Feeling Stuck? How My Husband and I Recommit to Our Priorities.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

There is a lot dead in me that needs to be raised. 

During our long-distance engagement, my husband and I would excitedly anticipate finally being together every day and night, dreaming about all we wanted our married life to be: time spent face-to-face and not side-by-side; a shared sense of wonder with time spent outdoors and exploring our city; a home filled with inspiring literature and music. 

It was exhilarating, until the realization set in that we were spending many evenings next to each other on the couch, laptops open to separate projects we should have left at work; until it felt easier to skip a hike or bike ride and just keep clicking next episode; until our Sunday papers and poetry journals sat ignored in favor of our phones.

Why is it so easy to dream, but so hard to take actual steps toward realizing them? My marriage has been through several seasons like this, where apathy takes over and feels easier than making a change, even when we feel dissatisfied with our habits.

When you so deeply desire to be fully alive, bad habits just make you feel...dead.

Though we aren’t perfect at making an immediate change and turnaround, my husband and I have, fortunately, developed an easy list-making practice that helps us reorient ourselves and turn our focus back to what we truly value. If you’re in a “stuck” season yourself, I invite you to get out a notepad and try out a reset. Here’s how:

List 5 things you deeply love and hope to invest your time in.

Is it a favorite hobby? Hosting and hospitality? Quality time with family? Travel? To make this list, consider what renews you and your beloved, what you dream about doing, and what pursuits make time slow down. Write down what it is you love!

List the 5 things you most frequently invest your time in.

No judgment! Just honesty. Is your time most frequently spent on work? Chores? What types of leisure? Who are you with?

Maybe you can see where this is going.

Compare your two lists: is there any overlap? What areas of how you’re actually living your day-to-day align with how you’re hoping to live your day-to-day? 

It’s eye-opening to consider how well, or not well, your priorities and passions correspond to your daily choices. And for me, it’s motivating.

During the times I clearly see myself pushing aside the things that truly bring me alive, choosing the crumbs instead of the feast, I find myself thinking of the span of my life, and what the legacy of my actions, marriage, and family will be: decades from now, will I truly be able to say I sought what is beautiful, good, and fulfilling, or that I spent my life watching TV? To be clear! It’s certainly not wrong to spend an afternoon relaxing with a show you love. If, however, I consistently choose TV over something I objectively enjoy more, a habit is formed and that starts to become my life.

I should also be clear in saying I recognize that these big dreams, that first list of what you love, might feel like a privilege. Sometimes, circumstances and family situations dictate that we’re more beholden to work or that some pursuits aren’t financially attainable for the season you’re in. I encourage you, though, to dream anyway, trusting and hoping that in whatever moments of leisure you have, the Lord in his goodness will revive you still, inviting you to meet him where you are and use your time with intention.

Father, you who are eternal, thank you for the gift of time. May we use it to seek and find you, living lives of integration and fulfillment. Draw us back to you in all things.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Unconditional Commitment

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MARISOL B.

 

Dear bride, you said yes.

You have decided to build a home; to build a family with a man you deeply love and admire.

You have begun a noble journey; a worthwhile journey. One that may be filled with great joy, and great triumph. And one that may at times appear long and leave you feeling weary.

You and your husband-to-be gave your yes. The sacrament depends on your free decision and it will continue through your constant and wholehearted commitment. You have become a reflection of Christ’s relationship to his Church and that mystery will be filled with abundant grace, growth, opportunity for self-giving. And at times, moments of great setback.

Success in marriage is a decision. A series of constant decisional pivot points as various scenarios arise. It is not a series of perfect circumstances--since the perfect set of situations rarely present themselves and we cannot depend on those to start doing the things we are called to do, to get us to where we want to get in our life and marriage. Our call to sanctity.

Sometimes we will inevitably wonder whether we made the ‘right choice’, yet instead of wondering whether we have made one right decision, we are called to make a series of constant decisions, and bring those decisions to light--in order to fill them with goodness, truth and beauty.

This is all dependent on our attitude. An attitude that doubts, will say I am not sure, and will therefore ask the question: Should I?

An attitude of decision will say, I am in for life. I am fully committed and will instead ask the question: How will I? And once we start asking how, our creativity engages and the possibilities for growth and life-giving choices begin to be made visible.

“There is always a way, if you are committed.” I found these words inside a fortune cookie after eating Chinese takeout during a recent busy day.

I felt depleted at work and it bled over to my marriage. I posted the little piece of paper on my computer screen to remind me to keep moving forward. I had transitioned into a new role, right when the pandemic hit and altogether, it bred a lot of doubt. I began to experience Imposter Syndrome and wasn’t able to contribute at my best.

As the year continued, I decided to move forward, instead of doubting whether I had made the right career choice. I opted for resilience, innovation and focus. I committed wholeheartedly, and by the end of the year, the fruits of these efforts were made fully visible.

This same principle has worked in our marriage and our constant decision to renew our commitment as the years and seasons go by. It is an act of the will and self-discipline, accompanied by great love for one another and the abundance of grace in our life.

In marriage and in life, success is not a matter of circumstance. It is a matter of choice.

Finding new circumstances won’t make you successful, but making new choices can.

Attitude is simply the way we choose to see a set of circumstances, and when we continuously commit--when we continuously strive for life-giving choices, we can experience a richness in our marriage that is beyond words.

God’s grace is abundant in every sacrament, and we must decide to reach for his grace willingly--one day and season at a time.

Because the truth is, very few hardships in marriage are without a solution. Most relationship setbacks can be overcome with a sense of renewed commitment and the ability to pivot and recalibrate. It is a matter of the right balance between prayer and action (ora et labora).

Dear bride, your yes is fully given. Gifts come in mysterious ways! As you journey together, don’t give up on the call of this sacrament. Doubt doesn’t stand a chance.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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A Note from Our Creative Director | Exercising Discernment Through Seasons of Life

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JIZA ZITO

 

“All the things in this world are gifts of God, created for us, to be the means by which we can come to know him better, love him more surely, and serve him more faithfully.” - St. Ignatius of Loyola

Does discernment end after you have “found” your vocation? Perhaps this is not a common question that comes to mind for the days after you say I do.

However, with today’s dating culture and its overemphasis of “finding the one” or the pressure that can be found among some social circles to “figure out” one’s vocation, it could almost seem like once you have made the choice to commit to your future spouse it is the end of discernment. The reality could not be more opposite. 

The exercising of proper discernment is essential in our life as Christians. Discernment helps us be aware of ourselves as we progress in our relationship with God, to better understand the promptings of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and to take action in order to grow in holiness and to serve others and Christ.

St. Paul often mentions the necessity of discernment throughout the New Testament (see 1 Thessalonians 5:21, 1 Corinthians 12, Hebrews 4-5, Romans 12:2). St. John touches on discernment in the Gospel (see 1 John 4), and the topic was important enough for St. Ignatius of Loyola to include Rules of Discernment within his Spiritual Exercises. Discernment gives the Christian life proper, right, and fruitful order.

At the start of my photography business in 2014, my prayer at the time was to serve married couples, initially assuming that this was exclusively meant for my small business.

However, I recognized a need for community and support among Catholic creatives within the wedding industry, and I realized an even greater need to share the beauty, truth and goodness of the sacrament of matrimony to a world starting to severely undervalue the sanctity of marriage.

What started as a seed grew into something much bigger than myself. By the grace of God, Spoken Bride came into fruition. 

Over the years, Spoken Bride has flourished through the sharing of hundreds of beautiful stories and articles from couples, the showcasing of exquisite work by an abundance of talented vendors, and the many connections created with ministries and organizations serving the Body of Christ. My time building Spoken Bride has been sustained and edified by the brilliant and dedicated women who have served as team members and have become friends throughout the years, as well as by the many steadfast prayers offered for us on our behalf.

We have received countless notes of encouragement, sharing with us how Spoken Bride has touched or helped brides, which is always a welcomed gift of affirmation in the midst of the hustle and bustle of our work. Reflecting back on the years and on the work the Holy Spirit has done through us, I feel nothing but humbled, grateful, and at peace. 

