Moving Towards Oneness

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

The journey of engagement is truly the final stretch of preparation for being made one with another. 

When so much of our early life is spent individuating and gaining autonomy by virtue of normal human development, there is a beautiful, generous, sacrificial shift that occurs as a matured adult chooses to unite herself with another. How do we understand the magnitude of this? 

I know that in my own season of engagement, I spent a great deal of time pondering this mystery: this impending transition to a state of “oneness” with another sacramentally and practically.

I recall wondering about how such a “one-fleshness” comes about in marriage. It is something so distinctly supernatural,yet, there is such a true convergence of two lives that occurs in an earthly manner as well. 

You merge households and bank accounts; you share a bed, debts, children, and responsibilities. You also unite your pathway to the Heavenly Banquet too at the feast of your own wedding. At the same time, I couldn’t ignore, the quite obvious facets of our separate natures that made this concept hard to gather: he was male and I was very much not; he was Canadian, whereas I was American; he was phlegmatic, while I took choleric to a new level; and the list could go on. In the physical sense, we were quite separate beings.

The visceral aspect of “being one” in the marital act was self-evident to me. Still, full comprehension of the spiritual significance was elusive. That is, until I read the words of St. John the Baptist in a marital lens:

He must increase; I must decrease. 

These words both stuck and challenged me. They illuminated a beautiful truth, not only about the reality of “being made one” in marriage, but a reality that parallels the communion we are called to with the Lord.

In this passage, St. John refers to Christ when he says, “He.” Since Christ is Love Himself, we could replace “He” with “love” here; Love must increase; I must decrease. 

There is a certain truth to letting love consume us so much that our ego, our “I,” diminishes to make way for the work of the Lord. In St. John’s case, he chose to humble himself to the great plan of rescue and restoration that Christ had come to fulfill. Jesus wants to do that in our marriages today. He wants to increase as we decrease. 

Marriage invites us to humble ourselves so that the spirit of division, of separateness, can melt away. Herein lies the greater plan for the union of spouses: that the oneness of a couple, fortified by the grace of the Sacrament, may be made one with God in all things. Not only are they unified with each other, they fulfill the design for marriage bringing about their union with God.

As I’ve continued to journey more and more deeply into this understanding in my own marriage, I have found prayer to be essential. It helps us conform to the godly design for our union in the living marital sacrament.

To encourage us on this path, I want to leave you with three prayers that are transforming my heart (in real time) in the hopes that they might bless you as they have me:

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Healing + Wholeness: The Fruits of Couseling in Your Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Six years ago, I was engaged, freshly graduated from college, and had moved back to my hometown - living a state away from my husband-to-be. 

We walked through marriage prep and wedding planning long distance, visiting each other on the weekends and navigating our first jobs all the while. I had begun grad school classes in the evening. Some significant and difficult experiences were happening within my family at the time. 

I felt that in many ways I was living poised for a future that wasn't quite here yet, in a whirlwind of life happening with each step forward towards my wedding day. For all its glory and all its challenges, I can look back on that time now with gratitude and tenderness and see the gift that it was and the growth that happened in its course.

A significant part of that growth came because during that year, I went to counseling for the first time. I can't remember what exactly it was that finally prompted me to Google search Christian counselors near me one night. 

I do remember, in fact, feeling unsure that I had enough that I needed to "work through" to make counseling worth it - I mean, would it be fruitful? Would it be a waste of time and money? Would the counselor laugh in my face because I didn't even really know I was there? I wasn't sure. 

Were you to have asked me at that moment, I would hardly have been able to tell you if I thought I needed any real healing. But I did know there was a lot happening, and that it might be nice to talk it through with someone. So I called, and a few weeks later went for my first counseling session.

It was, in fact, worth every penny and sacrifice of time. 

Far from laughing in my face, the counselor whose client I became was patient and tenderhearted, listening attentively and inviting me to press more deeply into the circumstances of life so I could consider how they were impacting my understanding of myself and others, even God, and how that in turn affected my thoughts and actions in relationships. 

It was a pivotal time for me to begin this exploration, because so much of our experiences in relationships have to do with how we perceive things and where our motivation lies. Uncovering, with the help of this beautiful counselor, some of the wounded areas of my heart helped me to gain perspective so as to not be ruled by them. It gave me real things to bring to Christ in my life of prayer and ask for his healing presence to transform.

She helped me untangle intrusive thoughts that did not serve to prepare me for marriage, or live in a healthy way during that time. She listened with no agenda to help me with wedding planning, give me her take on married life, or critique my decisions. She mostly listened. She offered strategies to help me with anxiety and gave me a clearer language with which to express what was happening for me emotionally. Many a conversation during a weekend visit with my fiancée was spent sharing what I had talked about in counseling. It truly blessed us both.

I share all this to say that if you have found yourself considering counseling even in the slightest way, I truly believe it will never be a waste. I can see clearly from the vantage point of where I stand in marriage now, how my experience in counseling during engagement blessed me not only in the moment but for the years to come. 

Any time you spend on the kind of healing work that often happens in the context of counseling will serve you well, and in turn will serve your beloved – who shares life with you in a most intimate way.


Some of Good Fruit of Counseling that has been invaluable in my Marriage: 

• Time and space to examine my hopes, fears, expectations

• A third/objective party to whom I could bring my experiences to gain perspective, who has no agenda besides supporting me and helping me find healthy ways to live

• Practice in self-expression and unpacking emotions – learning how to share what’s happening internally in an understandable way

• Practice challenging assumptions made about others and becoming curious in the face of my reactions

• Practical tips, solutions, and practices to bring into my lived experience • A richer vocabulary to use when sharing my experiences

• The ability to be much more patient and gentle with myself and others

Read more: Pre-marital Counseling: The Wedding Gift that Keeps on Giving.

Counseling has blessed me in innumerable ways. But those are a few that felt worth sharing because of how meaningfully they’ve integrated into my vocation and helped me in my relationship with my husband. Part of the beauty of counseling is that it is fully ordered towards healing and wholeness, just like our vocation. Marriage, at its best, helps us to heal and find restoration so that we can ultimately be prepared for the eternal relationship of heaven.

I was recently rereading the book Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jaques Philippe and was struck by some of his words, which I feel capture what I mean to say about the experience of counseling with real clarity and understanding.

"We often live with this illusion. With the impression that all would go better, we would like the things around us to change, that the circumstances would change. But this is often an error. It is not the exterior circumstances that must change; it is above all our hearts that must change. They must be purified of their withdrawal into themselves, of their sadness, of their lack of hope".

Counseling can be a great tool to bring about renewal in our hearts by way of healing in our mind. It can be such a force for good in our lives and our vocations, offering hope and peace.

If you’re looking for a counselor who shares your Catholic faith, consider searching in your area on www.catholictherapists.com/ or check out the Marriage and Family Therapists on Spoken Bride’s Vendor Guide.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Why We Should Stop Saying “Marriage is Hard”

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MARY DUFRESNE

 

As my fiancé and I near the end of our preparation for marriage, one thing that keeps ringing in my head is the often repeated phrase: “Marriage is hard.”

On too many occasions, this was the opening or closing statement from  married couples when we shared that we are engaged (or even when we were just dating).

I recognize that the intention might be good in telling this to a couple preparing for marriage, but why is it so often repeated? We do not often hear someone tell a seminarian or a woman about to enter the consecrated life “Oh wow, well just remember being a religious is hard.”

I have found the phrase to be, more often than not, a source of discouragement for young couples  rather than good counsel.

I do not suppose that any vocation is easy. Perhaps we repeat it for marriage because we worry the couple might have had too sweet a time in their period of dating or engagement.

