmet expectations, hurt feelings, or surfacing mistrust in a relationship can be nothing short of a challenge. Resolving any type of discord between you and your significant other can feel awkward, messy, and even uncertain at the beginning. 

It takes time to learn about one another. It takes intention to learn how to love one another. And ultimately, the vulnerable, humble, open receptivity required of asking for and extending forgiveness can strengthen a relationship.

Because the Lord can bring good through all things, conflict can fortify and refine a couple, making them more “one.”

Once we’ve experienced contention, though, how do we go about reconciliation?

In the early days of our relationship, this was harder than we’d expected. That is, until my husband came across The 5 Apology Languages.

Like many of you, we’d heard of The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman’s popular book on the topic had been a New York Times Bestseller for over ten years. Then we discovered that there are reconciliation styles or “apologies languages” as well! This changed our relationship; but before it did, I had to be won over because I was skeptical. I believed that in a loving, trusting relationship, I should simply trust his apology was genuine.

Eventually, I agreed to take the online quiz. . . turns out we had very different apology languages!

The results of the quiz revealed that my primary apology language was “Expressing Regret.” According to 5lovelanguages.com, “for those who listen for ‘Expressing Regret’ apologies, a simple ‘I’m sorry’ is all they look for.” As someone who listens for this apology language, I need my other-half to express his genuine remorse for the emotional hurt that had been caused. As long as he acknowledges his regret for the hurt that I felt and expresses it wasn’t his intent, I can find closure and healing.

On the other hand, my spouse’s primary Apology Language was “Accept Responsibility.” As 5lovelanguages.com explains, “for many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, ‘I am wrong.’ If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere.” With this apology language, the admission of fault is key. For Joe, in order for him to feel the conflict was resolved, he needed me to accept responsibility for my action or words and the effect they had on him.

Example A of how this would unfold:

I am hurt. Joe would try to apologize by taking ownership for what he did: “I’m sorry that I said xyz. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Yet, I would still ache for him to say he didn’t mean to hurt me so we would not find complete closure from the conflict.


Example B, in the reverse scenario:

Joe is hurt. To try to make things right, I would say that I hadn’t meant to hurt him: “I’m sorry that it hurt when I said xyz; I didn’t mean to make you feel dismissed. I meant ____.”

Yet, in me trying to explain what my intention was, Joe heard excuses; he wanted me to say that I was wrong. I needed to admit fault and take accountability. Thus, the conflict remained unresolved.

As you can see, it’s so easy to “miss” each other in attempts to reconcile and resolve a misunderstanding or an interaction that left one or both people hurt.

Just as knowing your beloved’s love language helps us to care for them in the ways they want and need to be loved through physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts and quality time, so does knowing their apology language helps us to love them into healing and reconciliation.

Without this knowledge, we may unknowingly be overlooking an opportunity to extend charity where they seek it most.

More resources for understanding you and your spouse’s apology language:

Now You’re Speaking My Language by Gary Chapman

The Five Apology Languages by Gary Chapman

The Five Apology Languages Quiz

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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It's Here! All About Our New Advent Book Release.

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Today it’s our joy to announce the launch of our first full-length book, Awaited: an Advent Devotional for Catholic Couples!

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A longtime dream, we wrote Awaited specifically for couples to share in this season, side-by-side and face-to-face. While we've encountered a variety of liturgical resources for personal reflection, geared toward men or women individually, we envisioned a resource couples could use together--growing in understanding and delving deeper into the heart of God all the while. And here it is! 

We know engagement and married life are ripe for imagining the type of home, traditions, and celebrations you hope to create for your family.

So we’re so proud to offer you a devotional that’s both practically and spiritually edifying, rooted in Scripture and prayer, and encourages you and your beloved to dream and converse. We sincerely hope you love it and that it bears fruits in your relationship year after year.

Here’s what you’ll find inside:

  • Weekly focal points emphasizing different aspects of preparing for Christ's birth: preparing your home, your family, your marriage, and your hearts for the Christmas season

  • Daily reflections, questions, and action steps to read and discuss as a couple

  • Four guided prayer exercises intended to strengthen your shared spiritual lives, throughout Advent and beyond

Ready to get your copy? Ideal for any season of engagement, newlywed life, and years into marriage, Awaited is available now through Amazon and Barnes & Noble, in a digital format or beautifully finished, matte cover paperback.

Wait in hope. The Awaited One––He who will transform our marriages and our lives ––is near.

Feeling Stuck? How My Husband and I Recommit to Our Priorities.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

There is a lot dead in me that needs to be raised. 

During our long-distance engagement, my husband and I would excitedly anticipate finally being together every day and night, dreaming about all we wanted our married life to be: time spent face-to-face and not side-by-side; a shared sense of wonder with time spent outdoors and exploring our city; a home filled with inspiring literature and music. 

It was exhilarating, until the realization set in that we were spending many evenings next to each other on the couch, laptops open to separate projects we should have left at work; until it felt easier to skip a hike or bike ride and just keep clicking next episode; until our Sunday papers and poetry journals sat ignored in favor of our phones.

Why is it so easy to dream, but so hard to take actual steps toward realizing them? My marriage has been through several seasons like this, where apathy takes over and feels easier than making a change, even when we feel dissatisfied with our habits.

When you so deeply desire to be fully alive, bad habits just make you feel...dead.

Though we aren’t perfect at making an immediate change and turnaround, my husband and I have, fortunately, developed an easy list-making practice that helps us reorient ourselves and turn our focus back to what we truly value. If you’re in a “stuck” season yourself, I invite you to get out a notepad and try out a reset. Here’s how:

List 5 things you deeply love and hope to invest your time in.

Is it a favorite hobby? Hosting and hospitality? Quality time with family? Travel? To make this list, consider what renews you and your beloved, what you dream about doing, and what pursuits make time slow down. Write down what it is you love!

List the 5 things you most frequently invest your time in.

No judgment! Just honesty. Is your time most frequently spent on work? Chores? What types of leisure? Who are you with?

Maybe you can see where this is going.

Compare your two lists: is there any overlap? What areas of how you’re actually living your day-to-day align with how you’re hoping to live your day-to-day? 

It’s eye-opening to consider how well, or not well, your priorities and passions correspond to your daily choices. And for me, it’s motivating.

During the times I clearly see myself pushing aside the things that truly bring me alive, choosing the crumbs instead of the feast, I find myself thinking of the span of my life, and what the legacy of my actions, marriage, and family will be: decades from now, will I truly be able to say I sought what is beautiful, good, and fulfilling, or that I spent my life watching TV? To be clear! It’s certainly not wrong to spend an afternoon relaxing with a show you love. If, however, I consistently choose TV over something I objectively enjoy more, a habit is formed and that starts to become my life.

I should also be clear in saying I recognize that these big dreams, that first list of what you love, might feel like a privilege. Sometimes, circumstances and family situations dictate that we’re more beholden to work or that some pursuits aren’t financially attainable for the season you’re in. I encourage you, though, to dream anyway, trusting and hoping that in whatever moments of leisure you have, the Lord in his goodness will revive you still, inviting you to meet him where you are and use your time with intention.

Father, you who are eternal, thank you for the gift of time. May we use it to seek and find you, living lives of integration and fulfillment. Draw us back to you in all things.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Combating Comparison + the Pressure to Please in Wedding Planning

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

So much pressure surrounds the planning of a wedding day.

Whether it comes from family members, social media, or your own expectations, it’s not hard to see how this season of preparation can amount to great stress leading to the big day.