Discerning the will of God has now brought this beautiful season of my time with Spoken Bride to a close as he is moving me on to serve on other paths. It is with sweet surrender that I look with excitement, hope and thanksgiving to my own future as well as the future of Spoken Bride.

Entrusted to Our Lady and the patronage of Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin, I have no doubt that the work of Spoken Bride will continue to be a light in the darkness. Please keep myself and the team of Spoken Bride in your prayers as we embark on to new chapters. 

God is always good and faithful, and by prayer, he grants “peace that is beyond all understanding” (Phil 4:7). To re-emphasize St. Ignatius of Loyola, one of the greatest consolations from discernment and our greatest earthly reward is this: Coming to know that “all the things in this world are gifts of God, created for us, to be the means by which we can come to know him better, love him more surely, and serve him more faithfully.” 

Jiza’s Suggested Reading:

Discernment of Spirits in Marriage: Ignatian Wisdom for Husbands and Wives by Fr. Timothy Gallagher

Spiritual Warfare and The Discernment of Spirits by Dan Burke

The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius

Conversation with Christ: The Teaching of Saint Teresa of Avila About Personal Prayer by Peter Thomas Rohrbach

The Surprising Activities That Prepared Me for Marriage

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

Vocation is truly a school of love.

My husband and I spent our engagement taking in a range of books and talks on marriage, determined to prepare for our life together with intention in purpose. To our surprise, though, so many activities seemingly unrelated to marriage prep revealed a new depth of our personalities and habits to one another, in a more tangible way than any book could teach.

As you anticipate your life together, don’t rule out the daily tasks and hobbies that can facilitate communication, problem-solving, and deeper knowledge of your beloved! Here, the activities that helped shape our married life.

Shopping for your future home

Even when you’re compatible at the deepest levels, most couples’ décor tastes aren’t identical--a fact that might not come to light until you’re preparing for your first home together. The day I brought home rose-colored hand towels I’d (impulsively, if I’m being honest) fallen in love with, my husband raised a wry eyebrow. They looked like something I’d have bought for the apartment I’d shared with female roommates before we were married, he said. 

Sometimes humility hurts, but he was right. Picking out items for your home--and more so, assembling them--is an exercise in compromise and honest discussion. But it’s exciting, too, to embrace opportunities to dream together about your future dwelling and the tangible items that will fill it.

Related: Explaining why you’ve chosen not to live together with an appeal to the heart.

Cooking

Are you and your beloved follow-the-recipe-exactly types, or more creative in the kitchen? Do you tend to stick with true-blue favorites or constantly seek out new meals to try? How do you feel about delegating specific tasks to one another?

Since our dating days, my husband and I have loved to cook together. Amid the many sweet memories, though, our time in the kitchen has uncovered the areas of my heart that are reluctant to give up control, encouraging me to grow in trust even through the mundane acts of chopping and measuring. I’ve come to realize--and still find myself constantly reminded--that another person’s manner of doing things differently than me is just that: different, not wrong or bad. 

Games

Competitiveness, risk-taking, reacting to success or disappointment...board games and sports have a way of revealing the subtleties of who we are. My husband and I are opposites in this area; as a majorly non-competitive person (I honestly don’t care much if I lose or win!), I enjoy seeing him pursue excellence and model healthy competition and sportsmanship to our children. During our engagement, when we’d play cards with his siblings nearly every weekend, being on the same team was hardly a more apt metaphor for our relationship--a time to strive together, appreciate one another’s skills, and be gracious and affirming with each other’s moves and strategies.

Related: Spoken Bride editors share the hobbies they (and their husbands) love

Planning your honeymoon

I wish I’d known this before marriage, but anticipating one another’s travel habits is something I’ve only recognized in hindsight. On our honeymoon and subsequent first trips together, my husband and I discovered our differing views on matters like how soon to be through security and settled before a flight, how to balance rest and sightseeing in our destination, how much spending was appropriate, and how much of our trip we wished to share on social media during and after. Discussing expectations ahead of time, we now know, sets us up for a harmonious time.

Related: Meet the couple whose intentional, prayer-filled engagement led to relationship coaching and a unique marriage ministry

 As I reflect back on these unexpected sources of preparation for marriage, I recognize my own littleness. Even years after engagement, I marvel at, struggle with, and grow with all the facets of who my husband is; purified, sanctified, and deeply known in all the details and acts that come together to make a shared life. It’s reassuring, and humbling, to know readiness doesn’t end at the altar: “Woman is given to man so that he can understand himself, and reciprocally man is given to woman for the same end. They are to mutually affirm each other’s humanity, awed by its dual richness.”

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Reflecting on Our Engaged Encounter Weekend, Five Years Later

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GENEVIEVE ALLEN

 

Recently, on a sunny pandemic afternoon, my husband Dalton and I pulled out our old workbooks from our Engaged Encounter weekend and read them in our backyard while our kids played outside. Five years before, we had written in these books, completely unaware of what marriage would actually look like in practice. It was sweet and sobering--and often hilarious--to read our responses to the prompts, as young and inexperienced as we were. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: FENIX PDE

PHOTOGRAPHY: FENIX PDE

To give you some context, our Engaged Encounter weekend took place over three days at a retreat house in Baton Rouge. There were cafeteria lunches, camp beds, and awkward conversations with fellow engaged couples. Three married couples and a priest presided over the activities. Most of the day was structured to be similar to a classroom-style setting, with our instructors telling us personal stories about different topics, such as budgeting, newlywed life, NFP and child-rearing. We would then have “breakout sessions” with our future spouses, in which we would discuss these topics on a personal level.

As you might imagine, the whole weekend was really designed to offer as much as we as a couple were willing to put into it. Dalton and I were earnest, writing extensively in our workbooks and often having conversations that produced tears--usually happy, occasionally frustrated or anxious.

I recommend this pre-cana weekend to anyone who is willing to really commit to using it as a tool to improve communication and trust prior to marriage. After reading through our workbooks again, some seemingly contradictory truths stuck out boldly to me:

You will change.

One thing that stood out to me is how young we seemed in our communication. The idealism oozed out of the pages as we confidently wrote about all of the things we expected marriage to be. There’s also no evidence in our past voices of the deep intimacy that comes with time. My responses were casual and flippant, often glossing over some of the real issues we finally came to discuss only after we were married. 

The kids who filled out those pages were mere outlines of the adults we are today. Who knows how we will change in the next 5, 10, 50 years from now? 

You won’t change.

Despite some of the superficial responses we gave back then, the raw material of our souls is written on those pages. There was a section to fill out about what we perceived to be our biggest flaws, and I was sorry to see, five years later, that mine remain the same.

There was also a section about what gifts we would bring to the marriage. Happily, Dalton and I have both developed a lot of these gifts, far beyond what we might have expected when we first discussed what they were. Dalton’s patience, for example, is seemingly boundless and somehow only increasing as we add more children to our family.

You get to decide.

One of the most fun aspects of the weekend is the time you spend discussing what your future family will look like. How will you celebrate holidays, develop traditions, raise children?

Dalton and I come from wonderful families, but there were a few things we decided we would like to do differently in our own. Like the founding fathers writing out our own Declaration of Independence, the joy and excitement of creating something new leaps off the pages of our workbooks. For example, we decided that we would prioritize family dinner time. We added a clause about occasionally calling an audible for a rare “treat night” where we would order takeout and watch a movie during dinner. We have consistently kept this law and this amendment to this day.

You won’t get to decide.

Our workbooks covered many of the important topics that a couple should discuss before marriage, but there are certain lessons that come only with time and experience. There are some things you won’t get to choose. 

Prior to our marriage, we had never discussed in any meaningful detail some of the most difficult parts of life, including our deepest fears and anxieties. In the five short years we have been married, we have encountered some of these together. When we said our vows at our wedding, the “worse” of “for better or for worse”--sickness, poverty, death--were all theoretical. Although we have no idea what is still to come in our lives and marriage, we still trust in the mercy and love of God--just like the naïve kids we used to be. 