However, I think most of us are actually very aware of the challenges that marriage and parenting will present. Society speaks many volumes to this point.

Engaged women (myself included) already occasionally experience  fear of tragedy or not having what it takes for marriage and motherhood. Constantly hearing the phrase “marriage is hard” can often draw out these fears and doubts even more.

I think we need to repeat more phrases that speak to the divine truths of this vocation like: “There are great graces to be received in the sacrament of marriage,” or “You have greater opportunities to encounter the glory of God in suffering beyond what you did before because for once—you will not be facing it alone.”

“Marriage is hard” relays that the engaged person has never encountered suffering in their life or that it is all too minuscule to count as  real suffering. Truly, there will be different kinds of suffering in marriage and parenting but  there will also be new and abundant graces through the sacrament.

Every vocation comes with its own particular sufferings and requires varying sacrifices. Suffering and joy go hand in hand while pursuing sanctity. Let us be courageous in our calling and ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen our “yes.”

When we see engaged couples, may we shout with joy and urge them to continue to seek the Lord’s will with zeal. May we speak of the joy, hope, and graces that are promised in the sacrament of matrimony.

Seeking holiness is hard. Pursuing the will of the Lord is hard. But that is the joy of it—that we cannot take any credit for the graces we are given to step into such a call. Our weaknesses might be highlighted at times, but those are the moments in which the Lord’s glory is revealed.

The Lord has prepared you for this and is continually preparing you. Have courage and know that there are graces given to you here—in this season and the next.

About the Author: Mary Dufresne completed her B.A. and M.A. in Theology at Ave Maria University and writes for Litany NYC, a Catholic ethical clothing line. Mary is looking forward to marrying her beloved this May!

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Words Become Flesh: Speaking in a Way Worthy of our Vows

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MARISOL B.

 

So many graces have been poured upon us, from the words exchanged during the Sacrament of Marriage, and we carry out their meaning in our day to day life.

From the moment the sun rises to its setting, we have the opportunity to give purpose to our daily conversations and hold them against the promises exchanged.

The question is, how intentional are we with our daily words? We might speak words of love and encouragement, or defeat and disapproval. We may speak words which build and restore, or words which crumble and discourage.

I remember a specific moment in my first year of marriage when my husband and I were having a conversation about household duties. As I was cleaning a coffee table, I was given unwelcome directives on how the task needed to be accomplished.

As my husband continued to correct my methods, I was filled with pride and resentment. I stopped the activity and went to the bedroom of our small apartment and closed the door without saying much. I probably shut the door a little louder than usual to “make my point.” I was filled with self-contempt, and as I sat by our bed, my eyes caught sight of a book I had close by.

It was Venerable Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married, and as I picked it up and opened it randomly, I was met with following words: “In history the only causes that die are those for which men refuse to die.”

I knew marriage to be a worthy cause and I realized right away that my prideful disposition needed to take a break. I decided to write a note to my husband; one that surrendered and expressed something along the lines of: "I realize our cleaning methods might defer, and I am open to learning better ways."

My pride probably had a quick reappearance and made a mental note that in reality my cleaning method was better than my husband's, and that he was being unreasonable; yet, at the same time I was humbled and determined to die to self.

I opened the bedroom door and found he had fallen asleep on the couch, so I placed the note in front of him and began working on other activities.

Once he woke up and read the note, he came running towards the room and hugged me, asking me to forgive him for being so petty. We were gifted with a moment of great humility and connection.

Related: The Art of the Apology

How many moments of similar nature are part of our daily life and how do our words (whether written or spoken) communicate goodness, truth and beauty?

I find particular strength to fulfill this call, by starting my day filled with the Word of God in Scripture; through Mass or a daily devotional. It feeds me and prompts me to remain centered in Christ and on His great love for all of us and through all of us. It helps me to speak words which bring life to others; especially my husband.

I take an honest thought inventory and examine my self-image, to ensure that I am not speaking words out of fear or insecurity. To ensure that my words come from a deep sense of love and belonging.

We hold in our own hands, a constant invitation to make love incarnate, through our thoughts, words and actions. Are we listening?

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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The Meaning of Vocation

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CARISSA PLUTA

A recording of this blog post was featured on our podcast.

 

Catholics talk a lot about vocations–about how to find it and then, how to live it. But what does it actually mean to have a vocation?

PHOTOGRAPHY: KATHLEEN STRAUB

PHOTOGRAPHY: KATHLEEN STRAUB

As a young Catholic, the word “vocation” probably conjures up images of that smiling happy couple and their gaggle of adorable (and well-dressed) children coming to mass each Sunday, or perhaps of a habited nun spending her days joyfully praying in front of the Eucharist.

Maybe the thought of it frustrates you because you’re desperately waiting for the right guy to come along, or fretting what happens if he doesn’t. 

Maybe you are worried that you’ll miss your true calling and spend the rest of your earthly life in misery. 

I remember in college spending a lot of time in the chapel panicking over what God was calling me to, and sometimes even feeling like my life could not truly start until He revealed it to me. (Maybe you can relate?)

But our vocation is not the cheese at the center of the proverbial maze, rather a path to our true destination. Finding it is not your sole purpose for existing, instead it is meant to help you understand more deeply why you are here.

Related: Am I Called to Marriage? How to Discern Your Vocation 

Pope Saint John Paul II says this about vocations:

In the hidden recesses of the human heart the grace of a vocation takes the form of a dialogue. It is a dialogue between Christ and an individual, in which a personal invitation is given. Christ calls the person by name and says: ‘Come, follow me.’ 

Vocation is a dialogue, ongoing and open; it is not the end of the story. 

God calls, and continues to call, each one of us by name to invite us into a relationship with Him. He asks us to walk with Him and to allow Him to walk with us. Our vocation is the way in which we are to follow.

Every human heart was made to know, love, and serve God and spend eternity in perfect communion with Him. 

Your vocation is a personal and particular way of responding, freely and without reserve, to the universal call to holiness given to us at Baptism. 

Read more: Kat’s Vocation Story

Simply finding your Vocation–to marriage, to religious life, or to singlehood–is not what will make you a saint. Sainthood lies in following His voice and the movements of the Spirit wherever you are along the path laid out for you.

Whether you have been married for a decade or you’re still discerning what the next step is, your vocation is to respond wholeheartedly to His outstretched hand and His call to Come, follow me.

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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The Transcendent Beauty of Ordinary Love

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

Once I heard an older acquaintance remark how she and her friends had such great plans for their lives in high school, but then they just grew up, got married, and had babies.

That won't be me, I thought. I'll get married and have babies and accomplish all my creative dreams. But life hasn't turned out exactly that way.

I got married two weeks after my college graduation. I had spent the previous semester not job hunting but working on my undergraduate thesis and wedding planning. 

After we returned from the honeymoon, I had to find a job, any job, so I took on a customer service position at an eye doctor's office. 

As I snapped pictures of people's retinas and failed dreadfully at small-talk, I thought about friends who were blazing through their masters' programs, doing mission work abroad, or beginning professions in fields they were passionate about.

It left me feeling a bit deflated--here I was, not using my English degree, not disciplined enough to pursue my dreams of writing in the evenings, and, let's face it, as a Catholic newly-wed with a blithe sense of natural family planning, likely to have a baby sooner rather than later who would then upset any individual ambitions I was harboring.

Before my five month stint in the world of healthcare was up, I was indeed pregnant. And while there was much I looked forward to in motherhood, there was an attitude I couldn't shake that between me and my due date was a countdown to the end of time I could call my own. 

As I waited for that baby to arrive, I feared that my life story, too, would be that I grew up, got married, and just had babies.