My husband and I lived long distance for the duration of our dating and engagement seasons. We went through a thirteen-month immigration process for us to get married; we planned three wedding dates, two of which were cancelled after experiencing immigration delays; and he finally arrived on this side of the border 1.5 weeks before our nuptials. Needless to say, we found the months that led to our matrimony immensely stressful.

However, nothing came close to the extreme pressure I felt to have a wedding that “lived up” to the expectations of the people who would attend our day. After all, we had very generous family members helping us finance the celebration and friends from all over the world flying in for the occasion; I wanted it to be worth their while. . .whatever that meant.

In the end, my wise husband-to-be led us in devising a wedding that would reflect our journey to becoming man and wife, our values, our taste, and our finances. The event wound up being a creative, quirky conglomeration of some of our favorite things. From having a ceremony between Sunday Masses, to hosting a reception at a coffee house, to serving dinner from a taco truck and a popsicle cart for dessert, it was unconventionally unique to us.

And to this day, we still hear from countless friends and family who share it was one of their favorite weddings to attend.

If I could go back and speak a word into the bridal stress of my life:

I would tell myself to drop the performance mentality and the pressure to please.

I would challenge myself to reflect on the meaning and magnitude of the day: that my fiance and I would be forging a covenant with one another and the Lord; that this day marked the ushering-in of our life together; that it was a day of celebrating us.

I would pray with the wisdom in Proverbs that states, “Fear of man becomes a snare.”  

Truthfully, “fear of man” became an idol above my fear of the Lord. 

“Fear of man” takes priority in our hearts when we place people’s thoughts, opinions, judgments over the Lord’s. 

People-pleasing, a symptom of “fear of man,” holds us captive in fear: fear of rejection and fear of not being deemed enough. In contrast, fear of the Lord allows us to stand in holy awe of His works, which is the perfect disposition for a bride and groom preparing for marriage. 

Consider how transformative a holy awe that the Lord brought you together; that He blesses your relationship; and how wondrous it is He has planned for your future together; could be in this season.

I would renounce the spirit of comparison that time and again stole me joy during this season of preparation. 

We can easily fall prey to comparison during wedding planning; like comparing yours to another’s budget; comparing yours to another couple’s wedding details; comparing who RSVP’d to your wedding vs. theirs; comparing your honeymoon to someone else’s, etc. 

Yet, our marriages and our weddings are not meant to be in competition. Each are designed to be unique expressions of the Trinity.

So, next time you sense the urge to compare or people-please in the midst of a decision for your special day, ask yourself: “What would I choose if no one was looking? What would I choose if my fiance and I were the only attendees on the day that is, at its core, about us and our covenant with God?”

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Marriage: A Sacrament of Healing

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

We most often hear Marriage categorized as a “sacrament of service” or a “sacrament of communion.” 

Yet, as my husband and I have discovered being united by this sacrament, the Lord desires for it to be one of healing too.

I remember the first time I let my husband see the rawness of my heart. We were engaged and our wedding day was drawing near. As we prepared our hearts and souls to be united and made one, we felt the Lord drawing us closer and closer in emotional and spiritual intimacy.

I could feel the internal tug of war; the way the narratives written by my trauma and past mistakes tried to take the lead on writing the new story between us. I could see the lies and inner vows vying for the driver’s seat. At times, our hearts were a battle ground.

I knew there were parts of my story that I needed to bring to the light in order for him to fully make a free choice and for me to believe I was truly being received for all the past mistakes and imperfections I might carry.

By rivers of tears, stories were shared. Hours passed and he only embraced me stronger and loved me harder. He didn’t shy away or shun me. He declared words of dignity and love over my wounds. He spoke clarity into the confusion and truth over my identity that dispersed the shame. I was undone in the most beautifully healing, humbling, and convicting way.

In those moments of revealing my heart, the light of His love was freeing. You see, Satan loves to operate in darkness. He wants you to remain shrouded there, but Love is the Light that breaks through and reveals truth, beauty and dignity. And the Lord uses marriage as a vessel of such light as it is the place of His love.

Our wounds are our places of greatest vulnerability. There, we are most susceptible to believe and take agreement with lies about our identity that are whispered to us by the evil one. In his book Be Healed: A Guide to Encountering the Powerful Love of Jesus in Your Life, Dr. Bob Schuchts writes that these identity lies and beliefs “shape the way we see ourselves and become filters through which we view life in all its many aspects.”

Though, continues Schuchts, “we may believe with our intellects that we are God’s beloved children. . .our hearts believe a different message.” Out of a wound, inner vows can be made as well. 

These are conscious or unconscious decisions that we make to keep ourselves safe in the midst of present suffering, or in recalling past pain. They serve as protective mechanisms to avoid further hurt and affect how we see and relate to God, ourselves, others and the world around us. Often, they become barriers around our heart, impacting our closest relationships.

When you feel a block, an obstacle or find yourself “triggered,” you may have come into contact with the safety net you’ve cast around your heart. Unfortunately, this mode of “safety” also serves as a blockade from true intimacy with our spouse and our God.

Fear not, though-- that which could cause the greatest division can also act as the conduit to the deepest intimacy!

When you feel a catch in your heart, a moment’s mistrust of the other - ask yourself, why?

Could it be that you have been activated by a word, action, or mannerism of your beloved that is causing your mind, body or heart to recall a hurt in your past? Here, the Lord draws attention and invites us into healing. Here is where He draws us close to true safety.

These are times to pause, reflect and pray. Take some time to take inventory of what takes place within your heart during these moments. Invite your spouse into the conversation. Then, together, take it to prayer.

Perhaps try these steps to explore how the Lord wants to use the situation to usher in healing for you and greater unity for your marriage:


Step 1

In times of confusion, miscommunication, hurt, division: examine the narratives running through your head: What do you see in your mind’s eye? Are there memories surfacing? Are you reliving a past event?

What are you hearing? Are there any lies or inner vows about yourself, your partner, God, the world? Does it go against the truth of your identity as a Daughter of the King of Kings? Does it go against the nature of God? What are you feeling? Is there a spirit of fear or anxiety?

Remember, the voice of God breathes peace. His word is not condemning, nor does it cause fear, restlessness, unease or anxiety.

Step 2

Write down any lies/inner vows/fears/doubts in a list on the left side of a sheet of paper.

Step 3

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the truth, the antidotes to the lies/inner vows/fears/doubts, etc. List them on the right side of paper, opposite to its respective lie, vow, etc.

Step 4

Take these to prayer with your spouse. The spousal office holds power and the intercession for your beloved has a profound role in our healing. 

Intercessory prayer allows spouses to live out their call to support their beloved’s intimacy with the Divine, helping the other grow closer to the Lord and walking him/her to Heaven.

Pray: Renounce each individual lie/fear/inner vow: In the Name of Jesus, I renounce_________. Lord, please break the power of it over me right now. In its place, please fill me with [insert the antidote truth you listed to the right of this lie or fear or inner vow].

Repeat with each lie/fear/inner vow/doubt, etc.

Step 5

Close by entrusting your prayer for healing and freedom to Our Lady Undoer of Knots with a “Hail Mary.”

You can come back to your litany of truths on this sheet over and over again when you need to be armed against the lies. And if you find yourself afflicted by the same lies and inner vows continually, you may consider counseling to help you address the root of the wound behind them.

The Lord uses our vocation of marriage to sanctify us, to make us holy, to make us WHOLE as is God’s design for us. It forms us for the complete wholeness and fulfillment of Heaven. Sacraments bestow grace upon us that we need to make the journey to Heaven. 