About the Author: Genevieve currently practices as a lactation consultant and blogs with her sister Kat Finney for The Sister Post, a blog offering two perspectives on everything from spiritual discernment to baby gear. Genevieve and her husband Dalton began dating on the feast of St. Joseph. They have two children.

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Concerned About the Material Aspects of Wedding Planning? No Matter Your Budget, Invest in Beauty.

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MARIETTE RINTOUL

 

Cultural and generational differences can yield surprising comments about wedding plans, particularly with regard to the size of your budget: What people spend on weddings these days is ridiculous! We spent far less than today’s couples and we've been happily married for years!

It’s enough to make any bride feel materialistic, indulgent, and wasteful indeed if she spends more than the bare minimum on her special day. But is beauty ever a waste?

It's true that the wedding industry wants us to spend the most money possible. You can easily feel pressured to spend a literal fortune on your wedding. 

However, it isn't fair to hold today's bride to the actual dollar amount of her mother or grandmother.

Older women who spent conservatively on their weddings forty years ago will often say it was a still-lovely day with a white dress, flowers for herself and attendants, a cake and punch reception, and time shared with friends and family.

To make a similarly simple wedding happen on that budget today would be incredibly difficult. Our dollar simply doesn’t stretch as far as it did decades ago

But there’s another concern beneath comments about materialism and spending. Even if it isn't the speaker’s intent, these comments can chip away at the dignity and importance of the sacrament.

Marriage is so great and special a union that Christ performed his first miracle at of one.

Christ didn't say, "They've already had some wine; and after all, it's just one day." Instead, he was generous to the bride and groom at Cana, pouring out abundance at so great and important a celebration as their marriage.

Shouldn't we too find great dignity in this day; two people taking on the serious and beautiful endeavor of this holy sacrament?

I'm not talking about plunging into debt or spending beyond your means. Your wedding budget should be comfortable for you and any contributing family members.

Consider that the day you become one with another and pledge yourself to him before God and man is a day worth making as special as is prudently possible.

We don't find it a waste when a seminarian dons special new vestments on ordination day as he becomes a priest; newly transformed with the power to change bread and wine into Christ’s sacred body and blood.

We don't throw babies into dollar store onesies on their baptism days and consider something nicer a wasteful expense as they become children of God and heirs of heaven.

Therefore, a bride who desires to honor her entrance into marriage shouldn’t be held to a different standard.

Our society tends to favor the functional or profitable, seeing most anything else as superfluous. But a beautiful wedding celebration (no matter what your budget) has value and purpose of its own.

Flowers presented to Our Lady and Saint Joseph with petitions to be a holy spouse, a choir singing gorgeous music which can only lift the mind and heart to God, fine garments worn by the bride and groom, special food and drink shared by our dearest families and friends...these elements can’t be invested in a bank or made useful to the world. Yet we can gain so much from what is good for the souls.

Related: What it Means to Desire a Visually Beautiful Wedding Day

No amount of money--large or small--can make a happy marriage. Happiness, instead, comes from holy spouses showing up every day, giving everything they have and loving one another completely with all of the sacrifices the sacrament asks of them. 

However, in recognizing the great graces that come from this sacrament, how pleasing it is to God for two to seriously enter into it, and how beautiful the sanctifying aspects of marriage are. It only makes sense that making the day you pledge yourself to your beloved as beautiful as is prudently possible is a fitting way to honor the gift of marriage.

About the Author: Mariette Rintoul is a wife and mother, married to her best friend, Ethan. She passionately pursues health and holiness in her domestic church—a small 2 bedroom home in Eastern Nebraska. When she's not reading books to little people or cooking from scratch, she can be found blogging about the Catholic Faith, marriage, parenting, non-toxic living, and more at The Natural Catholic Mom...and probably starting another load of laundry.

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You and Your Spouse Are Works in Progress.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

Raise your hand if you thought marriage would change you into the most perfect version of yourself.

...Tell me I’m not the only one with my hand in the air?

Photography: Juliana Tomlinson Photography, seen in Coleen + Matt | Airy Elegance Wedding

Photography: Juliana Tomlinson Photography, seen in Coleen + Matt | Airy Elegance Wedding

Throughout my engagement, I prayed daily for the Lord to form me into the wife he wanted me to be. I asked for the graces of healthy communication, a forgiving heart, and the strength to overcome my bad habits. And yet.

As we settled into our first apartment after our honeymoon, I nitpicked as we cooked dinner, showing my husband the way I liked to chop garlic. I continued my longtime habit of forgetting to turn on the bathroom fan during a shower. I let our time between laundry days stretch to college-student lengths. 

I knew the sacrament of marriage was transformative in the grand scale of my life. What I’d also expected, while hardly realizing it, was that I also thought it would transform me in smaller, more mundane ways. But as I grappled with my same old controlling, bathroom-fogging, laundry-ignoring tendencies, this time with an audience of my husband, I saw that I was still me. Still the woman I was, in all my strengths and especially in my failures, before my wedding day. I now see that’s how it was supposed to be.

It’s true that in matrimony we become really and permanently one with our spouses. An echo of the heavenly wedding feast. In this life, though, as heaven and earth reach toward each other, some transformation requires our own agency. A decision to cooperate with God’s grace. I thought entering a new state of life would change the parts of myself I was unhappy with. But in reality, it was a new opportunity to make those changes, and it was up to me. 

In my realization that getting married didn’t automatically eradicate my biggest weaknesses, I started trying to see my disillusionment—literally, the lifting of a veil—not as an end point, but an invitation.

In my marriage, I’m not called to stay the same forever, but to change. It’s my choice whether to take action, pursuing change for the better, or to let my struggles remain static. To keep them in the dark and blunder on in refusal. Through the love of a forgiving husband who calls me on in my failings and invites me to do the same for him, the Lord purifies and reshapes us both. He asks if we will let him show us the path to true growth and fulfillment. 

His voice beckons: I am with you always.

Have you had a similar experience of expecting marriage to change you? Even now, several years into this call, I still have foolish, fleeting thoughts that I can pray my shortcomings away without actually taking practical steps toward living out my vocation better.

We are all works in progress, and the Father is merciful, there alongside us. I’m reminded of St. Teresa of Calcutta’s words: “I used to think that prayer changes things,” she said. “But now I know that prayer changes us and we change things.”

Whether you’re anticipating your marriage to come, living out the first months of newlywed life, or deep into your vocation and wondering how to grow, may each of us--me included--open ourselves to constant transformation and a deeper understanding of Love’s demands.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Death to Control Freaks: Inviting Trust + Selflessness into Newlywed Life

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KATE THIBODEAU

 

Have you felt a surprising sense of losing independence or control after your wedding day? If you’ve experienced this in uniting your life with your husband’s, I understand. 

Photography: Diane Murtha, seen in How He Asked | Ashleigh + Rodolfo

Photography: Diane Murtha, seen in How He Asked | Ashleigh + Rodolfo

As an independent thinker and doer throughout my life, before marriage I took pride in going about my daily plans and crafting a great big future for myself. Seeing this resourcefulness bloom as a single adult, I enjoyed my self-reliance. I used my motivation to push myself in planning each future endeavor, from daily meals to progress towards my degree or future career.

Marriage throws a wrench in your independence when you realize you are no longer a lone ranger in complete control of your future.

While we usually recognize we are sacrificing ourselves, both body and soul, at the altar, this loss is felt more keenly in the field when we live out our marriage vows together day by day. 

 As a newlywed, I loved including my husband in my daily plans, spending as much time together as possible. Having survived a distance engagement, we were so enthralled by the opportunity of finally living as one and uniting our daily lives. 

However, after the first few months passed, I realized the difficulty of fully involving another’s thoughts, comforts, and wishes into my everyday decisions. Maybe I didn’t plan to cook tonight, for instance, but he would love a full meal after a hard day: a death to selfishness.