Well, I wasn't wrong about being robbed of my time. The baby made basic tasks about as easy as walking up an escalator backwards and blindfolded. 

And perhaps the life story I once feared will remain true, but motherhood transformed my perspective and made it so that I don't fear that life story.

I didn't just become a mother in some general sense, but to a particular person. Just as falling in love with a particular person, my Joe, buoyed me over any hesitation I had toward marriage, so too did this little boy with his lamb-like cries, delicate frame, and arresting gaze, my Leo, shatter my hesitations over any tedium in motherhood. 

I wasn't expecting to be stunned by the beauty of even the most menial tasks of caring for another human being. And yet those tasks frankly were menial, and getting married and having a baby is still a conventional path. 

When I became a mother, I recalled a professor of mine noting that falling in love is so extraordinary an experience precisely because it is so common--that everyone from a supermodel to the girl next door can be engulfed in that ennobling sentiment of love makes it all the more meaningful. 

And having my son filled me with a like awareness--that the mysteries of motherhood have indelibly marked the lives of so many women from time immemorial is strikingly profound.

In my individual vocation as "the queen of our castle" as my now five-year-old puts it, I go beyond myself in a symbolic way. 

Through the dress and veil I wore on my wedding day, through the rings I will wear all the days of my marriage, and through the body that has carried and nurtured my children, I, with every wife and mother that has ever lived, make visible these mysteries of life and love--mysteries that point to the ultimate mystery of God.

Yet while it is illuminating to be aware of how, through my very being, I body forth a bridal dignity, it's also haunting to be aware that all those brides and mothers throughout history that I am linked with have been largely forgotten in time. 

Their bodies--those very bodies they loved and mothered with, those bodies they quite literally carried history forward with--have turned to dust, and so too will mine.

Even this unsettling thought of being forgotten has become redeemed for me though. 

Early in my marriage, I read the novel, The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder, in which a friar, Brother Junipero, tries to discover why God would permit the sudden death of seven people in the collapse of a bridge. Neither Brother Junipero nor his author can logically answer for the ways of God. Instead the reader is left with this observation:

"We ourselves shall be loved for awhile and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning."

To do the work of love all the days of our life without the consolation of knowing that we will be remembered here on earth is something that requires courage and faith. 

To build up with your spouse what in your child's eyes is a kingdom and in the world's eyes something as ephemeral as a sandcastle is to live in hope.

 As Wilder suggests, love is the only intelligible force amidst the tragic decay of this life, and even the most ordinary acts of love give a glimpse into eternity.

I still hope to fulfill my creative ambitions. With the perspective of being five years into parenthood, I can see how my panic that children would make writing impossibly difficult was a bit dramatic--they do eventually learn how to sleep on their own and stop nursing round the clock. 

Yet, there's a peace in knowing that if I live these primary vocations as wife and mother faithfully, whether or not professional success is a part of the picture, I will have lived a life of transcendent beauty.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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What's in a Kiss

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

“Is that the first time we kissed today?” I said to my husband as we were laying down for bed one evening. 

We stared at one another in disbelief when we realized that we had waited until almost 10 o’clock at night to show this basic sign of love.

How could something so simple slip through the cracks of our day?

Like most families, our mornings are always a little hectic. We get up at different times (he’s an early-riser, and I always need a little extra sleep after waking up to feed the baby throughout the night). We have to get the toddler up, dressed, and fed. Get the dog out for a walk. 

Usually we were in the habit of kissing when Ben was on his way out the door, but when his “commute” looked more like walking upstairs to hop on a Zoom call, it became easy to overlook. 

Because if our normal daily tasks don’t get done, there is an immediate, concrete, and noticeable effect. 

But forgetting to kiss? The effects are sneakier--more long-term, and quite frankly, far more lasting. 

When you’re dating, affection, particularly through sharing a kiss, plays a major role in your relationship. It is how you greet each other and how you say goodbye. It’s how you celebrate and comfort, how you express love and your desire for the other.

But as the years go by, couples may find that affection no longer is a cornerstone of your relationship. This simple gesture makes way to deeper emotional and physical expressions of intimacy. It is quietly shuffled aside, and by the ordinary (and sometimes messy) acts of sacrifice and love.

Love isn’t a feeling, they say. And I understand why. 

Those butterflies in your stomach from your first date eventually settle down and those blissful days from your honeymoon period eventually become mundane and routine. While the vows you made can be broken by death alone. 

But affection isn’t superfluous in a marriage. It’s a necessity. 

A kiss communicates to the other: You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you. And what better way to start the day than with a simple affirmation of the promise you made at the altar? 

Ben and I now try to make the intentional choice to kiss every morning. We don’t want another day to go by where we miss opportunities to directly affirm each other and the love between us. We don’t want the other to have to wonder about where they stand, about whether or not they are delighted in.

Actions speak louder than words and a morning kiss says what both of us need to hear. 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Newlywed Life: Beyond the "Honeymoon Phase"

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EMILY JANARO

 

It has been about two months since my wedding and yet somehow, the time feels longer than the ten and a half months I was engaged. Whenever I mention to people that I’m recently married, many respond with the common cliche: “Oh, so you’re in the honeymoon phase!” 

While smiling and nodding politely, I have found myself reflecting on the implications of that phrase. What does a “honeymoon phase” actually mean, and what do people imply when they use the expression?

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA-ANNE SMID

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA-ANNE SMID

I first experienced the term when my husband John Paul and I started dating during our undergraduate semester abroad in Rome. For obvious reasons, beginning a relationship in a foreign country was a whirlwind of excitement. There were endless date possibilities, weekend travel adventures, and beautiful churches on every street corner, in which we could pray about our budding relationship. It would be impossible to count the number of cappuccinos and gelatos we consumed during those three months. 

And to top it all off, it was the very first relationship I had ever been in. I woke up at 5 AM every single morning because I was too excited to sleep. By all definitions, John Paul and I were in the “honeymoon phase” of our relationship.

Yet even then I remember the resentment when someone labeled our relationship in that way.

By being in a “phase,” did that mean it was only a matter of time before the phase would be over and we would not be “madly in love” anymore?

Were our current feelings immature and silly, prevailing only in the absence of major challenges that would test our relationship?

I didn’t think so. 

Our relationship certainly changed when the semester ended and we faced a summer apart back in the States. John Paul and I lived an hour and a half apart--a distance closer than some couples have to navigate, though a lot further than adjacent apartment buildings in Rome. We learned the delicate art of texting and FaceTime without drowning in the muddy waters of miscommunication. 

Eventually, we went back to school for our senior year; another great opportunity for quality time and deepening our relationship.Then we graduated and spent another year miles apart. He started a full time job while I lived with my parents to save money and take prerequisites for grad school.

I understand where the framework for classifying a relationship into phases comes from, because the external challenge of a long distance relationship was a drastically different experience than our carefree Rome semester. In addition, I have no problem with acknowledging the reality that the honeymoon vacation I took with my husband had an end date when we came back to the “real world” and started work and school again. 

However, when people commonly use the term “honeymoon phase,” consciously or not, they assume the stereotype that hyper-romantic feelings of love will fade into a humdrum coexistence of bills, errands, and arguments. Date nights will hinge on rearranging work schedules or finding a babysitter. The thrill of newness is expected to disappear once the couple “gets used to each other.”

While movie love stories end with a honeymoon, our real life love story is just beginning with one.

I would much rather find out what is going to happen next than relive the comparatively short story leading up to our wedding day over and over. 