Through marriage, God readies His bride (you) through the bridegroom He has given you (your husband), who is a channel of His love for you here on Earth as you are prepared for your Heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus Christ.

Let’s be saints, perfected through our imperfections and healed by Love.

More helpful resources for exploring healing that will manifoldly bless your life and relationships:

Be Healed by Dr. Bob Schuchts

Created for Connection by Sue Johnson

Unbound by Neal Lozano

“Restore the Glory” Podcast with Dr. Bob Schuchts & Jake Khym, MA

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Wonder and Delight: Five Stories of C.S Lewis to Read during Engagement

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EMILY DE ST AUBIN

 

“We must not be ashamed of the mythical radiance resting on our theology. . . . We must not, in false spirituality, withhold our imaginative welcome. If God chooses to be mythopoeic . . . shall we refuse to be mythopathic? For this is the marriage of heaven and earth: Perfect Myth and Perfect Fact: claiming not only our love and our obedience, but also our wonder and delight . . .” -C.S. Lewis, Myth Became Fact

While we were dating and engaged, my husband and I spent about a year in separate states while he finished his master’s degree in Ohio and I worked in Colorado. 

As anyone who has dated long-distance knows, it can be hard to think of things to talk about during those long phone conversations and skype-sessions. We wanted to talk on the phone for hours but as the weeks apart dragged into months, and without shared experiences to discuss, we struggled to engage with each other. 

Once we were engaged and living in the same state, wedding planning, apartment hunting, and job searching took over our shared experience to such a degree that we were dying for anything to take our mind off it.

The best idea came to us totally by accident- Eddie (my now husband) couldn’t believe that I had never read The Chronicles of Narnia. C.S. Lewis was already my favorite author, but since I had been unimpressed by the movies they made based on his famous children’s series, I never felt compelled to read them. So we decided to read them aloud to each other over the phone.

We started with The Magician’s Nephew and read all the way through The Final Battle. Beyond the joy of just listening to each other’s voices for a while at the end of each day, it gave us something to discuss and draw meaning from––an experience we both longed for while long distance. While we were drowning in the details of wedding planning and preparing for our life together, it gave us a meaningful and lighthearted escape that drew us together.

Below you’ll find a list of five books from (or about) C.S Lewis to read with your fiancé during your engagement. I hope they help pass the time together, take your minds off the practical details, and reawaken your sense of pure, impractical wonder.

The Chronicles of Narnia

Arguably C.S Lewis’ most well-known work, The Chronicles of Narnia consists of seven stories from the marvelous fantasy world of Narnia.

These easy-to-read books are stuffed with enough metaphor, simile, and allegory to fuel a year’s worth of late-night conversations.

The Space Trilogy

This lesser-known science fiction series by C.S. Lewis is much stranger and geared more for adults than Narnia. In it, Lewis answers the questions surrounding salvation history here on Earth and life on other planets. Essentially, with this series he states, “If Jesus is the saviour, he must be the saviour of the entire universe.”

Till We Have Faces

Till We Have Faces, Lewis’ final and most masterfully written novel, is one of my all-time favorite books. In it, Lewis gives us a dark and deeply romantic retelling of the myth of Cupid and Psyche through the lens of Psyche’s embittered sister Orual.

While not as easy to read as some of Lewis’ other works, this book will invite conversation and contemplation between you and your fiancé.

The Great Divorce

This is a truly fun story about heaven and hell and the roads we all walk between the two every day. Reading it, I came to realize just how well Lewis understood the sinner’s heart.

The Great Divorce tells of an extraordinary bus ride to heaven and the journeys the passengers must take. This thought-provoking novel provides the reader plenty of ideas to discuss and learn from. My husband and I still reference this book and its characters at least once a month. 

A Severe Mercy

I’m not exaggerating when I say that the lessons in this book saved my life. In A Severe Mercy, author Sheldon Vanauken writes about finding God in the midst of his pagan love story. 

While not written by C.S. Lewis, the author plays an important role in the conversion of Vanauken and therefore, a pivotal role in what unfolds in this memoir. This moving story will make you cry like a little baby, but you’ll be glad you read it.

What books would you add to the list? Share your book recommendations on our Instagram page.

About the Author: Emily is a '15 graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville with a bachelor's of science in marketing. Since college, her experience in ministry has included teaching the Catholic faith through wilderness experiences in the Colorado Rocky Mountains with Camp Wojtyla, Core Team with her local LifeTeen, and participating in Young Adult groups throughout her many moves. Emily has been married to her husband Eddie for five years and they have three children together.

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Setting the Date for a Catholic Wedding

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ANGELA MIKRUT

 

You just got engaged and are eagerly waiting to set the date. 

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If you are struggling or hesitant to finally set the date, consider these tips to help guide your discernment.

Not all dates are equal.

When choosing a date, it’s important to consider what time of year you want to get married during and why. This allows you and your future spouse to consider dates that make sense without it feeling too random and is important especially if you are planning to invite more than just your immediate families. 

Don’t go overboard with considering each one of your guests, but it might help to try and think about what most of your guests might be doing during that time of year.

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your fiancé and what works best for you two in your current state of life, so if your date doesn’t work for everyone, that’s okay! Choose a date, not only because you like the date or because it’s a month sooner but because it makes sense for you as a couple and ultimately gives you a lasting sense of peace.

You don’t have to get married on a Saturday.

With the exception of Good Friday and Holy Saturday, the Catholic Church allows couples to get married any day of the week, including Sundays. Just remember to consider the availability of your guests and reach out to your parish to make sure whatever day you are thinking of will work for them. 

For more Catholic wedding planning help, check out the Spoken Bride archives. 


Keep the Liturgical season in mind. 

Consider the Liturgical season in which you’d like to get married as they carry significance for Catholics. 

For instance, the Advent and Lenten seasons are times for reflection and anticipation of the feast that’s to come, so although couples are allowed to get married during this time, it is something to be aware of. 

If you do plan to have your wedding during one of the penitential seasons, despite the more subdued tone, your wedding can still be a joyful celebration similar to how we still observe major feast days during Lent.         

You might also consider getting married during the festive seasons of Christmas or Easter.

You can have a Sunday wedding.

Sunday weddings can be a wonderful option for those couples who still want to get married on the weekend but are trying to save a little money. 

Since Saturdays are currently the most popular day for weddings, you may notice that some vendors have a discounted price for their services on other days of the week, sometimes including Friday and Sunday. This isn’t a hard and fast rule though so be sure to do some research for the venues and other vendors you are considering. 

Another note about having a Nuptial Mass for a Sunday wedding (and on some of the other major feasts in the Church) is that the couple may not be able to choose the readings for the Liturgy of the Word since it doubles as a Sunday Mass or a solemnity. 

Again, check with the Church where you plan to get married because there may be some other restrictions due the priest’s schedule or a conflict with another Church service or event.

Choosing a date can feel overwhelming, and it can be exhausting responding to all those family and friends who ask if you have a date yet. But it’s okay to take your time in deciding. It’s better to have a date that you’ve really thought about and feel at peace with than to rush the process.

So long as you keep your focus on what’s important, asking the Lord for guidance, you can put your trust in the Lord that everything will work out in His timing.

About the Author: Angela loves creative work, especially photography, and has a special place in her heart for JPII. She's engaged and getting married in late December.