 These everyday inconveniences could be thrown aside with a bit of resolution and love for my spouse. Of course spouses want to accommodate and serve each other. However, the impact of losing this control over your own self and circumstances is a bigger trial. Life becomes completely shared with your spouse--something I was to learn sooner than expected.

My picture-perfect plans for my life, and our unified existence, was shaken by opportunities for trust. The first of these experiences came in the form of allowing myself to consider starting our family sooner than I had planned. In following Natural Family Planning, my husband and I were perpetually open to life, but coming into our marriage, we--rather, I--had been quite clear in the  expectation to attempt to delay pregnancy until a certain number of years had passed. 

 Marriage is compromise accompanied by trust. It shone through brilliantly when I quickly realized my husband’s desire to become a father was growing, and my preconceived notions were founded in a sense of doubt and denial that God could be calling us--calling me--sooner.

As a self recognized control-freak, I would gladly welcome our family’s future wrapped neatly in a box, signed, addressed, and dated with each big event dutifully marked in my planner. 

However, my vocation calls me to fluidity in our plans, to openness to the needs of my spouse and his ability to help support our family, and to patient trust in God’s providence. We must commit to ongoing communication about the direction of the adventure God should decide to take us. Whether that be moving where our careers call or sacrificing comfort for the security of our family, we must always trust in God’s leading hand to point us in the right direction. For when has he failed us before?

As newlyweds, our need to rise above the selfishness of our natures is a daily challenge. God does not call the weak to the vocation of marriage, but he does grant us regular opportunities to strive for virtue. Our vices in our single lives shine through more blatantly when met with the sacrifice needed for a fruitful marriage. 

 The drastic change from the single life to dependency upon your spouse can be jarring and uncomfortable. My experience, however, proves my husband and I feel most unified when allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, allowing God to direct our lives. 

Marriage is not only a death to self, but a death to pride, independence, and all the qualities that drive us to feel in control. 

It is a daily sacrifice to take my husband’s needs and desires into account, and a bigger challenge still to entrust our lives into the hands of an all-knowing God.

I do not pretend to be anywhere near overcoming my desire to be in control or in the know regarding our future. Yet I know the graces of marriage allow us to grow in virtue, both together and as individuals. 

 Rest assured that your vocation to marriage will lead you to a greater understanding of your personal vices, accompanied with a deeper desire to pursue a death to them. I challenge you, and myself, to continuously invite trust in God’s direction for your marriage, and seek to lift up selfishness in prayer. 

In those newlywed moments when you feel disconnected or disillusioned by the ideals of your perfectly planned life, know you are where God desires you to be. He is calling you to a greater future with your husband. A greater holiness.

 About the Author: Recently married to her best friend and partner towards salvation, Kate Thibodeau is learning how to best serve her vocation as a wife while using her God-given talents. Mama to angel baby, Charlotte Rose, and new Baby Lizzy, Kate has an English degree from Benedictine College, and strives to live the Benedictine motto: that in all things, God may be glorified. Kate loves literature, romance, beautiful music, pretty things, wedding planning, and building a community of strong Catholic women.

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Integrity Makes Us Whole: What it Means to Desire a Visually Beautiful Wedding Day

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

In my experiences working with brides and engaged couples, I’ve talked to many women who excitedly describe their wedding plans to me, often followed by a qualifier something like, “but of course, the sacrament is the most important part.” 

It’s true! Entering into marriage, speaking your wedding vows with soul and body, is transformative. An outpouring of grace. 

Photography: Fiat Photography

Photography: Fiat Photography

And yet, why do couples sometimes feel guilt when they dream of a visually beautiful wedding day? Is it that they hope beauty won’t be a distraction from the greater, divine reality taking place, or that downplaying the material elements is somehow more virtuous?

If you’ve ever felt this way, I commend your spirit of humility and moderation. I also invite you to reconsider the purpose of beauty. 

Any desire you have for a beautiful wedding--the church, the music, the gown, the flowers, the meal, and more--isn’t at odds with the sacrament. In fact, I’d argue sensory beauty enriches the beauty of the sacrament. God himself is all truth, goodness and beauty.

Therefore, held in proper perspective, any wedding elements that evoke the true, good and beautiful are an opportunity--an invitation--to know the heart of God more deeply. These desires are a good thing!

I call this an “appeal to the heart.” Beauty stirs something within us; an ache for meaning and for the infinite. We are made for eternal life, and so these longings draw us into our identity and purpose. 

Truth, goodness, and beauty are relational. A bridge. Wherever you are in your spiritual life, whether or not all your wedding guests are Catholic, beauty speaks a language we can all understand. It brings together the intangible with the real, integrating them into something more powerful than either could be on its own and making us more wholly human.

Integration and integrity are so closely linked. When our priorities are rightly ordered, there is peace, and less disconnect between our interior lives and the exterior we present to the world.

I see this sense of order extend beyond wedding planning and into the dynamics of relationships and marriage: love itself is a school of integrity.

When we act out of love, rather than seeking to gain, we’re free to express love in a way befitting our current state (whether engagement or marriage). In living out authentic love as best as we’re able--that is, a love that gives freely, faithfully, totally, and fruitfully--our words and bodies communicate respect, reverence, and an encounter beyond just the physical. A true sense of integrity.

When the body, soul, and mind are ordered toward freedom and self-gift, authentic love becomes far more than guidance or rules; rules become unnecessary, because we’re already living out our personhood as we’re meant to.

Have you experienced these tensions--that is, a desire to prioritize the sacramental nature of your wedding day while still conveying visual and sensory beauty? A hope to lessen any division between the inner and outer parts of who you are?

That tension is our humanity; the gift and weight of living in this world while anticipating the next. I hope beauty stirs and moves you, that your wedding day and marriage make God’s goodness visible, and that the pursuit of integrity bears abundant fruits in your vocation.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Newlywed Life | Sharing a Meal is a Sharing of Who You Are.

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Rejoicing over her engagement and the anticipation of married life, Saint Gianna Molla wrote in a letter to her husband-to-be, “With the help and blessing of God, we shall do all in our power that our new family may be a little cenacle where Jesus may reign over all affections, desires and actions.”

What is a cenacle? In Latin, the root translates to “Upper Room,” and in Greek, to the name for the first Christian Church. It follows, then, that Gianna hoped she and her beloved Pietro could create a domestic church centered on divine love. 

Consider, too, the Last Supper. The site of Jesus’s final meal with his disciples, wherein he instituted the Eucharist and granted them the instruction to do the same, is known in the Holy Land as the Upper Room or Cenacle.

Read more on creating a sense of peace and routine in your home life.

The disciples did not remain in the upper room; they were sent forth. There is something powerful and profound about breaking bread and then going out into the world, fortified. Though Jesus’s disciples became the first priests, those of us called to married life can embody these same principles of sharing a meal and sending forth, by cultivating hospitality.

The Catholic faith is a sensory one, whose source and summit is the very body and blood of Christ. It is a faith filled with beautiful settings, art, poetry, music, incense, and more; all called to draw our minds and hearts heavenward to the Father--the source of all beauty. When we experience a desire to create a comfortable, beautiful home for ourselves and our guests or to assemble an attractive and delicious meal, we partake in that desire for beauty that inspires and heightens our senses.

Combining food and faith can be Eucharistic--literally, thanksgiving. Read our interview with Emily Stimpson Chapman, author of The Catholic Table.

What’s more, a desire to share and communicate this beauty with others is a natural outpouring of marriage. Authentic love naturally leads to fruitfulness; a desire to exist beyond the spouses. 

This is seen in an obvious way through the gift of children, but also through the gift of hospitality and invitation. Saint John Paul II wrote in Familiaris Consortio, his apostolic exhortation on the family’s role in the world--in the world, not as an island--that “the family has the mission to guard, reveal and communicate love, and this is a living reflection of and a real sharing in God's love for humanity and the love of Christ the Lord for the Church his bride.”  

Inviting friends and family members into your home life for a meal and conversation is intimate and revealing for this very reason; sharing of yourselves at the service of others opens a door and encourages true communion. It feels like no coincidence that in a breaking of bread, there is also a breaking down of walls. 