Maybe as a newlywed in the “honeymoon phase” of my marriage, I am unqualified to predict that in 20 years, I will be just as in love with my husband as I am now. Maybe I’m naive; blinded by the newness of physical intimacy and constant companionship. Obviously no one can have complete certainty of what the future may bring. But to live in fear that it will all go away and lead to break up or divorce is the main attitude that I want to reject. The spark of our love for each other doesn’t have to die if we continue to nourish it and feed the flame. If we are so focused on the flame going out, we will forget to do anything to keep it alive.

We can feed that flame in countless little ways that add up over the course of our lifetime. I still feel a thrill of excitement when my husband texts me to ask how my day is going, even though I know I will see him again in a few hours. Seeing a note on the refrigerator saying “I made you coffee! Love, JP” makes me feel the same way I did when he first told me he loved me. 

The little acts of service and affection that make up a marriage don’t get monotonous with time; on the contrary, they aggregate to create a relationship that is a combination of the flirty, childlike emotions and the deeper, more mature life experiences. JP and I are “getting used to each other” in the sense that there are a lot of new aspects of marriage. However, we are constantly discovering new things about each other and appreciating one another’s small daily sacrifices.

We were supposed to go to Rome for our honeymoon before the world pandemic hit, and we were pretty upset when those plans had to change. I had envisioned ten days of bliss, in which we would revisit all of our favorite places, go back to the restaurant where we had our first date, and probably get our marriage blessed by the Pope for good measure. 

Maybe a dream honeymoon like this is what people are thinking of when they describe the honeymoon phase, or when they imagine the honeymoon that romantic comedy protagonists will take as they drive into the sunset. I’m sure people don’t imagine a road trip to Branson, Missouri--which is what we ended up doing (and it was perfect).

But if changing our plans taught us anything, it was that a love rooted in Christ defies all external circumstances.

It defies unreasonable expectations, the media’s idea of perfection, and any challenge that could possibly come our way during a lifetime of marriage. Jesus never promises that there won’t be hardships in a marriage. 

Instead, He says, “In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world” . His promise to walk with us, individually and with our spouses, through all the hardships of life, should reassure us that faithful, beautiful love is very much a reality. We have nothing to fear as a couple as long as we rely on each other and on God.

John Paul and I have a favorite country song called “Then,” by Brad Paisley, that sweetly captures this love that gets stronger with age. It describes a couple’s life from dating to engagement to parenthood and old age. At every milestone, he thinks that there is no possible way he could ever love his wife more than he does. Every subsequent time he proves his younger self wrong. He sings the refrain: “We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in/ And I'll look at you and say/ ‘And I thought I loved you then.’ ” Those little moments of appreciation and self-gift keep adding up with time, until they realize their love has continued to grow--even when they thought they were in the honeymoon phase with the greatest amount of love possible.

It’s true: my husband and I are in this “honeymoon phase” of marriage, where the ups and the downs of life are awash with the rosy glow of newness. But rather than dreading the inevitable deterioration of our love, I can’t wait for whatever arbitrary “end” to the honeymoon phase that time may bring about, because I know our love will be transformed into a dazzling sunset by the end of our lives.

About the Author:  An English major turned Physical Therapy student, Emily Janaro loves to write creatively on her breaks from studying how the human body functions. She married her best friend John Paul in August of 2020 and together they live in Virginia. They have every coffee-making appliance known to man, and enjoy hosting friends and family to share a cup of joe (or something stronger).

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5 Ways to Be Intentional in a Season of Transition

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KATHERINE FINNEY

 

Throughout the short five years I’ve been married, my husband and I have moved four times in three cities--spread across different regions of the country, he’s been through three stages of medical training and job relocation, and we’ve had two kids--with one on the way. That’s a lot of transitions.

PHOTOGRAPHY: SOUL CREATIONS PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: HORN PHOTOGRAPHY

Transitions are a normal part of relationships, but they can really wear us out and add a lot of unnecessary stress to our lives. I believe that if we approach transitions with intentionality—that is, with a sense of conviction and preparedness about how to handle transitions well—we will find a lot of grace hidden in the middle of the chaos. I’ve brainstormed a few ways to be intentional with your beloved during a major period of change:

Pray for each other. 

This seems obvious, but it’s often the thing that goes out of the window first. Wake up a little earlier (even if it’s just five or ten minutes), go to bed a little later, pray in the car out loud, whatever you have to do to make prayer a priority in this time. 

When everything else around you feels like it’s changing, there’s Someone who isn’t. Our relationship with God is the most important thing in our lives, and that doesn’t change during times of transition. Make it a priority to talk to God about the changes, and surrender the things that feel out of your control to him. Without prayer, you won’t be able to have a way to re-center; things will feel overwhelming, and temptation to despair will be very strong. You may find yourself despairing your relationship with your spouse. 

You may begin to doubt your own abilities as a capable spouse, parent, employee, etc. In order to keep these doubts and discouragements away as much as possible (because they’ll come no matter what sometimes), we need God to show us who he is and to show us who we are in his eyes. This comes through daily intentional prayer.

Be patient with your spouse. 

Look for ways he/she is still the person you fell in love with, no matter how much time has passed. Maybe you fell in love with your spouse’s ability to hold a captive audience in a group of people. Maybe you fell in love with his/her love of dancing or reading or fine art. Perhaps your spouse makes you laugh the most of anyone you know. Look for the ways your spouse still possesses these qualities and remind yourself that this person is still the person you fell in love with. 

It may feel like everything else around you is changing, including yourself and your spouse, but reminding yourself of who your spouse really is to you will help you stay united in the midst of the changes.

Try harder than before to speak your spouse’s love language. 

Leave notes for him/her if it’s words of affirmation. If it’s physical touch, give him/her a big hug after a long day of work. If your spouse really needs acts of service, look for ways to help that you know he/she would appreciate. Sometimes stepping outside of our own worries and anxieties to serve others really puts things into a positive perspective for us and helps us to stay less focused on ourselves and our own sorrows and more on what really matters.

Pick up some of the slack around the house (if you are physically able). 

There will be seasons when you are the one in need of help around the house; if that’s the season you’re in, embrace it. If, however, your spouse is the one primarily going through the changes, voluntarily pick up the slack around the house before it becomes a point of contention for you both. 

Sometimes I find myself waiting for my spouse to change a diaper or do the dishes, and I end up resenting him when he’s too busy to do it. Often I need to change my perspective and notice the things he is already doing to help. More often, I have an opportunity to be merciful and steadfast in my duties. If I can do this voluntarily and preemptively before resentment starts to grow in my heart, I find a lot of grace to do things I otherwise would deem too difficult.

Get your spouse (and maybe even yourself) a treat. 

My husband loves when I make him a homemade cocktail. That’s easy enough as long as we have the ingredients. Maybe some flowers or a thrifted book would be a good way to show your spouse you’re thinking of him/her and enduring this time of transition together. Brainstorming ideas for this can be fun too!

Overall, times of transition are often just really difficult. Sometimes we’ll feel like we have a good grip on what’s going on, and other times we’ll just need to ride the chaos until we feel settled again. Don’t forget to pray, and everything else will take care of itself.

About the Author: Katherine (Schluter) Finney is proudly from New Orleans, Louisiana, currently living in Nashville, Tennessee while her husband Jonathan finishes fellowship training. She and Jonathan have two daughters, Miriam (3) and Joan (18 months). Kat taught high school religion for four years and has worked for Catholic high schools for six years. She currently stays at home with her two daughters, and she spends most of her time styling hamster play-doh hair and cooking some kind of creole dish for dinner.

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Spiritual Tune-ups for Couples

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

Those of you who have musical abilities will know how important it is to have your instrument tuned periodically in order for the sound to remain melodious.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

If we put that much care and effort into maintaining our piano or guitar, how much more time and energy should we invest in maintaining the spiritual health of our marriages?