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Living Courageously in Your Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

"'Have courage' we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart." A courageous act is an act coming from the heart." - Henri Nouwen

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PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

Those few sentences, nestled quietly within a reflection I recently found, felt monumental to read. They have entirely upended what I thought I knew about being courageous. They made it obvious to me with such clarity and swiftness that courage has a lot more to do with authenticity and perhaps much less to do with interior resolve than I had previously taken it to. This new consideration of the nature of courage has been both freeing and challenging, especially in what it means for marriage.

Marriage demands a lot of courage.

I would have told you that long before Henri Nouwen's words unveiled what that meant in such a radically new way for me. Before, I mostly understood courage to look a lot like strength. An image of myself ready to brace up against whatever was to come against me, with the resolve to hold my shield at attention for as long as it took to weather it. That was courage.

But here, Henri seemed to be describing exactly the opposite. An image of myself in a posture of much greater risk. Hands open, vulnerable, heart exposed and leading the way. Nothing to hide and no focus on self-protection. That's a much different way of imagining what this spiritual and moral virtue looks like lived out. But I think it's a more honest one. 

Marriage does demand courage, but it's because any good marriage demands really living from the heart.

It is important to be understand our 'heart' in this context as more than just the place of our emotions. Henri speaks of it as the center of who we are at the core of our being. "The center of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions."

For a marriage to be rich in this virtue, what really matters is honesty. There is no place for a lack of authenticity in what is meant to be the most intimate of our relationships. 

If I dare to hope for my marriage to be truly courageous in the way that Henri describes, I need to be willing to bring my whole self to my spouse. I must dare to be fully seen for who I am. 

Practically, I must bring honesty and openness to our conversations. I must work to share my thoughts, feelings, and passions, and work to make decisions together in light of them all. I can't try to self-protect and shield myself to avoid the risk of being misunderstood or feeling rejected by my spouse.

That false image of strength can never serve me here. And it couldn't be further from the kind of humility and trust required in these moments. 

It can be easy to communicate well when our thoughts, feelings, and passions feel aligned with our spouses'. But courage asks for such honesty at all times, even when it's most difficult.

And doing just that is how we gain the very virtue we are longing for. In the language of faith, different kinds of virtues are described and understood in different ways. Moral Virtues, of which courage (sometimes called fortitude) is one, differ from Theological Virtues chiefly in the manner through which they can grow within us. The Moral Virtues are “acquired by education, by deliberate acts and by a perseverance ever-renewed in repeated efforts" and of course, aided by God's grace.”

This means that it is in those sacred and vulnerable places, during all those repeated efforts we make together to live from the heart, that we will grow and the fruit of this virtue will become clear. We will have a greater ability to "conquer fear, even fear of death, and to face trials and persecutions." Our acts of authentic courage within marriage can gift us greater confidence in the face of all things. This is certainly what God wants for us.

I used to think that courage looked a lot like being willing to fight - to defend and protect and shield. And I suppose there is some truth in that. But in marriage that work becomes shared, and so it changes shape entirely. The only way to defend and protect the relationship is through honesty and vulnerability with each other.

And so the challenge becomes - will I act from the heart? Will I dare to live my marriage courageously?

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Moving Towards Oneness

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

The journey of engagement is truly the final stretch of preparation for being made one with another. 

When so much of our early life is spent individuating and gaining autonomy by virtue of normal human development, there is a beautiful, generous, sacrificial shift that occurs as a matured adult chooses to unite herself with another. How do we understand the magnitude of this? 

I know that in my own season of engagement, I spent a great deal of time pondering this mystery: this impending transition to a state of “oneness” with another sacramentally and practically.

I recall wondering about how such a “one-fleshness” comes about in marriage. It is something so distinctly supernatural,yet, there is such a true convergence of two lives that occurs in an earthly manner as well. 

You merge households and bank accounts; you share a bed, debts, children, and responsibilities. You also unite your pathway to the Heavenly Banquet too at the feast of your own wedding. At the same time, I couldn’t ignore, the quite obvious facets of our separate natures that made this concept hard to gather: he was male and I was very much not; he was Canadian, whereas I was American; he was phlegmatic, while I took choleric to a new level; and the list could go on. In the physical sense, we were quite separate beings.

The visceral aspect of “being one” in the marital act was self-evident to me. Still, full comprehension of the spiritual significance was elusive. That is, until I read the words of St. John the Baptist in a marital lens:

He must increase; I must decrease. 

These words both stuck and challenged me. They illuminated a beautiful truth, not only about the reality of “being made one” in marriage, but a reality that parallels the communion we are called to with the Lord.

In this passage, St. John refers to Christ when he says, “He.” Since Christ is Love Himself, we could replace “He” with “love” here; Love must increase; I must decrease. 

There is a certain truth to letting love consume us so much that our ego, our “I,” diminishes to make way for the work of the Lord. In St. John’s case, he chose to humble himself to the great plan of rescue and restoration that Christ had come to fulfill. Jesus wants to do that in our marriages today. He wants to increase as we decrease. 

Marriage invites us to humble ourselves so that the spirit of division, of separateness, can melt away. Herein lies the greater plan for the union of spouses: that the oneness of a couple, fortified by the grace of the Sacrament, may be made one with God in all things. Not only are they unified with each other, they fulfill the design for marriage bringing about their union with God.

As I’ve continued to journey more and more deeply into this understanding in my own marriage, I have found prayer to be essential. It helps us conform to the godly design for our union in the living marital sacrament.

To encourage us on this path, I want to leave you with three prayers that are transforming my heart (in real time) in the hopes that they might bless you as they have me:

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Healing + Wholeness: The Fruits of Couseling in Your Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Six years ago, I was engaged, freshly graduated from college, and had moved back to my hometown - living a state away from my husband-to-be. 

We walked through marriage prep and wedding planning long distance, visiting each other on the weekends and navigating our first jobs all the while. I had begun grad school classes in the evening. Some significant and difficult experiences were happening within my family at the time. 

I felt that in many ways I was living poised for a future that wasn't quite here yet, in a whirlwind of life happening with each step forward towards my wedding day. For all its glory and all its challenges, I can look back on that time now with gratitude and tenderness and see the gift that it was and the growth that happened in its course.

A significant part of that growth came because during that year, I went to counseling for the first time. I can't remember what exactly it was that finally prompted me to Google search Christian counselors near me one night. 

I do remember, in fact, feeling unsure that I had enough that I needed to "work through" to make counseling worth it - I mean, would it be fruitful? Would it be a waste of time and money? Would the counselor laugh in my face because I didn't even really know I was there? I wasn't sure. 

Were you to have asked me at that moment, I would hardly have been able to tell you if I thought I needed any real healing. But I did know there was a lot happening, and that it might be nice to talk it through with someone. So I called, and a few weeks later went for my first counseling session.

It was, in fact, worth every penny and sacrifice of time. 

Far from laughing in my face, the counselor whose client I became was patient and tenderhearted, listening attentively and inviting me to press more deeply into the circumstances of life so I could consider how they were impacting my understanding of myself and others, even God, and how that in turn affected my thoughts and actions in relationships. 

It was a pivotal time for me to begin this exploration, because so much of our experiences in relationships have to do with how we perceive things and where our motivation lies. Uncovering, with the help of this beautiful counselor, some of the wounded areas of my heart helped me to gain perspective so as to not be ruled by them. It gave me real things to bring to Christ in my life of prayer and ask for his healing presence to transform.

She helped me untangle intrusive thoughts that did not serve to prepare me for marriage, or live in a healthy way during that time. She listened with no agenda to help me with wedding planning, give me her take on married life, or critique my decisions. She mostly listened. She offered strategies to help me with anxiety and gave me a clearer language with which to express what was happening for me emotionally. Many a conversation during a weekend visit with my fiancée was spent sharing what I had talked about in counseling. It truly blessed us both.