It’s okay not to have a picture-perfect home. Read more on the home as a place of transition.

If, then, you and your spouse find yourselves eager to foster community and invite others into your domestic church, your cenacle, do it! The fruits of hosting and preparing a meal for guests can communicate something far deeper: a sharing of yourselves.

Any guests or dinner parties on your calendar this month? Cookbook recommendations from the Spoken Bride team:

Paleo Comfort Foods by Julie and Charles Mayfield, recommended by Jiza Zito, Co-Founder & Creative Director

Against All Grain by Danielle Walker, recommended by Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook by Deb Perelman, recommended by Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

Dining In by Alison Roman, recommended by Stephanie Calis, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

Dealing With Spiritual Desolation During Engagement + Married Life

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DENAE PELLERIN

 

Desolation characterized most of my dating and engagement relationships with my husband. At one point in dating as we sat outside an Adoration chapel, I confessed, “I don’t think that I believe in God anymore.” 

He looked at me and said, “I will love you regardless and pray for you, because that must be so hard for you.” 

Photography: Jordan Dumba Photography, from the author’s wedding

Photography: Jordan Dumba Photography, from the author’s wedding

Faithful for so many years, I was sitting in the midst of the answer of my prayers for a Christ-like man to become my spouse, yet I could not experience the presence of God in a way I once knew. 

My husband’s response to my struggles brought forward an image of a tender Jesus, patiently waiting for me--not a dictator waiting for me to conform. How broken my image of God had become; where I feared him and lived in compliance. 

As we approached our wedding day, I began feeling anxious about whether or not this sacrament would give me the “high” I longed for--that connection I once had felt with the Lord. I began to fear: would it mean something is wrong if that didn’t happen? What do I have to do to make sure I “feel” something? Is my lack of faith a sign that this vocation is not for me?

Faithful trust pulled me forward, helping me believe that even without the spiritual high, God would be present and our wedding day could bring glory to him. 

I also began reflecting on the gift of desolation, which allowed my mind to discern my vocation without the clouding of emotions and “signs” that could lead me to confusion. My past prayer journals showed me how my soon-to-be-husband was exactly what I had always longed for, and I had an immense sense of peace at the thought of marrying him. 

I vowed to put intentional effort into everything about our wedding, as though I had complete trust and faith in God. As I began contemplating the intricacies of our nuptial Mass, I was drawn towards readings and songs that kept me grounded in the truths of the Catholic faith I could believe in this moment, the hope I held for our future, my past experiences and journey to a place of faith, and requests for assistance from God and the saints. 

One of the reasons I chose the parish we were married in was for the stained glass image of the Annunciation right above the altar. For years I had been attending the parish; often during Mass, I would gaze upon the image of Mary kneeling before the angel. At one time, I had a great devotion to Mary and her words “Let it done to me according to thy will” were the words that came to me in moments of great risk and faith.

In this time of desolation and uncertainty, I found comfort and affiliation in the image of me kneeling with my husband, and Mary, before the angel. 

On our wedding day we approached the altar to Sara Groves’ “He’s Always Been Faithful to Me,” a song that proclaims a truth my heart cannot always make. 

Our Gospel reading was the Beatitudes. As the line “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy” was proclaimed, it pierced my heart. As a social worker and pro-life advocate, so much of my desolation had come from experiencing immense brokenness and not seeing God’s power within it. 

That desolation had brought me to a place of hopelessness and struggles with sin. Yet here on this day, I heard the voice of the Lord telling me he saw me. 

He saw my merciful heart for others and in response, his mercy would extend, overwhelm, and overlook all the brokenness I had been feeling and experiencing. I was-- and had always been-- enough for him, despite my struggles with lack of belief. 

It did not overtake my body like so many experiences of the Holy Spirit had before;, it was not a fire lit in my soul. The experience was so intimate, and what I realize now is that it was an acknowledgement to the constant burning, which had been there even when I could no longer see.

 About the Author: Denae Pellerin discovered the truth of Christ at an evangelical summer camp as a youth and later made her way to the Catholic Church because of her public Catholic education. Denae loves Catholic Social Teaching, Marian Devotions, and Women-Centered Pro-Life Actions.

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A Reflection on Veiling and Intimacy

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

How did a recent Mass reading about the Ten Commandments lead me to tears over the gift of the body and the hidden, particular relationship spouses share with one another?

Photography: Fiat Photography

Photography: Fiat Photography

The Book of Exodus accounts how, after times in conversation with God, Moses would descend Mount Sinai radiant; literally and visibly changed by the encounter. The Israelites were uncomfortable at the sight, “afraid to come near him.”

Ultimately, we read that Moses makes the decision to veil himself when he comes down from the mountaintop, covering the radiance upon his face. He only removes it when alone and in the presence of God, in prayer.

How beautifully analogous this sense of veiled radiance is to the way our own prayer lives can or should be, and to the nature of marriage. How there is deep joy in being unveiled, naked before the Beloved, but only within the most intimate, free, and trusting setting.

Why is it I felt shy in front of friends and family after returning home from my honeymoon? Why do we struggle to hide our stupid, seemingly uncontainable grins from others after a moment of transcendence in prayer or in our relationship with our spouse?

It’s hard to re-enter the world right after those mountaintop experiences, still wearing that radiance. Part of my desire to do so, I’ve realized, is a wish to keep the experience sacred. Hidden. Not out of shame, but out of reverence for the gift.

On her wedding day, a bride veils herself, reserving the fullness of a face-to-face gaze for her bridegroom alone. At every Mass, the tabernacle is kept covered or closed until the Liturgy of the Eucharist--the holy union wherein time stops and heaven meets earth.

It is when these respective sacraments are complete--consummated--that an unveiling takes place, honoring the goodness of the body: those of husband and wife, speaking the language of their wedding vows in the flesh, and that of Christ himself, broken, poured out, and given to his bride the Church.

Just as Moses encountered the living God in a direct, personal way, so too do the sacraments draw us into his presence as closely as is possible on earth. And we are indelibly changed: Ven. Fulton Sheen reflected on the knowledge of another that is revealed to spouses in marriage. There is no return to how things were, he says, for “neither can live again as if nothing had ever happened.”

Whether you’re in the season of discernment, of preparing for marriage, or of living out married life, may all earthly joys reveal to you the love of our divine Beloved. May you be encouraged in freedom, unmasked, unveiled, and radiant with his love.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Has Comparison Played a Role in Your Vocation? Thoughts on Humility + Authenticity.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

In my attempts to dialogue about the Catholic faith with charity and respect, to help others feel seen and heard, and to treat differences of opinion with a sympathetic, analytical mindset, it’s easy for me to believe I’m immune to pride. 

But that outlook is, in itself, prideful.

Photography: Christina Canaday, c/o Something Blue, LLC

Photography: Christina Canaday, c/o Something Blue, LLC

The Pharisees, in Scripture, seem so different from me on the surface: confrontational, rule-bound, unmerciful. And yet, when I consider the deeper implications of their attitude, I see the painful similarities to my own bad habits, particularly in regard to comparison and pride.

Seeing your imperfections hurts. But they don’t define you. Read more here.

As my husband and I planned our wedding, we’d pat ourselves on the back for spending thousands less than wedding websites said a typical celebration would cost. As I cut sugar and flour from my diet in the month before the big day, I hoped family and friends would admire my fashion savvy and my looking thinner in the strapless ballgown I couldn’t wait to wear.

As we entered into newlywed life and, later, into parenthood, I’d mentally congratulate our willingness to travel and explore our new state when we could’ve stayed home instead, and our first child’s behavior he was calm and occupied in public.

What is it that distinguishes pride from being proud of yourself? Certainly, it’s not bad to spend within your means, to approach your appearance in a healthy way, to cultivate a fulfilling life and to parent attentively. But what about the areas of our wedding in which we overspent? What about the times my husband and I just didn’t feel like doing something social media-worthy? What about the times our baby fussed or struggled while we were out?

When I look at the root of these occasions, I see a desire for others to perceive me favorably, rather than a desire to be an instrument of the Father’s gifts.