We don’t want to wait until we hit a season of difficulty or desolation in our relationship before taking the steps necessary to evaluate and meet our spiritual needs. 

Taking time with your spouse for a “spiritual tune-up” can benefit both married and engaged couples and can strengthen your relationship for the long-term. 

Talk about your spiritual life

This first one may seem obvious, but it may surprise you how easy it is forgotten. 

You can share what God has been saying to you in prayer, or ask your spouse questions about his prayer life. This can lead to deeply edifying discussions and makes for interesting dinner or date night conversations!

Talking about your prayer life is helpful for couples to better understand the spiritual needs of each individual and the marriage as a whole. It also helps foster a deeper emotional intimacy between you and your husband. 

Related: Questions to Foster Emotional Intimacy

Head to Confession

As a sacrament of healing, Confession grants the faithful necessary graces for avoiding sin and growing in holiness, which is why going to confession at least once a year is considered a tenant of our faith. But why wait? This grace is available to you as often as you want to take advantage of it. 

My husband and I try to go to confession together once a month. We usually do it on a Saturday and make a little date out of it by grabbing coffee and donuts afterwards. 

Going to confession with your spouse can be a great way of being more intentional with maintaining the spiritual health of your marriage. 

Incorporating an daily examen into your routine will also help you become more aware of the spiritual realities constantly at work in your life, while better preparing you for your next trip to the confessional!

Go on a Retreat

For many couples, the Engaged Encounter Weekend is the first and last retreat you and your husband go on together but it doesn’t have to be.

Devoting a day, or even a whole week to spending time in prayer can leave you feeling spiritually refreshed and renewed, and can help you dive back into your daily tasks with a greater fervor and love. 

While you could choose to go on separate retreat weekends or plan your own personal one, you may also consider attending a retreat designed specifically for couples. 

Read a spiritually enriching book

Reading books from great theologians, philosophers, and (current or future) saints can greatly benefit those striving for holiness and a relationship with Christ. And luckily, the Church offers us a treasure trove of spiritual classics from which to learn. 

Reading a spiritually-enriching book can help build up the intellectual foundation of your faith, while also giving you practical tips to apply these topics in your life and marriage. It can also offer encouragement in your vocation and journey toward heaven.

You and your spouse might choose to spend time reading the book together during the week, or read it on your own time and then discuss the major takeaways. 

Related: Check out some of our reading recommendations for couples. 

Consider Counseling

Counseling isn’t just for individuals and marriages that are actively facing a major problem. In fact, most experts would say that couples should seek therapy long before they think they need to. 

Counseling provides couples with tools and techniques to help them improve communication, conflict resolution, physical and emotional intimacy, and more--all of which can greatly impact the spiritual health of your relationship. 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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The Parallel Paths to Holiness in Religious Life and Marriage

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MAGGIE STRICKLAND

 

On the surface, In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden is about life in a contemplative Benedictine monastery in England. But at its heart, this novel is about the deep joy and peace that come from a vocation well-lived. 

The fictional community is inspired by the author’s experience participating in the daily life of the nuns at Stanbrook Abbey, and the characters in the novel are just as life-like. The beautiful depiction of religious life doesn’t make me regret not becoming a nun, but rather affirms the many ways I strive for holiness in my vocation to marriage. 

Godden takes the personal stories of a few nuns--Philippa Talbot, a wealthy middle-aged civil servant, Cecily Scallon, a young woman who has fought her family to enter the community, and Dame Catherine Ismay, who is elected abbess early in the novel--and interweaves them with the story of the greater community. Their lives are set against the backdrop of the Church immediately before and during the Second Vatican Council (1962-5). The Benedictines have a vow of stability, but that does not mean there are no changes, and Godden’s lyrical prose draws the reader into the world of Brede Abbey as its 96 nuns navigate interpersonal and financial challenges within the “great cycle of the liturgical year with its different words and colors” (105).

The nuns of Brede Abbey are not caricatures or stock characters; their struggles are incredibly real, as is their faith. 

When Dame Catherine is elected abbess--a lifelong office--she panics, thinking of what will now be required of her; her only thought is “I can’t.” She goes to the church to draw strength from Jesus in the tabernacle, and “it was as if a quieting hand was laid on her panic; with her eyes on the small flame that had never gone out since the community came to Brede, she whispered, ‘I can’t,’ but it was acceptance now. ‘I can’t,’ whispered Dame Catherine, ‘so You must’” (165). 

Though few of us married women are able to have the Blessed Sacrament so close by, this episode is a reminder that communication with and abandonment to God ought to be our first recourse in the times of suffering and trial. What a beautiful response to a seemingly unbearable burden: she recognizes her inability to lead alone and asks for God’s help, which comes in many ways, both big and small.

Holiness for the nuns of Brede is found in doing their daily work in addition to spending time in prayer. The Rule of St. Benedict calls for monasteries to be self-sustaining, so there are many tasks, mostly mundane, that must be done for the community to function well, and every nun must attend to her assigned work with diligence: “‘We don’t put much faith in ecstasies here,’ Dame Ursula had told [the postulants]. ‘The nun you see rapt away in church isn’t likely to be the holiest. The holiest one is probably the one you would never notice, because she is simply doing her duty’” (55). 

Married life works in a similar way; a quote often attributed to St. Frances of Rome says, “A married woman must, when called upon, quit her devotions to God at the altar to find him in her household affairs.” Every time I do a sink full of dishes or my husband takes out the trash, despite whether either of us actually wants to do the work, we have an opportunity to grow in sanctity by serving each other and carrying out the duties of married life. The moments we are interrupted from pleasure to fulfill our vocational duty are opportunities to develop virtue.

These duties often change according to the season of life we’re in; newlyweds have different responsibilities than parents, for example. In addition, the transition from one season to the next can be difficult. 

Families thrive when individuals find creative ways to use their personal talents to benefit the entire family.

The same is true in religious communities: with the exception of abbess, the responsibilities of the nuns change periodically and all of the nuns are asked to use their gifts for the good of the community, even if it is uncomfortable. In Brede, Dame Philippa is asked to become assistant novice mistress after some Japanese postulants enter the community because she learned the language before entering the monastery; she takes on this position even though it means interacting with another postulant who is a painful reminder of a tragedy in her past. 

Throughout the novel, Godden comes back to the idea that true, lasting peace comes from living out the vocation that God offers us. But she understands that just because we are called to a particular vocation--marriage for most of us--we will not always be ecstatically happy as the world understands it. The novel begins with a description of the abbey’s motto that perfectly encapsulates this understanding: “The motto was ‘Pax,’ but the word was set in a circle of thorns. Pax: peace, but what a strange peace, made of unremitting toil and effort, seldom with a seen result; subject to constant interruptions, unexpected demands, short sleep at nights, little comfort, sometimes scant food; beset with disappointments and usually misunderstood; yet peace all the same, undeviating, filled with joy and gratitude and love. ‘It is my own peace I give unto you.’ Not, notice, the world’s peace” (3). 

No vocation comes free of suffering, but if we are where God calls us to be, doing our best to carry the crosses along the way, we too will know God’s peace.

About the Author: Maggie Strickland has loved reading and writing stories since her earliest memory. An English teacher by training and an avid reader by avocation, she now spends her days homemaking, chasing her toddler son, and reading during naptime. She and her husband are originally from the Carolinas, but now make their home in Birmingham, Alabama.

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Newlywed Life | Processing Frustrations in Light of the Big Picture

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THERESA NAMENYE

 

Sometimes, as much as we try not to, we get caught up in seeing all of the annoying parts of life. This frustration can be especially magnified in a marriage. Especially in a new season of marriage when spouses are adjusting to a new way of life together.