I share all this to say that if you have found yourself considering counseling even in the slightest way, I truly believe it will never be a waste. I can see clearly from the vantage point of where I stand in marriage now, how my experience in counseling during engagement blessed me not only in the moment but for the years to come. 

Any time you spend on the kind of healing work that often happens in the context of counseling will serve you well, and in turn will serve your beloved – who shares life with you in a most intimate way.


Some of Good Fruit of Counseling that has been invaluable in my Marriage: 

• Time and space to examine my hopes, fears, expectations

• A third/objective party to whom I could bring my experiences to gain perspective, who has no agenda besides supporting me and helping me find healthy ways to live

• Practice in self-expression and unpacking emotions – learning how to share what’s happening internally in an understandable way

• Practice challenging assumptions made about others and becoming curious in the face of my reactions

• Practical tips, solutions, and practices to bring into my lived experience • A richer vocabulary to use when sharing my experiences

• The ability to be much more patient and gentle with myself and others

Read more: Pre-marital Counseling: The Wedding Gift that Keeps on Giving.

Counseling has blessed me in innumerable ways. But those are a few that felt worth sharing because of how meaningfully they’ve integrated into my vocation and helped me in my relationship with my husband. Part of the beauty of counseling is that it is fully ordered towards healing and wholeness, just like our vocation. Marriage, at its best, helps us to heal and find restoration so that we can ultimately be prepared for the eternal relationship of heaven.

I was recently rereading the book Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jaques Philippe and was struck by some of his words, which I feel capture what I mean to say about the experience of counseling with real clarity and understanding.

"We often live with this illusion. With the impression that all would go better, we would like the things around us to change, that the circumstances would change. But this is often an error. It is not the exterior circumstances that must change; it is above all our hearts that must change. They must be purified of their withdrawal into themselves, of their sadness, of their lack of hope".

Counseling can be a great tool to bring about renewal in our hearts by way of healing in our mind. It can be such a force for good in our lives and our vocations, offering hope and peace.

If you’re looking for a counselor who shares your Catholic faith, consider searching in your area on www.catholictherapists.com/ or check out the Marriage and Family Therapists on Spoken Bride’s Vendor Guide.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Meaningful and Budget-Friendly Wedding Gifts for Catholic Couples

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

During my college and newlywed years, I always scanned friends' wedding registries for that perfect gift that seemed both personal and also wouldn't cost me a small fortune. 

Even now I'm in no position to buy someone their longed-for Le Creuset dishware set and I wince when I find everything within my budget has been already purchased.

But I've found both as a recipient and giver of many wedding gifts that some of the best gifts are not listed on the registry at all but come from deeply personal and out-of-the-box thinking:

Handwritten advice

One good friend asked older married couples she knew to write us letters with marriage advice. We read the stack of them on our honeymoon which made for an encouraging and practical start to our marriage.

Book Bouquet

Another friend gifted me Alessandro Manzoni's The Betrothed as part of a bachelorette party gift which has since inspired me with one of my favorite ideas for an off-beat and affordable gift: a book bouquet--that is, a stack of books tied up with ribbon.  

There are several used book websites where lots of great books fall in the under $5 range, and the possibilities are delightfully endless. 

You could do spiritual books like Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married and John Paul II's Love and Responsibility, great literature like Pride and Prejudice and Anna Karenina, collections of love poems, or lighthearted mysteries featuring couples like Agatha Christie's married sleuths, Tommy and Tuppence, or Dorothy Sayers' inimitable duo, Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane. You could also find a beautiful coffee table book related to the bride or groom's interests and pair it with some thrifted favorites.

Check out some other recommended reading for Catholic brides and newly married couples here.

Honey Mead

A wedding gift I often give is a bottle of honey mead. The origin of the term 'honeymoon' comes from the custom of couples drinking honey mead during the first month of their marriage for good luck. But there's a spiritual significance here too as St. Valentine, patron of happy marriages, is also a patron of beekeepers.

A Unique Twist on a Spiritual Bouquet

Lastly, the most appreciated gift we received for our wedding were prayers. A couple of our guests wrote out incredibly thoughtful and detailed spiritual bouquets for us, and I've loved thinking of how many graces were sent with us into our marriage thanks to their prayers. 

A fun idea is to pair a spiritual bouquet with some seed packets. Many flowers or herbs are attached with spiritual legends and meanings, and at the same time, you can help a couple get started on a Mary garden or a windowsill herb garden.

Whatever your situation in life, these suggestions work as stand-alone gifts or pair well with something traditionally off the registry, but in my case, it's been these kinds of thoughtful and creative gifts that have held the dearest place in my heart.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Don't Take Your Spouse for Granted | Practical Tips for a Healthy Marriage

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

A couple years ago I was talking with a woman who had a beautiful marriage and had raised a large brood of wonderful children. And I was like, "Okay, tell me the secret formula. Tell me the tips. Tell me the list of marriage and parenting books for success."

And she just laughed and said the fact I desired to have a good marriage and raise good children was a sign I was going in the right direction. I think my interior response was something like, "No really, I know you've got a ten-step program to holy married life tucked up your sleeve. Spill the beans, lady."

But she did say something that both surprised and helped me: never consider yourselves past the possibility of divorce. In other words, never take your marriage for granted. When stated in the latter terms, it sounds like clichéd marriage advice. When stated in the former terms, it's startling and perhaps affronts our Catholic sensibilities. After all, for devout couples who entered their marriages seriously, fully assenting to its character as an inviolable sacrament, the possibility of divorce seems absurdly far-fetched.

But around this same time, I heard another friend, who had been married a few years longer than us, say that she knew couples, faithful Catholic couples whose weddings she had been a bridesmaid in, who were now getting divorced. And that also startled me.

This is not to say that divorce is never the answer. The church, in her wisdom, allows it in such cases as abuse out of respect for the dignity of the victim. But in otherwise healthy marriages, it can be easy, I think, to consider your marriage too holy to be impervious to the wear and tear of sin and then to find you've slipped into a vipers' nest of presumption and resentment.

So how can we, practically speaking, not take our marriages for granted?

Pray together. 

Not as a vague resolution but as a scheduled thing. The morning office or even just a morning offering. A daily or weekly examen. Spending ten or fifteen minutes reading Scripture or another spiritual work together and discussing. Any one of these can be a fruitful way of knowing what's on your spouse's heart.

Pray for each other. 

When I remember, I like to say the noon Angelus for my husband because it's right at the height of the workday and I especially like novenas because they can be like tiny pilgrimages you undertake for someone. There are also many days when I say very short prayers and make small sacrifices for my husband's sake. As a result, I feel more closely united to him and am far more likely to have a tender-hearted response over the irksome things that are simply part of doing life with another person.

Read more: Creative Ways to Pray for your Spouse

Be attentive to their needs

Ask your spouse, "How can I help you today?" When my husband asks me this, I often find it's the question itself and not even the act of service that lightens my emotional load, because it shows the interest he takes in me and my daily life.

Avoid shaming. 

Shame is such an immobilizing force. When do we ever elicit kindness from someone when we heap blame on their head? When do we ever feel light enough to pick ourselves up and do good when we're mired in the heaviness of shame. A sense of humor and a sense of reality--we're all human, we all fail--fosters the peace and openness needed in marriage.

Seek counsel.

Go to marriage counseling or to spiritual direction. I know of a couple, whose marriage is ostensibly not in crisis mode, yet who go to regular counseling as "marriage insurance." Brilliant.

