What is a Culture of Encounter? Creating One on Your Wedding Day + Beyond

STEPHANIE CALIS

What can 21st century brides learn from a priest and sister who lived one hundred years ago?

Encounter is a gift women uniquely are able to give.

Photography: Laura Gordon Photography, seen in Elizabeth + Matthew | Ethereal Irish Castle Wedding

Blessed James Alberione and Venerable Mother Thecla Merlo, two founding members of the Daughters of Saint Paul, recognized the mediums of film, music, radio, and literature as goods that can share with the world what is true, good, and beautiful. Against the odds of transatlantic travel, the Great Depression, limited resources, and fear, Father Alberione and Mother Thecla’s conviction in the Father’s call ultimately led to the establishment and development of a thriving, faithful order of sisters.

The Daughters of Saint Paul travel the U.S. and worldwide using media to evangelize, and have hubs in several cities across the country. In these cities, the order’s materials and publications are sold in stores known as Books & Media Centers.

On a recent visit to the sisters’ Provincial House in Boston, I was struck by one of Father Alberione’s thoughts on his mission and took a picture of a plaque expressing them: the order’s book centers, he said, “are not places of business, but centers of light and warmth in Jesus Christ. The book center is not like any other book store. It is a ‘church’ where the Word of God is distributed...it is sacred...Light, holiness, and joy are the goals sought. The counter is a pulpit.”

The counter is a pulpit. This idea echoed a deep desire I feel to help those I encounter throughout the day--however briefly or extensively--to feel seen and heard.

Making meaningful eye contact with someone, conveying sincere interest in him or her even in the answer to the simple question how are you?, wishing them a good day; all these actions reveal a Christ-like love and tap into something essential: the human heart’s longing to be known.

In the nature of femininity and womanhood, I see a particular ability to help others (even including strangers) feel valued and known. To create a culture of encounter--one that seeks to acknowledge and respect another’s dignity, to push past surface-level interaction, to look up from our phones. The word encounter conveys a true seeing and a dissolving of walls. That’s a dynamic--a culture--I want to help create.

Saint Edith Stein wrote, “the destiny of every woman is to be bride and mother.” Your personal pulpit might not be a store counter, but in the workplace, in your family, on your wedding day.

The sister hosting my visit described how the order’s centers are true their name. Genuinely, she said, they are centers of conversation, trust, and faith. She described how visitors quickly sense they’re in the presence of those who will closely listen to them. Frequently, these guests will share past or current struggles and pour out their stories.

When we, as women, receive another’s story with respect and attention, we give a gift of encounter. Every woman, no matter what her vocation, career, hobbies, or personal style, is called to receive love and let her love be received as a gift. She is called to be a shelter for others’ hearts, a refuge. She is called to a rich interior life--Our Lady herself, an ultimate example of womanhood, “kept all these things” at the birth of her son, “reflecting on them in her heart.” In moments of transcendence and of the ordinary alike, as women our gifts of receptivity and interiority allow us to communicate love and attention to all we encounter.

What does encounter look like on your wedding day? It looks like letting your love speak for itself, drawing your guests to enter into the Mass. It looks like a few moments to hug or shake hands with guests during your reception meal. It looks like showing attention and care to your bridal party and families. It looks like total receptivity.

All of it points to an encounter with the one is love himself. Like Our Lady in her joy at the Visitation, let your soul “magnify the Lord.”

Not every interaction you engage in will be profound or lengthy, nor should it create a spirit of moral superiority or righteousness. Developing habits of attention and receptiveness to others, though, is an embodiment of who we are: brides, women, with a particular genius for encounter.

Consider what it is you desire to embody and reveal to others with your unique strengths. Aim to reveal the love of God: a love that is particular, unconditional, all-encompassing, abundantly merciful, and forever faithful.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Modeling the Catholic Home in the Monastic Style

CARISSA PLUTA

For over 2,000 years men and women have set out for places of seclusion and peace in hopes of finding communion with God. While our vocation to marriage looks vastly different from the call of monks and nuns, we ultimately desire the same end.