It’s easy to see the dishes piled up in the sink after a long day of work. After dealing with thirty fourth graders all day, the last thing I want to think about is coming home to clean bowls with old pancake batter. If I get hyper focused on that pancake bowl, my thoughts can quickly turn to, “I can’t believe he had the nerve to leave that there for me. I worked hard all day long and now he expects me to wash his dishes?”

Conversely, it’s easy for him to get frustrated when I scroll through my phone in the evening, not cuddling on the couch. “She’s been away from me all day and she doesn’t want to be around me now that we’re home.”

In these annoying, trying, and unpleasant circumstances, it’s so important to rise above our own thought patterns and shift our perspective. 

The bowl of pancake batter wasn’t rinsed immediately because a baby was crying and needed to be changed. Then an errand had to be run and thing after thing took over the afternoon and the watery pancake batter was forgotten. It’s okay. The kids are well fed and they were loved today. It’s fine that the bowl still sits in the sink. It’s not an attack against me. It does not mean my husband is lazy. It means that other important things came up, and cleaning up immediately after meals is still a growing habit. He’s getting there.

I’m on my phone, reading an article about how toddlerhood is difficult. I’ve been up all night nursing a teething baby, I pumped twice at work, I graded ninety assignments, and I haven’t sat down to eat my lunch. I came home to a sink full of unwashed pancake dishes that reminded me that my day of work is far from over. I need fifteen minutes to merely exist in my comfortable chair and unwind as I relate to moms who are in the trenches alongside me in this vocation. It’s okay. Not cuddling my spouse is not a sly message that I don’t want to be close to him. I am working on being more available for cuddles and hugs with my husband throughout the demands of life. 

But recognizing and understanding all of these unseen facets of life--things like dishes and distractions--takes work. It takes love. It takes communication. Seeing issues from another’s perspective and in light of the big picture takes constant practice.

It is a skill to see an unpleasant reality, feel waves of frustration, and mentally transcend them in the heat of the moment.

“Yes, this is aggravating to my inner soul. No, this is not the end of the world. Yes, I am sure there is an explanation. Yes, I will communicate this later when we are both receptive and open to feedback.”

I’m not saying it’s a good idea to bury these annoyances or to continuously conjure up excuses for things that breed frustration. Far from it. I believe that ten times out of ten, sharing how we feel in a way that is loving, calm, and compassionate is better than spouting off frustrations in the throes of a mental picture that the other person is so wildly inconsiderate.

Instead, let us try to offer gratitude in those moments and practice being grateful for the thousands of unseen ways our spouse does love us.

It’s actually very nice that my husband takes out the trash, puts gas into the cars, and takes care of paying bills every month. When was the last time I genuinely thanked him for these things?

It’s actually quite awesome that my wife works hard for our family, folds all of the laundry without complaining, nurtures the children day in and day out, and changes the pillowcases. When was the last time she was thanked for these mundane, ordinary things done out of love?

The next time you feel anger swelling up inside of you against your spouse for doing something annoying, maybe find a way to speak some thankfulness for what they have done right. Not only will you love them better, you will simultaneously feed your soul with the skill to notice the good above the bad. 

You begin to create a culture within your home where the constructive criticism is tempered with the love and appreciation that a simple life deserves.

About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.

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The Deep Roots of Marital Communication--And Why They Matter

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THERESA NAMENYE

 

Of all the advice people give to an engaged or newly married couple, communication seems to be the one phrase that sticks out. I remember hearing that communication is always a hot button issue—the one thing all married couples must conquer in order to attain peace. 

Because my entire engagement was long distance, and we worked opposite schedules and communicating via texting most of the time, I felt pretty confident about our communication as we approached our wedding day. How hard could this possibly be? I thought. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Then, after our wedding, we moved in together.

Suddenly, all of the beautifully crafted messages that so eloquently expressed my feelings were not very much help. Looking back, I could not point out exactly where and why our communication started to unravel. It was all the small things, of course: but the small things are what make up daily life. Life quickly became an aggravating battle ground for nearly every topic that crossed our path.

The clothes on the floor? The dinner in the oven? The tone of my voice? The implication of that word? The specific verbiage chosen? Everything seemed to be interlaced with unspoken expectations, long-standing familial foundations, and principles singled out as the most important by our different personalities, inherent to who we are from the time we could walk and talk. 

I didn’t realize the simple act of communication is not just an exchange of words; rather, the act of communication is an experience of two inexplicably complex souls attempting to convey meaning to one another. And that is hard. 

Communication in the abstract is wildly easier than long talks, tears, and a stream of frustration spinning like a thousand hamster wheels in my head. 

Epictetus writes, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” I would add that with two people in a marriage, one’s wellspring of experience is tempered by the presence of another throughout the journey of life, wholly together.

What I’ve learned in my five years of marriage is this: every action and every thought that surges through our intellect is an intricate combination of our entire life’s experience. Assumptions, priorities, wounds: these are all embedded in our communication whether we realize it or not. 

The more carefully and thoughtfully we start to unpack these layers in ourselves, the more we come to understand, essentially, who we are. And this is the key starting point in any relationship—marriage or otherwise. It takes a lifetime to fully understand oneself or to even come close to it, and trying to simultaneously know one’s spouse on an intimate level is no small task.

It may seem like a common task to truly understand another person, because so many of us are married and in communication with a spouse every day.

Let me assure you, successful communication in a marriage is no small feat.

At times, it is like taming the wild dragon deep within yourself and extending mercy in places where it could not be more undeserved. It is taking the time, laboriously, to unpack misunderstandings. Other times, it is biting one’s tongue (figuratively or literally) in the hopes of cooling tempers and returning to civility before continuing on. 

At the end of the day, communication shows us what it means to live with a possession of humility. Know thyself, the philosophers write. Doing that takes humility. Why am I the way that I am?

And knowing someone else too? I think it takes double the humility. You are attempting to know, deeply and truly, the beautifully perplexing universe of the mind and heart of another.

About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.

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Living in the Joy the Resurrection

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

These words spoken by Pope Saint John Paul II stand as a reminder that even though Easter Sunday has passed, we as Catholics are called to live in the Resurrection of Christ throughout our lives. 

But what does it actually mean to be an “Easter people?” How can we embody this spirit of joy that permeates this liturgical season and practically make it part of our lives and marriages?

Participate in the Liturgy

First and foremost, the best way to enter into the joy of the resurrection is by attending mass with your spouse. When we participate in Liturgy of the Word and the Liturgy of the Eucharist, we celebrate and enter into the Paschal Mystery. 

I know we are currently in a season where the suspension of public Mass has been deemed a necessity but even when we aren’t faced with a global pandemic, attending daily Mass isn’t always possible for many couples. 

However, the Liturgy of the Hours, or the Divine Office, is an accessible form of prayer that extends the Liturgy of the Mass throughout the day and allows the Paschal Mystery to permeate our ordinary lives.

The Divine Office consists of five “hours”: the Office of Readings, Morning Prayer, Daytime Prayer, Evening Prayer, and Night Prayer. Consider adding one (or more) of these hours into your daily prayer routine with your spouse as a reminder of the mercy and faithfulness of the Lord. 

Keep the Sabbath Holy

Every Sunday, the Church celebrates the Feast of the Resurrection. The unique Easter celebration that we just celebrated is reflected in the sacred events of the Christian Sabbath. 

It’s a little Easter, so treat it as such! Pray in a unique way with your spouse. Enjoy a feast of good foods and treats. Take time to rest and enjoy quality time with your partner.