In my pre-married life, I imagined marriage as a kind of promised land of easy peace and fulfillment. But marriage is an invitation to a continual process of conversion which, while hard, is also infinitely more beautiful than a life free of demands. If we cooperate with God, we will be changed and stripped of our idols, thus becoming Christ-bearers to those within and beyond the walls of our homes.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Reconnecting the Spiritual & Physical Realities of Sexual Intimacy

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BRIDGET BUSACKER

 

You might already be familiar with the idea that the Catholic Church, in her wisdom and goodness, doesn’t see sex as a necessary evil or something to be scoffed at, but rather to be celebrated and enjoyed by married couples. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX KRALL PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX KRALL PHOTOGRAPHY

This might sound absurd or even shocking to you, as it did for me when I first learned about it. I discovered this reality through the readings of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and Theology of the Body and thanks to the excellent witness of incredible Catholic couples and speakers.

“Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.”

Not only does the Catechism of the Catholic Church talk about the commitment expressed through sexual intimacy, but that sex is created by God in His goodness as a source of joy and pleasure.

We don’t realize just how beautiful sex is in marriage because of how we have responded as a society to erotisicm and purity culture. We tend to take extremes, by responding in ways that don’t allow us to live out the fullness and goodness of sexual intimacy within marriage by a man and a woman.

The reality of renewing our wedding vows as married couples through sex is such a gift! And, it shifts the way in which we are challenged to think about sex with our spouse, family planning, and how our love is ordered. Do we respect the person in front of us? Are we choosing to love them or to lust after them? Do we see this person as subject or object?

John Paul II in his September 8, 1982 General Audience he said: “Marriage is the “most ancient revelation (manifestation) of the plan [of God] in the created world, with the definitive revelation and manifestation – the revelation that “Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her,” conferring on his redemptive love a spousal character and meaning.” 

God in His goodness shares His love for us and the beautiful love story of creation through the married couple’s sexual intimacy.

It’s time for us to start reconnecting our understanding of sex to the theological realities of our Catholic faith - understanding that reestablishing this understanding doesn’t mean that sex is purely theological. Rather, it is a dance of both the physical and spiritual realities together, constantly calling us into deeper love and understanding of the nuptial banquet.

About the Author: Bridget Busacker is founder of Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop shop of Natural Family Planning (NFP) resources for women and couples. She is on a mission to fuse the science of Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) and Theology of the Body (TOB) into the everyday practice of NFP. Bridget is passionate about women’s health and sex education that promotes the dignity of the human person by integrating a holistic approach to self-knowledge of the body.

Managing Your Fertility: WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER | FACEBOOK

Trusting God with your Family Planning When Physical Intimacy is a Challenge

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MARISOL B.

 

Going through marriage preparation, we were required to attend an NFP class. Both of us already had great awareness around the formative and scientific aspects of Natural Family Planning, as well as the bioethics involved. We made a plan for how we envisioned our first year of marriage, and we initially agreed that while open to life, we would wait about a year before planning to grow our future family from a duo to a trio.

However, one day, my fiancé shared that during one of his weekly Encounters (a meeting where a group of men share a Gospel reflection and review life cases in light of our current culture, virtues and vices and Gospel passages – followed by spiritual and apostolic action), he felt called to pray for a honeymoon baby.

After this conversation, we decided to plan our family around that little prayer and continued to prepare for the Sacrament.

Fast-forward to our trip together after the wedding day and we discovered a major plot twist. As we found ourselves unable to physically consummate our marriage during our time away, we went back to our new home a little bit deflated and in search for answers.

After multiple OBGYN visits and a couple of failed procedures, I was finally given a diagnosis and I began a journey into recovery. 

I struggle with involuntary floor muscle spasms and I have found throughout the years that there is increased awareness around the topic and about the many women who suffer from inability to achieve penetration or experience painful intercourse.

It may feel like a lonely road at first; however, there are more widely available resources and tools to help with multiple pelvic floor conditions (either primary or secondary cases); including Physical Therapy, dilation practice, etc.

Related: Turning to the Eucharist When Physical Intimacy is Complicated

While NFP has not been utilized by us to avoid pregnancy during the thirteen years of our marriage (because of our inability to have intercourse in the first place), I have found the practice to be very helpful and a wealth of knowledge about my own body and the ways in which I can achieve healthy periods, ovulation and sustained energy throughout the years.

I have been able to notice changes in my body which I can easily modify with diet and lifestyle practices which support healthy female function. And we await the moment in which I make good enough progress in my journey to achieve consummation and hopefully pregnancy.

Read more: Benefits of Charting Beyond the Bedroom

Last year, during the pandemic, we unexpectedly received an invitation to host the image of Our Lady Undoer of Knots and each of the people that had prayed in front of this beautiful image before us, had added a prayer intention written on a piece of white ribbon.

After the novena was finished, we thought about what we would write as a prayer petition on our little white strand and the request was made for a ‘honeymoon baby’ which only God knows how, when and whether to grant. 

It is never too late to fulfill a resolution made back in 2007. After all, during the wedding at Cana the Choice Wine, produced by the miraculous hand of Jesus was served towards the later part of the celebration.

We faithfully await the moment when two may become one, and by God’s grace, a family of three or more.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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Experiencing the Paschal Mystery in Marriage | A Holy Week Roundup

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After forty days of Lent, we now find ourselves in the midst of Holy Week, readying ourselves for the solemn remembrance of the Passion and Death of Christ before His triumphant Resurrection. 

As we approach the Easter Vigil, the greatest liturgical celebration in the Church, we at Spoken Bride want to help you cling tightly to the cross in your marriage and fully embrace the joy of the Resurrected Christ. 

Here are our favorite pieces from the archives on liturgical living as a couple, Holy Week reflections, and tips for living in the joy of the Resurrection.

What Can You & Your Beloved Do to Support Each Other's Dreams?

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

“But where will you find the time?” he asked. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, again, my brain already whirring through potential comebacks.

As often as I’ve wished my husband and I had a brag-worthy, Insta-perfect habit of wholeheartedly supporting one another’s dreams, the truth is that I’m an idealist and he’s a realist (and of course, the truth is that I know our life could never be completely reflected in a single caption or image on social media). We dream very differently.

Have you and your beloved discussed your dreaming styles before? Early on in our relationship, I’d literally tell my husband one of my wildest dreams (usually, for me, related to hobbies, travel, or home projects), expecting a shared sense of excitement and purpose. Instead, these revelations would frequently be met with a series of questions that brought my imaginings crashing back to earth. I’d ask him about one of his own future goals or ideas, and would hear in his words the sense of hesitation and doubt. 

It’s been revelatory to encounter the ways our individual temperaments and upbringings have shaped our differing attitudes towards goal-setting, risk, and aspiration. These differences used to cause a great deal of hurt and misunderstanding, yet time has helped us recognize each of our habits, desires, and areas for growth when we talk about our dreams.

If you and your beloved, like us, have different balances of idealism and practicality, here are the questions and discussion points that have helped my husband and I grow in understanding and support for one another’s hopes and ideas.

Related: What do you want your home and family life to look like? What mission are you called to as a couple? How can you refresh yourselves after stressful seasons? Dream together with Spoken Bride’s Family Culture Workbook and Relationship Reset Guide.


State the end goal of your conversation.

Vulnerability expert Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind,” meaning conversations go most smoothly when each person communicates their needs, intentions, and expectations without vague language or avoidance. She frequently relates this concept to leadership, yet it’s been transformative in my marriage, as well, fostering an ever-deepening sense of understanding, empathy, and union between usI.