I recognize the sense of underlying comparison, as if my choices make me superior, as if they define me, rather than just existing as choices. In my pride, I see the times in which can’t deny I’ve valued the earthly over the divine--a priority of myself above all else. How far I have to grow.

In Matthew’s Gospel, Christ condemns the Pharisees as “hypocrites.” The word hypocrite comes from the Greek word hypokrites, which means “actor.” 

Actors in ancient Greek theatre wore masks. When I consider my temptations to comparison and pride, I’m forced to confront the masks I want to wear: that my husband and I have a good relationship and have our lives together, that my appearance can garner attention, that my children’s good behavior is a direct reflection of my parenting. Again, these desires aren’t all inherently bad, yet in my desire to let them define me and to help others see me in the best light, I see the Pharisee in me, and I am humbled.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes Saint Augustine in describing humility; the virtue of rightly understanding our nature and identity within the order of creation: “Man,” wrote Augustine, “is a beggar before God.”

Have you experienced similar thought patterns as mine--the belief that the choices you make in your engagement and marriage need to reflect well on you, and the fall into pride? Recognizing the masks we wear hurts; removing them is painful. When I remind myself I am seen, and accepted by the Lord in this journey of growth even without my masks, I find myself consoled and encouraged to live more authentically. More humbly. To examine the roots of my desires and strive to align them with God’s glory, not my own.

This week, I encourage you to examine your own desires: do you want to achieve them to draw attention to yourself, or to Christ within you? I can assure you that I’m right there alongside you, trying always to break my habits of comparison and to pursue greater humility. In our rawness and weakness, we are loved all the same.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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4 Secular Novels Featuring Insights into Authentic Love + Catholic Marriage

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

Can non-spiritual reading have a place in your formation and prayer life?

Catholic author Walker Percy said, “Fiction doesn’t tell us something we don’t know. It tells us something we know but don’t know that we know.” 

The Catholic faith offers us a rich treasury of theologians, ancient and contemporary, who have shed light on Scripture, the sacraments, prayer, and more, in a language we can comprehend in our humanness. And certainly, there are a wealth of resources on relationships and sacramental marriage, in particular.

I’ve found my world-view changed for the better by the religious works I’ve encountered on love and marriage. Yet the truth is, I’ve never felt entirely comfortable admitting that spiritual reading isn’t my favorite genre. 

A lifelong literature lover, it’s taken time for me to articulate what I now deeply believe to be true: stories that convey goodness, truth, and beauty--those that reveal the nature and purpose of the human person and human love--can be just as powerful as theological writing in showing us who we are and directing our hearts to God. 

While spiritual writing provides a good and necessary framework and lens for our understanding, literature, for me, brings these truths to life in a tangible, embodied way as we experience characters’ interior lives. Together, they supplement one another and offer an enriching education in self-knowledge, love, and faith.

Here, for fiction lovers like me, a selection of novels beyond perennial Catholic favorites like Austen, Waugh, O’Connor, Percy, and Berry, that illuminate the human heart and offer life-giving insights into love and marriage.

A Place for Us, Fatima Farheen Mirza

This story of estranged siblings and parents re-entering each other’s lives for a wedding jumps seamlessly through time and memory, sharing such recognizable, true-to-life accounts of longtime marriage, growing up with siblings, experiencing your first love, and the pain of distance and division. I finished this book in tears, filled with the hope that no matter how imperfect our earthly relationships might be, our hope lies in our resurrection at the heavenly wedding banquet.

Sample passage: “I have looked up at this sky since I was a child and I have always been stirred, in the most secret depth of me that I alone cannot access, and if that is not my soul awakening to the majesty of my creator then what is it?”

Circe, Madeline Miller

The centuries-long lifetime of the witch from The Odyssey, who famously turned men into pigs, is reimagined in this beautiful novel. Reading about the Greek gods’ immortal nature—and Circe’s resulting years of solitude and loneliness—I was repeatedly struck by the fact that eternal life means nothing without the divine Beloved; the Bridegroom. It is the love of God that gives meaning to our creation and existence.

What’s more, I found myself deeply moved by the incarnational, embodied dimension of love, as this book explores through the nature of gods and men: Christ took on human flesh and a mortal life out of love. Our mortality is not the end of the story.

Sample passage: “I have aged... Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I am vain and dissatisfied. But I do not wish myself back. Of course my flesh reaches for the earth.” 

Saints for All Occasions, J. Courtney Sullivan

How does the Lord work within the discernment choices we make? After sacramentally entering into a vocation and experiencing doubts, does it matter? This bittersweet story of two Irish Catholic sisters who immigrate to Boston in the mid-twentieth century delves into the daily rituals and intimacies that make up both married and religious life, with encouragement to seek God’s will in all things.

Sample passage:  “Think of a marriage, husband and wife. The piece of paper, the white wedding dress, they don't promise anything. A person has to stay there, fight for it, every day.” 

The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro

Love as an act of the will, rather than a flight of emotion, is integral to an authentic communion that imitates Christ’s own love. Is it possible, though, that an overcommitment to duty over emotion can become a source of regret?

As I read this story of an English butler and his relationships with his master and a fellow, female servant, I considered how the things we don’t say frequently speak as loudly as the things we do. I found it a poignant reflection on the human need for vulnerability and expressing affection.

Sample passage: “If you are under the impression you have already perfected yourself, you will never rise to the heights you are no doubt capable of.” 

I love pondering the ways in which the worldly echoes the sacred; the ways in which popular or secular media expresses a universal truth that aligns with human nature and the Catholic faith. What novels can you recommend for insights into love and marriage? Share in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Surrendering Infertility to a Loving, Creative God

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

When my husband and I were engaged, we looked forward to someday raising a family. We did have a few conversations about that Big Unknown: what if we’re unable to have kids?

But we--especially I--didn’t consider it to be a real possibility, or even necessarily a totally negative one. “Of course we’ll be open to life and try to have a family, but if kids aren’t part of God’s plan for us, we’ll be fine with that,” I thought. “Besides, then I’d be able to continue with my career. That would be nice.”

Now happily married and having discerned together that the time is right to try to conceive, months start to pass by. Despite our careful NFP charting and frequent visits with our gynecologist, we’ve not been able to.

 Frustration set in, and emotions ran the gamut. Being unable to conceive when it suddenly seems like every other couple around is either expecting or juggling a handful of kids is really, really hard. 

The words of a hymn my childhood parish sang jump to my mind with fresh relevance: “The kingdom of God is challenge and choice.” The presenting challenge: physical infertility.

 With regard to how we approach this challenge, God gives us a choice: do we let ourselves fall into a sinful, selfish attitude of impatience or anger toward him, presuming to believe our wedding vows somehow entitle us to a child? Or do we instead imitate Our Lady’s response of unhesitating trust in God’s plan: Fiat, let it be done unto me according to your word?

Just as God had a unique, perfect plan for Mary’s fertility--one she had almost certainly not foreseen a moment before the Annunciation!--he also has a plan for yours.

 Your seasons of physical fertility and infertility are willed by him for the sanctification of the world and the salvation of souls. In my own experience, this time of physical infertility has actually been incredibly spiritually fertile.

As Christ has been helping me carry this cross, He has been moving my heart in new ways. He has been planting gardens in my heart in places I didn’t know there were stones. He has been immersing me deeper into the mystery of his love as he and I and my husband live out that love in our marriage.

Where did his gardening work begin? With the label of “infertile.” In my mind, our being unable to conceive at this point in our marriage meant we were never going to have children. Further, as it appeared from our NFP charting that my body was the reason for our unsuccessful attempts at achieving a pregnancy, I saw myself as broken. Having had a rocky relationship with my body before, this feeling of brokenness was particularly poignant--and painful.

As I was praying (and crying, to be honest) after receiving communion during one particularly difficult Sunday Mass filled with many families, I heard Christ’s voice speak to my heart: “Is my life inside your body enough for you?”