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

Most of us can’t pack up our stuff and move our lives to a quiet cabin in the woods, but we can learn so much from our brothers and sisters who live within the monastery walls; many aspects of the monastic life can be modified and applied to the Catholic home in order to help married couples and families grow closer to God.

Create a Rule of Life

Monks lead lives of discipline and order. Each religious order has their own set of precepts called a Rule of Life, which serves as a guide to keep their eyes fixed on God while living in their vocation.

Building a structure that influences your day-to-day is a beneficial practice for every couple and family that will help you and your marriage flourish.

In our vocation of marriage we have duties to our husbands, to our family, to our home, to God, and to ourselves. Having a Rule of Life helps ensure that each of these areas are receiving the attention they need, allowing you to find a deeper peace and a more profound freedom.

Create a Sacred Space

Monks and nuns in a contemplative order will spend much of their lives praying in a place secluded from the rest of the world. For those of us called to the vocation of marriage and family life, that isn’t really possible (nor should it be!)

However, we can create a space in our homes that functions as a “little monastery.”

Your home’s sacred space doesn’t have to be elaborate, it adds a lot of beauty to your home, and setting aside a wall or corner that fosters prayer and contemplation will help you refocus your attention on God.

Pray Daily

Every successful rule of life includes daily prayer, a necessity for anyone striving for holiness. Even incorporating simple daily prayers can bear immense fruit and can easily involve your spouse and your children.

You might consider praying a rosary (or a decade of the rosary) everyday, or take up saying the Liturgy of the Hours. You could also add an Examen to your evening routine, or if possible, go to a daily Mass at a nearby parish.

Cultivate Silence

In the words of monk and author Thomas a Kempis: “In silence and quiet the devout soul advances in virtue and learns the hidden truths of Scripture.”

However, work, kids, and the constant buzzing of our phones and social media apps can make silence difficult to find outside of a monastery. Thankfully, there are many little changes you can make to cultivate silence even on the busiest of days.

You can try limiting your phone usage especially in the morning or before bed. Or you can try waking up before the kids and enjoy your coffee, or turning the radio off on your commute.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Vacationing with Family This Summer? Tips for Engaged + Newlywed Couples

Will you and your beloved be traveling with extended family this summer?

It’s normal if you anticipate that among extended family, there are numerous—and varied—routines, diets, habits, and budgets. Truly, the family is a crucible wherein “families, which are far from considering themselves perfect, live in love, fulfill their calling and keep moving forward, even if they fall many times along the way.”

Many hours together in a limited space, perhaps more than you’ve all spent with one another in the past, can lead individual temperaments to bump against each other. And yet, family vacations are a gift of quality time. The experience can be rich with meaning, community, and relationship, when you choose to embrace the good with the challenging.

The occasion of knowing your beloved’s family members (or him knowing yours) more deeply is a school of love and opportunity for encounter.

Here, if you and your fiancé or spouse are vacationing with siblings, parents or other relatives, our tips for peaceful and fulfilling travels.

Find a daily ritual with your beloved.

Time spent in groups, rather than individual couples, naturally flows from the rhythm of most extended-family vacations. Resist any temptation to treat a family vacation more as a trip for the two of you--that is, more time spent on your own than with everyone present.

Instead, devote time and attention to your relationship by communicating with your fiancé or spouse about one or two rituals you can adopt for just yourselves in this different setting. You might consider going for a walk or run together each day, attending daily Mass, or, if you’re married, agreeing to go to bed at the same time each night.

Know yourself, while humbling yourself.

Depending on the degree to which you know one another’s families, and depending whether your individual temperament is more introverted or extroverted, time together might leave you energized, or it might leave you craving quiet.

Either reaction is equally valid. Consider ways to nurture personal needs while balancing and respecting the expectations of the group. Extroverts might pack board games and cards for spontaneous social time or suggest a movie or show for the group to share in, while introverts might carve out daily time to read, work out, or run an errand on their own.