It’s been a particularly fruitful concept in this area of talking about our dreams. We (usually I) used to just dive into a conversation about my ideas, beginning with “Wouldn’t it be so great one day to…,” which frequently led to dampened enthusiasm or discouragement. Now, when sharing a dream, my husband and I both try to clearly state the context and goal of the conversation at the outset--that is, we’ll say whether we’re looking for specific advice and actionable steps related to an idea, or if we’re simply daydreaming and thinking aloud. Clear is kind!

Do you have a specific time frame in mind?

Some dreams, like my husband’s hope of getting his band’s music on college radio, have a sense of urgency and a deadline in mind; within one year, for example. Other dreams, like my longtime desire to take our children to Disney World once they’re old enough, are more of a distant-future idea that don’t make sense to concretely plan for just yet.

Discussing whether our dreams are short-term or long-term, time-sensitive or flexible, gets my husband and I on the same page, and leads to the next question addressed here:

What concrete matters should we address to make this dream a reality?

Personally, I love the thrill of possibility and don’t struggle to dream without the constraints of material or practical concerns. My husband, on the other hand, considers limitations before giving himself permission to really enter into an idea and consider how it might take shape. By identifying the concrete matters involved in a given undertaking, we’ve become better able to embrace the tension of ideal versus reality, and to feel the empowerment of a roadmap and to-do list.

So when one of us is ready to really dive into a dream, we benefit from listing the resources and steps that will help us get there. Consider what amounts of your time, finances, education, and materials you’re willing to invest (individually and as a couple), and write them down or set a date to commit to these investments. 

How will I support you, and how will we pick up any slack in our home and family life?

My husband started a graduate program, after much discernment and steps forward in trust--the year our first child was born. Though the constant work, low pay, and long hours on campus were hardly a dream come true, we both felt the peace and confidence of knowing this path was where the Lord had led us, and that the end goal would be the true fulfillment. It took so many conversations about distinguishing work time and family time and about household responsibilities before we felt in a rhythm with what his program would require of us both. The excitement of what teaching and study opportunities the degree would open up helped motivate the both of us to stay the course.

The summer I set out to write a book manuscript, my husband took over the at-home parenting duties, taking on the bulk of tending to our kids, cooking, and chores that I typically do when he’s at work during the school year. Flexibility with role reversal, and a spirit of service and sacrifice, made it relatively easy to act as true helpmates after identifying the areas of our life where we’d need to step in for each other.

Like any other area of our relationship, the act of supporting one another’s dreams has been learned; a work in progress. In this progress, I can now look back--and ahead, as we continue to dream--and see the ways each of our natures complements the other.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Benefits of Charting Beyond the Bedroom

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

Even after we learned that physical intimacy wouldn’t go as planned, my husband and I decided to continue to chart my cycles together. 

Charting together has been such an affirming experience for our marriage. The very act of charting together has helped us grow in virtue and deepen our  emotional intimacy in ways that I hadn’t anticipated.

Humility

During our engagement/betrothal, my husband and I attended an NFP class together. At the start of the class, I thought I knew everything there was to know about charting. After all, I’d read several textbooks about it and had been charting for some time before becoming engaged. 

Spoiler alert—I had a lot to learn. And I still do, even years later. A woman’s body and her cycles are deeply mysterious. I’m having to let go of my hubris and accept the humbling reality  that I’m not always right.

Impatient for my husband to learn the rules of the sympto-thermal method, I became anxious and spoke harshly to him. I didn’t want him to “mess up” my charts. Allowing him to participate in this sort of intimate medical record-keeping took a lot of trust and humility. It was (and is still) hard for me to let go of control.

The painful but necessary side effect of this is that I’m learning how to argue with my husband more respectfully. Often, I question his judgment on our charts, but I’m learning to bring it up in a more respectful way, open to the idea that perhaps he is right and I am wrong. Growing in humility isn’t my favorite activity, but it is definitely improving the way I communicate about conflict—even very personal conflict.

Trust

It’s difficult for me to allow my loved ones to make a mistake when I know I could have prevented it. My instinct is to jump in and just do it for them. I often think I know better than they do. This is especially true when I encounter someone who solves problems differently than I do.

My husband definitely solves problems differently than I do.

So you can imagine how frustrated I felt when I watched my husband incorrectly mark peak day or fail to identify a temperature rise. My responses were far from gracious.

“Can’t you see there are more fertile days? I’ll just mark peak day.” “You’re not following the formula. I’ll just mark the temperature rise.” “You aren’t working the app right. I’ll just do it.”

Eventually, there was nothing left for my husband to do. He felt left out. “I want to do this together,” he said.

It took a few years (and yes, I mean years) before we developed a rhythm for charting together. In different seasons of our marriage, our rhythm has changed to meet our current needs. But we always make sure that each of us has an important role. 

Currently, my husband records my temperature and I record my symptoms (fluid sign and medical symptoms like headaches). Together, we decide when to mark peak day, temperature rise, and the first day of my new cycle. We also talk with each other about the  patterns we notice with my physical symptoms. The extra communication involved in charting  together has increased our trust of each other and our respect for the  other’s thinking processes.

I’m learning (sometimes through gritted teeth) to trust my husband to contribute to my charts. And sometimes he has insights that I hadn’t noticed about my symptoms. Which brings me to the next benefit of charting I’d like to discuss.

Related: How Men Can Be Supportive in NFP

Caring for each other

My cycles are a hot mess. Not to get into details, but I have a lot of really awful menstrual symptoms, like brain fog and extreme fatigue. (Yes, I’m consulting doctors about this—don’t worry.)

Through trial and error, we’ve noticed that my brain fog seems worse when I forget to eat enough carbohydrates. So my husband, saint that he is, watches my chart carefully. The week of my period, he adds extra pasta to my plate, or bakes me some yummy homemade bread. (Did I mention that my husband is a saint?)

We know I’m liable to experience extreme fatigue at certain times during my cycle, so he’s proactive about helping me get extra rest during those times. He even picks up extra chores around the house so I don’t have as much to do when I get home from work.

If my morning temperature seems off, he lets me know. “Baby, you’re colder than usual for this time of the month.” And he throws extra blankets on me. Also, he’s the first to notice if I have a fever.

Although I don’t chart my husband’s health, I’m trying to reciprocate this intimacy and caring. I try to check in daily with my husband about how he is feeling—how are his stress levels? Does he have a headache or a stomachache? Does he have enough energy? What is his mood like? 

Sometimes I add extra protein or fiber or his favorite sweet treats to our grocery list, depending on his needs. And when I’m able, I try to pick up some extra chores so he can relax after dinner. I’m not as good at this as my husband is, but I’m trying to learn from him.

As we work to improve my health, I try  to encourage him on his health journey too. We’re both working on improving our posture and finding time to stretch and exercise even during a busy work week.

Even if intimacy doesn’t go as planned for you and your beloved, I encourage you to chart your cycles together. Teamwork during medical record-keeping can help you to grow in emotional intimacy as a couple, improve your trust and humility, and even help you to care for each other.

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual speech therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To read about how God has changed her life through speech therapy, check out her blog and/or connect with her on Instagram

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These Projects Not Included in Pre-Cana Helped Me Prepare for Marriage Like Nothing Else.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

If you’ve ever put an IKEA bookshelf together with your beloved from start-to-finish, hosted a dinner party with him, or played multiple rounds of Boggle together, all with zero bickering or arguments, I would like to know about it.