Every Sunday, my husband and I enjoy a delicious breakfast of baked Brie and toasted, homemade bread--foods we reserve solely for the Sabbath. Indulging in special foods helps us set the day apart from other days of the week, allowing us to enter more fully into the joy of the resurrection.  

Related: How to Plan and Enjoy the Sabbath as a Couple

Live as a Missionary Disciple

As Catholics, we share a universal call to “make disciples of all nations.” By virtue of our Baptism, we are all missionary disciples and we have a duty to live out that call through evangelization. 

If we know the Good News, if we truly believe that Jesus suffered, died, and rose again for our salvation, we should desire for others to know Him too. Our joy is meant to be shared. 

You don’t have to shout your faith on a street corner or become a full-time missionary to do this. 

Be intentional about investing in your friendships and community, invite others to join you in prayer, or share your testimony with a stranger. Witness to your faith with your life and with your marriage. 

Don’t be afraid to boldly live out your faith and proclaim it to others. 

Related: Evangelizing as a Family

Embrace sacrifice 

Living as an Easter people does not mean we pretend that life is all rainbows and butterflies. Our joy should not be a shallow one. 

We must recognize and even face darkness, sin, poverty, pain, and suffering, but live in the light of the Paschal Mystery. We must remember that Jesus conquered sin and death once and for all through his Passion. 

In order to fully rejoice in the Resurrection, we must learn to rejoice in the Cross. 

Find ways as individuals and as a couple to embrace the spirit of joyful sacrifice, specifically in your marriage. 

A friend of mine recently gifted me sacrifice beads that I can carry with me throughout my day to help me build up a habit of offering prayers and sacrifices for others, and particularly, for my husband and children. 

Embracing sacrifice daily helps ready our hearts to fully embrace and live out the joy of the resurrection.

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Setting Priorities Straight: A Responsibility of Marriage

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STEPHANIE FRIES

 

Through the sacrament of marriage, each spouse is empowered with grace and commissioned to love beyond comfort.  

Husbands and wives not only receive the gift of marriage, but also the responsibility of marriage. A responsibility to uphold your spouse, and your marriage, as the top priority in your life.  

In so many facets of our lives, we are pressured to believe that everything should be ‘the most important thing.’ In the workforce, we work long hours and bring work home—literally or emotionally. In the social setting, we overcommit our schedule and strive to keep up with the latest trends. Even at church, we can be pulled in many directions. 

A vocation to marriage helps us simplify our priorities by defining the most important things: God, spouse, children, and everything else. In that order.  

We are filled by the love of God in order to pour love into the lives of others. I’ve heard of an image of an overflowing glass to help visualize this truth. 

Imagine yourself as an empty glass. You receive the love of God which fills you to the brim. But God’s love, mercy and grace is infinite; so as you continue to receive the love of God beyond your fill, the overflowing contents spill from your capacity to others’ lives. Through our vocation, we are called to pour into our spouses first—and always. 

The beautiful and serious thing about this responsibility is that no one can do it for you and no one can do it as well as you. 

God has journeyed alongside you into this vocation. From the single years, through dating and engagement, and beyond the exchange of vows, he has been by your side. When a heart is receptive to his grace, God provides the strength and wisdom to make sacrifices for love. 

Satan is attacking marriages and families; Saint John Paul II says, “as the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” We are berated by the devil’s temptation to choose anything over God and family, because the conditions of our world mirror the conditions in our families.  

Because the threat of temptation is so real, the call to prioritize your marriage is even more important. You are called to love God, love yourself, and love your spouse in good times and in bad. You have vowed to say “yes” to love in sickness and in health. You are empowered to be the best version of yourself and bring out the best of your spouse all the days of your lives. 

Choosing your spouse and making them a priority is oftentimes a sacrifice. And choosing your spouse each day is a gift, an act of faith and love. 

About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband and daughter (Geoff and Abby), a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal…with dessert. Read more

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How to Use Personality Inventories in Your Marriage

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

When my husband and I were engaged we both accidentally found ourselves at a Myers-Briggs personality assessment class hosted by Career Services on our campus.

We both were required to attend for different reasons, and were surprised when we walked out of the class with a better understanding of our future spouse. 

Assessments like the MBTI, the Four Temperments, and the Five Love Languages are used to give people insights into their personalities and to help foster self-reflection.

While it’s true that these assessments such cannot paint a full picture of an individual (nor do I think they should be used to define compatibility), they can provide useful information that can help you better understand yourself and your spouse. 

Related: The Limits of Pre-Marital Inventories

Highlight Strengths (and weaknesses)

Individuals can use personality assessments to gain a better understanding about who they are as a person and can help individuals recognize their strengths and weaknesses and gain insight into how that may affect their relationship with their fiancé or husband.

For example, according to the four temperaments, I am a Melancholic. This means while I am a thoughtful, reflective person, I also may have a difficult time with offering forgiveness to people who have hurt me. Learning about my temperament has made me more aware of my problem-areas and have personally helped me better deal with them. 

Again, tests like this can be affected by a person’s upbringing and lifestyle, so it is not an all-encompassing glimpse into an individual; however, it can increase self-awareness which is important for a successful marriage. 

Foster Understanding

Ben and I learned that our Myers-Briggs types were similar in many ways but we noticed many of our miscommunications and arguments stemmed from our differences. 

Learning about how the other processes emotions, and how they perceive and interact with the world around them allowed us to “step into the other’s shoes.” It gave us a better awareness about how they might view and react to a situation, and in doing so, helped us approach them with more understanding and compassion. 

 Understanding the differences in the individuals’ personalities can help alleviate animosity and criticism within a marriage. 

Keeping these differences in mind when approaching a difficult situation can help couples navigate challenges with more patience and empathy. 

Grow in Love

Personality assessments can also help give you a more clear idea of what would make your spouse feel the most seen and loved, and can give you the tools you need to love them well. 

For example, knowing your spouse’s love languages can help you to show affection in that specific way more often. Or perhaps you might choose to intentionally nurture a structured home environment knowing that your husband thrives in order. 

Personality assessments can ultimately give you a deeper appreciation for the uniqueness of each person, including your spouse and your children and can ultimately help you see this uniqueness as a gift from God. 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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From the Groom | Even Through Imperfection, Peace Conquers All.

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BENJAMIN TURLAND

 

It was May 2nd, the day we would become one flesh in the sacrament of holy matrimony. We had been waiting for this day for over 15 months.

I think I am not much different than most people, where I dream what the wedding day will look like and think, "my wedding day is going to be perfect, no problems. It will be the best day ever!" We don't always say it out loud, but we think it, right? I expected all our problems would go away and life would be serene for the days surrounding our wedding.

Though it was the best day ever, I had to let go of these expectations—in reality, life did not stop happening for our wedding day. The week before the wedding, I was shaken by an uncontrollable event. The immense stress left me sick in the days leading up to our big day. We still had a lot to do and I was running around from here to there, picking up people from the airport, making and changing plans every day. My wife had an allergic reaction to a facial, and she broke out (which never happens). 

Rather than processing the stress, I pulled away from my groomsman, I didn’t talk to anyone, and I found it difficult to calm myself and focus in the hours before our wedding day. 

Then came the wedding day. I was still super nervous, stressed and sick. My groomsman could see it: I was the stressed-out groom. 

My groomsman came over to me, chose me, and prayed over me. Even though I had pulled away from them earlier in the week, they said “yes” to love and the Holy Spirit gave me peace through their presence. I realized the situations leading up to my wedding had been imperfect, but I could not let them ruin my peace. 

Between the once-in-a-lifetime wedding day and being surrounded by all my best friends, I chose to be present. I knew I could not change the past, but I could decide how much the past events were going to control me.