Keep in mind, all the while, the value of being perceptive to others’ needs and not taking things personally: vacation isn’t about one particular person, but determining what best serves everyone. Parents of young children, for instance, might not be able to stay up late for marathon game nights, and those who prefer to recharge alone might opt out of certain activities. Allowing everyone freedom with their time is a gesture of goodwill that helps them be their best selves.

Serve.

Joy is a fruit of service. Take initiative with chores; put sunscreen on your nieces and nephews and offer to babysit them or take them out so their parents can have time together; take short showers; engage in conversation with family members you haven’t yet spent extensive time with.

Be honest and flexible with money.

Choosing activities and restaurants can be challenging when those in your group have different spending habits and financial situations. If a proposed meal or trip would be prohibitive, it’s alright to honestly and charitably communicate this.

If, however, choices are more a matter of preference, it’s worth making an effort to go with the flow--seek to invest in experiences and memories. Consider treating someone else if you’re able to, and if they treat you, accept with sincerity and graciousness.

Let yourself be stretched and sharpened.

Struggling with space, boundaries, and personalities with family members is normal and okay. Human natures clash sometimes, like rocks banging against each other in the tide.

Consider, though, that by developing a disposition of service and thanksgiving, that image of rocks jostled together can be replaced by one of iron sharpening iron: an opportunity to live out the will to love, sacrifice, and give of yourself.  

What have your family vacation experiences been like as an engaged couple or as newlyweds? Share the fruits of your travels with family in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

Introducing the Spoken Bride Shop.

Since Spoken Bride’s start in 2016, we have hoped and prayed to share our mission not only through images and the written word, but through the tangible: beautiful, distinctively Catholic products that could serve brides during all stages of engagement, wedding and Mass planning, and newlywed life.

Today, we’re thrilled to share the fruits of those dreams with the launch of the Spoken Bride Shop.

Intentionally designed to offer you simplicity, truth, and expertise in Theology and the wedding industry, our first collections in the shop are visual expressions—and meaningful gifts—that highlight the beauty of marriage. We celebrate celebrate men and women who found fulfillment through their married vocation; we express the truth of our vows; we acknowledge our identity as children of God; we provoke reflection on the holy wisdom of the saints. 

Whether you are a single woman in discernment, an engaged woman preparing for marriage, a newlywed or a bride of many years, we share our hearts with you through the Spoken Bride Shop and pray you are encouraged and inspired to pursue the truth of every woman’s call to be a beloved spouse. 

As our ministry is brought to life in a new way, we share our deepest gratitude and praise for the Holy Spirit’s grace in bringing these dreams to fruition. And we thank you—this community of brides, mothers, vendors, contributors, and readers—for empowering this mission to be a place where God dwells among us.

Click here to view additional listings in the Spoken Bride Shop!

The Visitation and Friendship

CARISSA PLUTA

In my group of friends, I was the first to get married and it was a honor to watch many of them enter into the same sacrament that brought so much joy to my life.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ELIZABETH M PHOTOGRAPHY

These women were pillars in my life before and after my wedding day but I found that as we each entered into our vocations, our friendship deepened and took on a new life.

Today’s feast of the Visitation has much to teach us on the beauty of friendship, especially while living out our vocations. Henri Nouwen writes:

“The story of the Visitation teaches us the meaning of friendship and community. How can we ever let God’s grace fully work in our lives unless we live in a community of people who can affirm it, deepen it, and strengthen it? We cannot live this new life alone. God wants us to form new friendships and renew community – a holy place where grace can grow to fullness and bear fruit.”

The grace conferred on us on our wedding day is meant to strengthen the couple in their love for one another, allowing their love to reflect that of the Creator. And while this grace is a gift freely given, we must cooperate with that grace.

But we can’t do that alone, or even simply with our husbands. We need community.

We need women with whom we can walk side-by-side as we strive to live out our wedding vows. We can not pursue holiness in our vocation in isolation. We especially need the friendship, solidarity, and wisdom given to us by other married women.