I have always found comfort and motivation in the fact that the Church is forever steadfast in her teachings, offering us something beyond just dogma and instruction. She challenges us, through mercy and grace, to go beyond teaching and enter into practice.

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If a foundational teaching of marriage is that this gift exists so spouses’ “mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man,” then a foundational practice we’re invited into is loving our spouses with this Christ-like love: sanctifying, life-giving, and without end. 

So much easier said than done. 

I remember, during marriage prep with our mentor couple, saying in one conversation that I couldn’t wait to put everything we were learning into practice. “But you already are,” said one of our mentors. Wedding planning, creating a website and registry, browsing honeymoon destinations, and more, she pointed out, were all endeavors that employed our aptitudes (or lack thereof) for clear communication, ready forgiveness, and compromise. 

Now, having been through the planning experience and having seen my husband’s many facets revealed more deeply over time, I once again see the fruits of entering together into the place where teaching and practice meet--and actively seeking occasions to embody a love more like Jesus’s own.

If you find yourself wishing for the same, praying to become the best spouse you can be as your wedding draws near, I’ve found the following projects to be surprisingly telling and sanctifying, showing my husband and I more of who we are and the specific ways we’re called to love one another.

Furniture and decorating

When I met my husband, I’d sometimes plunk down on the grass in the middle of my college campus at night, looking up at the stars and laughing; giddy at having found someone who understood me so well even at the outset and who loved so many of the same things I did. 

Fast forward to two years later, though, and by the standard of what items we were drawn to for our wedding registry and future home, we seemed to have practically nothing in common. 

You and your beloved might not share identical tastes in home decor, either, and it’s okay! Learning one another’s preferences, compromising on looks or price when appropriate, and seeing each other’s habits in action as we assembled and arranged  furniture together has ultimately helped us create a comfortable home we both love and that reflects who we are, together.

Driving and Following Directions

How much time and preparation does each of you build in when leaving for an appointment or event? Does a wrong turn stress you out or not feel like a huge deal? 

It took a few too many short-tempered drives to restaurants and friends’ houses before my husband and I talked clearly about how we each preferred to drive and navigate. Questions like, “Do you want to hold the map (phone) or have me read it?,” “What can I help you do before we leave?”, and “How much of my input do you want if we get lost?” have made our car conversations so much more peaceful.

Games

The online game nights my husband and I have participated in during quarantine have held up a mirror to the ways we treat each other when we’re (literally) on the same team. Partnering with your beloved, whether you prefer sports, board games, or vids, reveals each of your degrees of competitiveness, decision-making habits, creativity in problem-solving, and ways you critique one another. When taken as a pursuit of growth and healthy communication, it’s a great feeling to take pride in each other’s strengths.

Related: Board Games Suggestions for an Enjoyable At-Home Date Night

 Cooking/hosting

Do you love planning events rich with themes, details, and multiple courses, or do you prefer a more spontaneous approach to hosting? What about cleaning and preparing your home for guests? As with games, hospitality offers ways to grow as a united front (even if you aren’t living in the same home yet) and learn your beloved’s approach to plans, organization, and cooking.

It’s at the intersection of teaching and practice that we’re invited to love with the head and the heart. To express our inner knowledge by embodying it in our outer actions, quite literally putting that knowledge into practice. And what is the merging of inner and outer, after all, if not sacramental?

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Why Holy Leisure is Essential for a Healthy and Holy Marriage

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

When was the last time you and your husband did something that made you both feel completely alive?

After a long day at work, or an exhausting afternoon of keeping children alive while also trying to minimize tantrums, it’s hard to want to do anything more stimulating than sitting on the couch in your pjs. 

Husbands and wives find themselves needing to unwind from the day's events, so they often default to watching a television show for date night or scrolling on their phones to “relax” when they have any downtime. 

Who has the time or energy for anything else?

Today’s culture which promotes productivity and lauds those who “hustle” has warped the holy idea of rest. 

Instead of seeing rest as a necessity for a fully human life, it is seen as a time to wind down and shut off; a chance to charge our batteries like machines so we can get right back to work.

However, true leisure goes beyond this.

In his book Leisure: The Basis of Culture, Catholic German philosopher Josef Pieper writes that leisure is like “the stillness in the conversation of lovers, which is fed by their oneness… And as it is written in the Scriptures. God saw, when ‘He rested from all the works that He had made’ that everything was good, very good, just so the leisure of man includes within itself a celebratory, approving, lingering gaze of the inner eye on the reality of creation.” 

True leisure, holy leisure is not a state of inactivity, but of an active, contemplative stillness and wonder. It invites you to behold Truth face to face, to drink in His Beauty. 

This leisure is necessary for the Christian life and a healthy marriage.

Firstly, Leisure reminds us who we are. 

Pieper writes: “Leisure is only possible when we are at one with ourselves. We tend to overwork as a means of self-escape, as a way of trying to justify our existence.”

We often believe (even subconsciously) that we must prove to ourselves and others that our life is meaningful; we feel the need to quantify our contribution to our households, to society. 

This comes from us placing our worth in what we do, rather than the truth of who we are. But rest helps reorient our thinking. 

Ultimately, we rest because God rested. We are made in the image and likeness of a God who took time to delight in His creation. 

We rest to remind ourselves that we aren’t slaves to our work, but daughters and sons of the King.  And it is from this identity that our lives and our relationships, particularly our marriages, must flow. 

Not only does leisure help you better understand your identity, but it also breaks you of the mindset that other people's worth comes from what they do, equipping you to love more fully. 

Leisure helps you to love more fully. 

It may seem counterintuitive to think that doing something enjoyable and lovely would help you love someone better. But, although it fills and pleases you, true leisure is not self-centered or pleasure seeking.

Pieper writes: “Nobody who wants leisure merely for the sake of ‘refreshment’ will experience its authentic fruit, the deep refreshment that comes from a deep sleep.”

When we make time to fill our own cups, we have more to pour out on the other people in our lives. It makes the giving more joyful and ultimately, more fruitful. 

Leisure invites you to look out beyond yourself, and gaze lovingly at the Beloved, the source of Life and Love.

It teaches you to truly behold the other, recognize God dwelling in them, and allows you to wholeheartedly say to them: “It is good that you exist.”

Related: How to Plan and Enjoy a Sabbath as a Couple


Finally, leisure allows for true worship.


Pope Benedict XVI said: “If leisure time lacks an inner focus, an overall sense of direction, then ultimately it becomes wasted time that neither strengthens nor builds us up. Leisure time requires a focus- the encounter with him who is our origin and goal.” 

Leisure isn’t good for us because it makes us feel good, but because it facilitates an encounter with our mysterious, all-loving God. 

Binge-watching television shows, or mindlessly consuming content on the internet, while they do provide the needed rush of dopamine to make us (momentarily) feel good, are not activities that invite us to ponder the depths of God. 

Pieper even goes so far as to describe worship as the highest act of leisure. 

Worship, like other forms of leisure, cannot be utilitarian. It is pure celebration and communion with Goodness and Beauty Himself. 

Leisure, in the ways it attunes your heart to the presence of God, brings you and your spouse deeper into the eternal dance, the unending song of praise to the Creator. 

When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and stars that you set in place— What is man that you are mindful of him, and a son of man that you care for him?...O Lord, our Lord,  how awesome is your name through all the earth.

So, talk to your spouse about the things you “don’t have time for.” 

Maybe it’s stargazing, hiking, or rock-climbing. Maybe it’s knitting or gardening, listening to beautiful music or reading good literature.

How can you make time for the activities that give you life and joy, that fill you with wonder and awe? 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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