When one is in a state of grace, Christ’s life is present in that soul. But when we receive him in the Eucharist, Christ comes to dwell physically inside our bodies also. My body is most certainly not broken, for the Most Precious Body of the creator of the universe lives safely inside me.

 Christ’s transformative work on my heart has continued further. Although my body is not broken, medical help does offer assistance in restoring to the female body the ability to conceive a child and then sustain that pregnancy.

My husband and I began seeing a Catholic gynecologist during our engagement, when we noticed our marriage-prep NFP charting wasn’t looking like the examples in the textbook. When we found we weren’t able to conceive after we married, our doctor prescribed medication intended to normalize my hormone levels—and I resented taking those two little pills.

 The Catechism teaches “spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity” (CCC 2379). I researched the jelly out of those two medications and found them totally within the lines of moral legitimacy. But I still begrudged taking them.

I asked my husband for his thoughts on the whole matter, including the Catechism’s perspective: “Honey, what do you think? Does ‘exhausting legitimate medical procedures’ mean I am morally obligated to keep taking those pills until I reach menopause?!”

My husband paused and thought for a time. I waited.

“I don’t think it’s morally wrong to eventually stop taking the pills, if time has confirmed they aren’t helping,” he began, “but we’re not there yet. Not enough time has passed for us to reach conclusions like that. For now, I do think a decision not to take them would say something about your openness to pregnancy. Is taking two pills really too much of a burden for you, if they may be helping your body function as God intends it to?”

That brought all my defensiveness crashing down. Here, Christ brought another tangled piece of my heart into his healing light.

I realized taking those pills is one way I am called to work with God and my husband to make our marriage one truly open to the arrival of children. This is, concretely, one way I can assent to my role as a co-creator with them.

My daily “yes” to taking the medications can embody, in a little way, my continual surrender of my desire for a flawless body, my ambitions for my career, and my fear of the unknowns that would accompany motherhood--all for the greater good of fostering a marriage that is fully open to the Lord’s plans, whatever they might be. Fiat, let it be done unto me.

Personally, this season of infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Christ has taught me in so many new ways what it truly means to be a wife and a mother.

 As a religious sister once shared on a middle school retreat, God intends each and every woman he creates to be a MOM: a Master Of Magnanimity. We are called to be generous of mind and heart, willing to endure hardship and discomfort in order that great things might be accomplished through us.

For me, this has meant a daily surrender of my desires and fears while coming to a deeper acceptance of my body exactly how God has made it.

The lessons Christ wishes to teach you during this season might be different, but through all the challenges and choices, never doubt that he has amazing plans and the perfect timeline in mind for your fertility. Our loving, creative God will never be outdone in generosity. Never give up hoping in, trusting, and walking with him.

About the Author: Erin Buchmann enjoys daily Mass, outdoor adventures, crossword puzzles and Ben & Jerry's. She and her husband reside in Virginia but dream of the day they'll move back to the Midwest.

Stressed By All the Tasks and Projects of Wedding Planning and Newlywed Life? Words of Wisdom from St. Teresa of Calcutta.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

When asked where she drew the energy to serve the poorest, sickest, and most unseen individuals of her city day after day, St. Teresa of Calcutta expressed that time and attention are gifts to be given from one human heart to another. It wasn’t about quantity, she emphasized, because “love is inefficient.”

Love is inefficient. A privileged world away from the streets of India, these words rang out nonetheless as I prepared to enter into my vocation. 

Throughout my engagement, and on into marriage and young family life, I have experienced love’s inefficiency and am better for it.

I experienced it the afternoon my husband and I met halfway between Pennsylvania and West Virginia and attempted to create a wedding registry in a single afternoon. Arguments ensued as we felt the temptation to materialism and pressure of limited time together. 

I experienced it in my desire to spend significant time with each of our wedding guests as we circled the tables at our reception, wishing I could sit down for an extensive catchup while knowing there were dozens of other friends and family members to greet. Feeling the tension of being gracious for photos and hugs alongside the need to continue moving through the room.

I experienced it in our new apartment after our honeymoon, frequently prioritizing cleaning, unpacking, decorating, and thank you notes over quality time with my husband. And I continue experiencing it now, fighting digital distractions and my desire for an orderly home while striving to be present and attentive to my children. 

Have you been through something similar? A goal with a need for convenience and speed--a need for efficiency--that can come at the cost of your relationships and your spiritual life.

Wedding planning and the transition to married life bring with them countless tasks to resolve and check off, yet I’m reminded that love is my ultimate vocation and ultimate priority: reverence and thanks to the Father who has given these gifts and opportunities; sacrifice for and sincere attention to my family.

Though I remain far from perfect in this dimension of love, I’ve often recognized that perceived inefficiencies and inconveniences that I view as slowing me down until I can enjoy the “real” goal of time, conversation, and leisure with those I love, aren’t actually steps along the path to an end point at all. Instead, the Lord repeatedly shows me that in detours and on the path itself, I am prompted to embrace inefficiency and be present for the moment in which he has placed me. 

If that means our wedding registry could have been broken down into separate tasks as my husband and I enjoyed our weekend together instead of running to accomplish as much as possible; if the dishes aren’t done but I’ve gotten to read on the couch with my kids, what might seem like inefficiency is, in reality, an opportunity for connection, encounter, intimacy. An opportunity for a greater love.

What might seem like a distraction or inconvenience from a task at hand can, with a changed perspective, become invitations to realize our own poverty: without the Father, we’re capable of nothing.

When we reject the idols of efficiency and productivity in wedding planning and in daily married life, we allow ourselves to step forward in trust, to embrace his mercy, and to let our eyes be opened to a true seeing and deeper understanding of those we are called to love.

We love hearing your experiences and growing together in sisterhood. What areas of engagement or newlywed life have brought you struggles with efficiency, and how have you overcome them? Share in the comments and on our social media.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Reflections in a Chalice

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STEPHANIE FRIES

 

There are several moments from our wedding day frozen in my mind as a still life memory. These memories become as clear as a picture when I tell a story from that day. Sometimes, an external trigger causes one of those freeze frame moments to captivate my full attention like a daydream.

Recently, as I participated in the Liturgy of the Mass on a routine Sunday morning, I was transported to a vivid memory, but relieved the moment with entirely new perspective.

During the Eucharistic prayers, the literal surroundings faded out of my periphery and I was transported to the Eucharistic prayers during our wedding Mass. On our wedding day, I noticed a reflection in the chalice; the image fused itself to my mind as a picture I will never forget. It wasn’t until the most recent trigger of that moment when a rush of the Holy Spirit brought meaning to my grace-filled memory.

I felt my husband kneeling by my side at the foot of the altar. Our beloved priest lifted the chalice high above our heads, as he stood with power and grace in persona Christi. As I looked up in wonder and awe and complete surrender to the beauty of that moment, I was captivated by mirror image of myself and my husband, dressed in white, on our knees in prayer and thanksgiving. Our picture was the image in the shimmering gold of the chalice.

The chalice is the cup which holds the red wine: the juice of the fruit of the vine. Through the Eucharistic prayers and the Liturgy of the Mass, the wine becomes the Blood of Christ.

The contents of that chalice become a mingling of water and wine, humanity and divinity, mercy and love, death and new life.

As we knelt far below the greatness of that chalice, my husband and I were the visible reflection in its surface. This image is a metaphor of a powerful truth: on our wedding day, we became the visible reflection of Christ’s sacrifice, physical bodies to share sacrifice as love.

This is the call of the vocation to marriage.

In marriage, a bridegroom and his bride become the image of Christ and the Church. The two become one reflection of Christ’s love. Like the blood turned wine, acts of sacrifice are transformed into acts of love. Like the intoxicating effects of wine, the fruits of love are intoxicating in the most holy, joyful, and abundant ways through marriage and family life.

In the sacrament of marriage, God offers brides and grooms a gift. He offers men and women the glory of the Passion, so husbands and wives may both receive God’s love and become co-creaters of new love—new life—to share Love within in their homes and communities.