After receiving the news that she was to become the mother of God, Mary was also told by the angel of her cousin Elizabeth’s miraculous pregnancy. And so, Mary went in haste to visit her cousin Elizabeth.

Mary did not undertake this arduous journey to verify the news that what the angel said was true, her but because had faith that God had worked in this woman’s life and she wanted to be there for her to rejoice with and support her.

Similarly Elizabeth, having only heard Mary’s greeting, was “filled with the holy Spirit...and said, “Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb…’”

The joyful reception of Mary and Elizabeth perfectly illustrates the way that two women, who recently realized a new depth to their feminine genius, can recognize and build one another up in the graces God bestowed on them.

Pursuing holiness in marriage isn’t easy. I often find myself turning in a special way to the other married women in my life when I need encouragement and support in my role as a wife, and when I need a reminder about my identity as a daughter.

I look to them as examples of what holiness looks like.

I look to them to speak truth into my life when doubt and fear creeps in, and to recognize God’s presence in the seemingly mundane.

I look toward the women who can recognize the same grace in my life that has and continues to work in theirs, to strengthen it and help it bear fruit.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Editors Share | First Dance Songs

The first dance as husband and wife is often the most awaited part of a wedding reception. It is a special and romantic moment between the newlyweds and it highlights the unique personality of the couple.

In this month’s Editors Share, our team remembers their first dance and explains why they chose their song.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

Stephanie Calis, Co-founder & Editor in Chief

My husband and I danced to the song “You are the One” by Matt Hires, which had come on my iPod as we drove to a holy hour one night during our engagement. It’s a sweet, simple song that still brings back precious memories, but the truth is, we were too shy to set our first dance to the one we truly felt defined us! The ideal selection, for us, was “In My Arms” by Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot. Despite our love for it we ultimately felt too shy to use such a quiet song, with such intimate lyrics, in front of all our guests. For any couples like us hesitating to choose particular reception music because of self-consciousness, I’d encourage you to communicate and discern what you’re comfortable with and to pray for a sense of freedom with the necessary attention your wedding day brings!

Andi Compton, Business Director

We chose Matt Maher’s version of “Set Me As A Seal” because we simply liked the song. I wish I had a deeper explanation, but we both just felt like it was the right song. We ended up having a dance choreographed. If you know my husband, you know that we’re complete opposites. I love to dance, he likes to not dance. But for me he was willing to take ballroom dancing lessons and perform in front of our families..

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

My husband and I chose “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows. Mark and I had a stressful engagement since he was serving overseas with his military command, all up until a few days before the wedding, so we wanted something fun and upbeat. Mark was also an avid swing dancer during his college years at the United States Naval Academy, which we got to enjoy together a few times during our courtship, so we wanted to share that part of our relationship with our friends and family on our wedding day as well.

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

For our first dance, we moved in sync with Michale Buble’s “Hold On.” My husband suggested many ideas for our first dance song, but many focused on the beauty of the bride or the groom’s love for his bride; I was uncomfortable choosing a wedding song about the bride. This song was a great fit because it captures the essence of the mutual and reciprocal love of a married couple. The lyrics also serve as a reminder to grow in affirming physical touch in the midst of stress, frustration, sadness, and joy. Although physical touch is not my number one love language, a good hug often breaks through heavy emotional tension. As this song builds up to its finale, it reinforces the power of holding onto love in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do us part.

Though we both enjoy jumping around during spontaneous dance parties, neither of us are organized dancers. With that in mind, we invested in dance classes at a local studio—and loved every second. Beyond the benefits of feeling confident in our plan for our first dance, lessons were also a special opportunity to learn something new, be challenged, move our bodies and laugh together in preparation for our wedding day.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

Our first dance song was “God Gave Me You,” the version performed by Blake Shelton. My husband and I first met when we were 14 and high school sweethearts, and we were a country couple. On our first date he drove me to dinner in his white Chevy pickup truck in blue jeans, boots, and all. Many, many years and a wedding later, we still own that truck!