Through the Holy Spirit, it became easier to choose the moment. The prayer ended and I walked down the aisle. Here I was, before my God. Then came the bridesmaids, the flower girl, and finally Megan, my soon-to-be-wife. The person I had journeyed with to be here, through ups and downs. 

With Megan, I have never had someone who has brought me so much joy, laughter and love. But I have also never experienced hurt, distraction, frustration or anger with anyone like I have with her. This is love: it's not always perfect, but she is my best friend. Our relationship was not perfect, and no relationship is. I choose her in the imperfections. 

The Mass was everything I wanted. Becoming one—before God and friends—was the best experience. Our wedding day flew by and I still get sick and stress still creeps in. I have learned that marriage is just like my wedding day. 

Sometimes I idolize marriage and think that because I am married, life or the relationship will be perfect. This is hardly the case; marriage is another step in the journey towards heaven, towards intimacy with  God, towards sanctification. Marriage is the start, not the finish. This is the vocation that will get me to heaven. Megan will help get me to heaven. What is beautiful is that we are a sacrament. We offer grace to each other every day.

On that day, and every day in my marriage, I have to choose to love myself in my imperfections, while realizing I am on a lifelong journey and will never be perfect. I also have to choose to love and have mercy on Megan in her imperfections and support her on the journey she is on. 

Life is full of imperfections, but I try my best to not let those imperfections control me.

In marriage, you learn things about yourself you didn't even know existed; however, your spouse and the grace of the sacrament bring more joy than we can imagine. The experiences of marriage also bring extremes of every other emotion in the book. 

Even though the problems will not go away, I have someone who I know will battle with me till death do us part. Despite the stress and changes in expectations, I look back at pictures and truly see my wedding as the best day of my life.

About the Author: Benjamin joined the Catholic Church at age 17. Originally from a small mountain town, In British Columbia, he is now a full-time Catholic missionary with Catholic Christian Outreach and lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Benjamin loves sharing his faith, snowboarding, drinking coffee and traveling.

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A Love That Never Fails

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

You’ve probably heard this passage from Saint Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians at countless wedding ceremonies, or seen it written on numerous Valentine’s Day cards and on rustic-looking pallets in every craft store you’ve ever entered. 

I mean, I totally get it. Patient, kind, trusting, hopeful--who doesn’t want their love described like that?

But for me, it’s easy to let these pretty words just sit decoratively on a page or a canvas but much more difficult to actually have a love that never fails. 

The first Valentine’s Day I spent with my now husband was a memorable one, and one he would still (surprisingly) describe as the best yet. 

We were still in college and since it was my first Valentine’s Day in a romantic relationship, I was determined to make it special. 

However, when I woke up that morning with a sore throat (that turned into chills and a fever by the evening), we abandoned our previous plans, and opted for a quiet night of movie-watching in my apartment. 

Then, to my absolute horror, just as we were saying goodbye, I turned and got sick right in the middle of my tiny kitchen. Ben helped me up to bed and then cleaned up the mess I had left behind. 

Many of us, myself included, sometimes cling too tightly to the nice feelings associated with love. We want romance--candlelit dinners, dancing under the stars; we don’t often find ourselves yearning for the messiness of everyday life. 

The sentimentality that often accompanies this holiday in particular certainly has a place in relationships; feeling loved is a beautiful gift, romance is meant to be enjoyed. 

But this memory of my first Valentine’s Day with Ben is what I think of when I hear the definition of love given to us by Paul.

St. Paul describes love as an act of the will. Love demands that we make the choice time and time again to practice patience, kindness, or selflessness, especially when it is difficult. 

It often looks less like long walks on the beach and more like Christ on the cross, laying down our life to serve another. 

This makes the Christian understanding of love stand in stark contrast to the idea presented to us by the media and the culture. Love, we are told, is something you can fall in and out of as the winds change and it shouldn’t cost over whole selves. 

But love must be tested and found worthy before it can be said to be one that never fails. 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Allow Perfect Love to Drive out Fear.

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STEPHANIE FRIES

 

I remember the the insecurities of my heart as a single woman: intimidated by the inherent beauty of womanhood, afraid of being taken advantage of, unaware of the love God shares with the human heart. 

We are affirmed through Scripture that “perfect love drives out fear.” No matter the wounds we bring into relationships, God desires that all of his children experience love with both purity and passion. 

When I started dating the man I would eventually marry, I feared an encounter of passion without purity. Is he just looking at me or does he really see me? Is this a safe relationship to be vulnerable or will I be taken advantage of when I let my guard down?  

I erred on the side of self-protection. With no vulnerability, physical or emotional, there was no opportunity to be the object of someone else’s physical or emotional lust. In short, I was so afraid of being used that I was unable to receive—let alone offer—an honest act of love. 

My then-boyfriend was frustrated yet courageous as he remained patient, honest, and steadfast. And as he pursued me, I felt an increasing desire to pursue Christ. 

Christ instills confidence; through adoration, spiritual reading, and daily Mass, my heart began to soften at opportunities to share my heart with others—despite the potential risks. The ongoing encounters with pure love from a human man and perfect love from God the Father was a catalyst for my heart to more-fully reveal itself. 

When our hearts are exposed, our souls are vulnerable yet free. Free to establish and fulfill a steady identity in God. Free to love and be loved. Free to live abundantly in the spirit. Free to be fruitful in the vocations and Vocation of our lives. 

We don’t have to anxiously wait for a pure and perfect love to find us. God offers each of us his most Sacred Heart, on fire with love and purity, in our day-to-day lives; most powerfully through the Eucharist. He is waiting to tear down the walls we build out of hopeless fear. And as his perfect love drives out fear, we begin to experience life in new ways. 

For some, the freedom found in Christ may grow in tandem with a romantic relationship. But this is not the only freedom offered through God who is love! As fear fades, a life of adventure, joy, hope, and love comes into stronger clarity. When a heart is set free, everything changes.

About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband and daughter (Geoff and Abby), a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal…with dessert. Read more

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When the Ring No Longer Fits

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

I haven’t worn my engagement ring in over two years.

PHOTOGRAPHY: FIAT PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: FIAT PHOTOGRAPHY

My fingers swelled during my first pregnancy and the already snug band became nearly impossible to slip on and off. 

Now in the midst of a second pregnancy, my wedding band has begun to feel a little tight as well, so it often remains on my dresser with the other one. 

My rings, these sacred signs of the love between my husband and I, of the vows we took, just don’t fit the same way they once did. 

When we were newly engaged, the ring that adorned my left hand was constantly being shown off to friends and family. It was pristine, unscratched; not yet tarnished by the wear and tear of daily life. 

During the wedding, a second ring was added, even more beautiful than the first. It carried with it a new weight as I promised to love my husband until death do us part. 

For the first several months, putting on my rings each morning was almost ceremonial. Never having been a jewelry-wearer, it took awhile for my hand to adjust to the feelings of newness that accompanied it.

But over time, the rings went on more out of habit, the feeling they had brought with them less noticeable.

Similarly, the love we have for our spouse won’t “fit” the same way it did when you were first falling in love, when you could almost taste the excitement and sentimentality of young love. 

The honeymoon phase wears off. Life with your spouse becomes routine and mundanity rules most days. 

The glamor of a fresh love becomes awash in sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and toddlers demanding a snack.

Then there are seasons when the difficulties and sorrows of a fallen world sometimes hit a little too hard. When you can only just see the familiar face of your spouse over the cross placed across your shoulders. 

Your ring won’t fit the same way forever, nor was it meant to. 

As you and your spouse grow through the years, the love between you is no longer shiny, new, and pristine but is rather tested and refined with a purifying fire. 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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