Where did the wine, the blood, in that chalice come from? Jesus carried a wooden cross on his back then he died upon that cross. The pain and agony of that experience is real. In the same way, there will be pain and agony in our marriages. But this is not the end. As we see a foreshadow of our vocation in Christ’s story, we too can have constant hope in the joy of the resurrection: the infinite pouring and sharing of love for ages to come.

The next time you attend Mass, pray for the eyes to see your own vocation on the altar, being broken and shared as a visible sign of love. God desires to share these graces with us. This is the joy we are called to live on this side of heaven.

About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Newlywed Life | When Your Relationship Feels Stuck in a Rut

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

At 23, I thought I was entering into marriage without any veils of illusion or idealism, understanding that love runs far deeper than emotion. Yet there’s an undyingly romantic part of my heart that still expected married life would be a constant adventure.

I found myself surprised, then, when several months into our vocation my husband and I both found ourselves...restless. We were far from family and seeking community, eating similar meals each week, watching The Office every night. Even as we savored the newlywed days of discovering what our life together would look like, we searched for a sense of direction.

We craved routine, but didn’t want to be bored. We knew we weren’t one another’s ultimate earthly fulfillment, yet still desired to feel fulfilled.

Have you experienced a relationship rut like this? Maybe your own sense of restlessness has looked like mine, in the form of seeking more variety in your newlywed life after the activity-filled periods of your wedding planning and honeymoon. Maybe it’s a lack of quality time together in seasons of travel, deployment, or new parenthood.

While I can attest to the benefits of resisting idleness, pursuing new hobbies together, and establishing meaningful morning and bedtime routines, I also encourage you not to push your restlessness aside, eager to fill it and move on. Instead, lean into your sense of hunger. Ask  yourself why that sense has taken root.

In my experience, Saint Augustine’s famous words that only in the Lord do we find true rest are the reason I ache. A longing for the Lord--the source of all beauty, fulfillment, joy, adventure--is why I find myself particularly unsatisfied on the days I don’t pray, the days I can’t stop the social media scroll, the days I selfishly prioritize myself over my husband and children.

It’s good to shake up my routines, to seek new pursuits that make my mind and soul come alive, to create a sense of order within my day. Yet I remind myself these goods can become distractions if I forget they’re rooted in who I am: a person, willed out of love and made for more than this world.

When this deepest truth of my identity gets pushed aside for worldly things, that’s when boredom and restlessness settle in. Pope Benedict XVI wrote, “this aspiration in the human heart is indelible...the thirst for the infinite that dwells in men and women is not slaked. Instead a frantic, sterile search for ‘false infinites’ begins, that can satisfy them at least for a moment...We must uproot all the false promises of the infinite that seduce men and women and enslave people. Truly to rediscover ourselves and our identity, to live our dignity, we must return to recognizing that we are creatures, dependent on God. The possibility of a truly free and full life is linked to recognizing this dependence — which in our inmost depths is the joyous discovery of being God’s children.”

In those early days of marriage as my husband and I struggled against what felt like the mundane, the Father, in his loving grace, gently drew our focus back to him. I felt a pull on my heart to invite him into my daily tasks and maintain a dialogue of prayer throughout the day; truly, this practice began to center me. My husband and I began attending weekly Adoration hours and gradually became involved in ministries and relationships at our parish.

We found when we followed through on commitments related to our personal holiness and worked on developing a shared spiritual life, the restlessness faded into the background. We felt more alive in our marriage and our daily responsibilities. At the same time, everyday rituals and hobbies came more easily and organically; there was less Netflix scrolling and more seeking beauty, more long walks to explore our new state, more literature, more putting our phones away.

What’s more, the mundane suddenly didn’t seem so difficult. Daily prayer and a sense of intention in our actions brought a new sense of contentment and purpose to laundry, dishes, and errands. Even less-fun tasks felt more meaningful when I stopped to remind myself that this, a shared life with a man who cherished and sanctified me, was what I always dreamed of.

I still recall this sentiment several years later, as our daily lives are heavily focused on raising our young children. These are the days I prayed for; may I not lose sight of these gifts.

Boredom, I now realize, is the Lord urging us to return our gaze to him.

The parable of the Prodigal Son comes to mind when we find ourselves in a rut: it is a hunger, an ache for more, that leads him to seek that which is away from God. Ultimately, it is that same hunger that brings him home, back to rejoicing and to the true feast.

If your own current season feels aimless, restless, or boring, I encourage you to sit for a moment in your feelings. Embrace quiet or discomfort, and listen for the Father’s voice. What is it he is calling you to?

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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What is a Culture of Encounter? Creating One on Your Wedding Day + Beyond

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

What can 21st century brides learn from a priest and sister who lived one hundred years ago?

Encounter is a gift women uniquely are able to give.

Blessed James Alberione and Venerable Mother Thecla Merlo, two founding members of the Daughters of Saint Paul, recognized the mediums of film, music, radio, and literature as goods that can share with the world what is true, good, and beautiful. Against the odds of transatlantic travel, the Great Depression, limited resources, and fear, Father Alberione and Mother Thecla’s conviction in the Father’s call ultimately led to the establishment and development of a thriving, faithful order of sisters.

The Daughters of Saint Paul travel the U.S. and worldwide using media to evangelize, and have hubs in several cities across the country. In these cities, the order’s materials and publications are sold in stores known as Books & Media Centers.

On a recent visit to the sisters’ Provincial House in Boston, I was struck by one of Father Alberione’s thoughts on his mission and took a picture of a plaque expressing them: the order’s book centers, he said, “are not places of business, but centers of light and warmth in Jesus Christ. The book center is not like any other book store. It is a ‘church’ where the Word of God is distributed...it is sacred...Light, holiness, and joy are the goals sought. The counter is a pulpit.”

The counter is a pulpit. This idea echoed a deep desire I feel to help those I encounter throughout the day--however briefly or extensively--to feel seen and heard.

Making meaningful eye contact with someone, conveying sincere interest in him or her even in the answer to the simple question how are you?, wishing them a good day; all these actions reveal a Christ-like love and tap into something essential: the human heart’s longing to be known.

In the nature of femininity and womanhood, I see a particular ability to help others (even including strangers) feel valued and known. To create a culture of encounter--one that seeks to acknowledge and respect another’s dignity, to push past surface-level interaction, to look up from our phones. The word encounter conveys a true seeing and a dissolving of walls. That’s a dynamic--a culture--I want to help create.

Saint Edith Stein wrote, “the destiny of every woman is to be bride and mother.” Your personal pulpit might not be a store counter, but in the workplace, in your family, on your wedding day.

The sister hosting my visit described how the order’s centers are true their name. Genuinely, she said, they are centers of conversation, trust, and faith. She described how visitors quickly sense they’re in the presence of those who will closely listen to them. Frequently, these guests will share past or current struggles and pour out their stories.

When we, as women, receive another’s story with respect and attention, we give a gift of encounter. Every woman, no matter what her vocation, career, hobbies, or personal style, is called to receive love and let her love be received as a gift. She is called to be a shelter for others’ hearts, a refuge. She is called to a rich interior life--Our Lady herself, an ultimate example of womanhood, “kept all these things” at the birth of her son, “reflecting on them in her heart.” In moments of transcendence and of the ordinary alike, as women our gifts of receptivity and interiority allow us to communicate love and attention to all we encounter.

What does encounter look like on your wedding day? It looks like letting your love speak for itself, drawing your guests to enter into the Mass. It looks like a few moments to hug or shake hands with guests during your reception meal. It looks like showing attention and care to your bridal party and families. It looks like total receptivity.

All of it points to an encounter with the one is love himself. Like Our Lady in her joy at the Visitation, let your soul “magnify the Lord.”

Not every interaction you engage in will be profound or lengthy, nor should it create a spirit of moral superiority or righteousness. Developing habits of attention and receptiveness to others, though, is an embodiment of who we are: brides, women, with a particular genius for encounter.

Consider what it is you desire to embody and reveal to others with your unique strengths. Aim to reveal the love of God: a love that is particular, unconditional, all-encompassing, abundantly merciful, and forever faithful.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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