When we decided to pick “our song” for our relationship (which was definitely inspired by Taylor Swift’s 2009 single by the same name — released only the year before!), we decided on two requirements: the melody needed to mention God and needed to be a country song. I suggested “God Gave Me You,” and it became the song we grew up with together, from the age of 14 to (now) 23.

A couple years before we got married, I taught my husband how to country dance, and it is now one of our favorite things to do together. So when our wedding day finally arrived, seven years after we met, we country danced to the song we fell in love to as high school freshmen.

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

My husband and I chose the song “God Moves Through You” by Jason Mraz for our first dance. My husband has been a Mraz fan for a long time, which is how he first heard this song; Jason Mraz actually wrote it for his sister’s wedding so it’s not on any of his albums. It’s a really beautiful song, and was adapted from a collection of poems by Kahlil Gibran.

One of my favorite lines from the song is: “Let the wind of heaven dance between you too/Allow the space and time to bring you closer to everlasting love.” The song speaks of the love between a husband and a wife being a movement of God, a grace working in your life. We also loved that it also speaks of children as a gift.

Since it isn’t on an album, our friend Steve the Missionary offered to play it on his ukulele and sing it live during our reception. It was such a memorable moment from that day.

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

In the last couple weeks before our wedding, Patrick and I decided we really needed to sit down and make a decision on our first dance song. We never really had a song in the five years of our friendship/dating relationship, so we didn’t have too many ideas. One afternoon, while hanging out in my parents’ kitchen, we ended up Googling “First Dance Song Ideas” and decided to just go through the list until something resonated with us. We stumbled across “That’s How Strong My Love Is” by Otis Redding and both really liked it.

I love that it’s soulful and with a beat, but still a slow song that makes it easy to dance and sing along to. We actually ended up taking a couple of dance classes at Fred Astaire with a Groupon I had purchased. In the end, I think we just decided to sway to the music, not worrying about counting steps, but it was still fun!

I have no regrets about our choice, but funnily enough, we were just talking a couple weeks ago about our first dance. We said we probably would have picked the 1998 classic “All My Life” by K-Ci and JoJo if we had thought of it at the time!

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

Our first dance was inspired by the waltz in Disney’s live-action Cinderella, where Ella greets the Prince on the dance floor in her beautiful blue ballgown for the first time. Since we wanted to dance a traditional waltz we looked through a variety of instrumental songs that had the right ¾ time signature we needed for the dance. As I was searching for songs I came across, "The Princess Diaries Waltz," by John Debney from the score of The Princess Diaries. After listening to it I knew, in my heart, it was the right song for us.

The Princess Diaries is a favorite childhood movie I watched growing up with my maternal grandmother, who passed away in 2012. One of her biggest dreams was to see me get married. While I wish she had lived longer to see me take my marriage vows, this song made me feel close to her on our special day.

Dancing a waltz at our wedding was an incredible experience and it was everything I had hoped for. Jeff and I had practiced dancing for many hours during our engagement and it certainly paid off! During the dance, I felt like I was flying and it was truly magical.

Now that we are married, I am still practicing the art of dance through life as a married couple. It may not always be as graceful as it was on our wedding day. Occasionally we may stumble. But it’s good to know that as long as we have each other we can make it through anything together.

Tasha Johnson, Administrative Assistant

A couple of years ago, I got to fly across the country to attend the wedding of two former missionary teammates of mine. I served with the husband my first year and the wife my second, so I had really gotten to know them separately, and it was such a joy to finally see them together.

Their choice of Matt Maher’s “Hold Us Together” was a perfect fit for their small, intimate wedding, because it was so evident that their love for each other was already something fruitful; it really spoke to the care they had taken to welcome all of us to share life with them throughout their courtship, and even especially in the days leading up to the wedding! It was definitely a fun song to watch them twirl and dip to, but it was even more so a reminder of the ways their relationship had already served as a shelter, both for them and for those of us who had the honor of walking through life’s storms with them. It was an absolutely beautiful theme for the first day of the rest of their lives!

Grief + Grace: Suffering a Miscarriage as Newlyweds

KATE THIBODEAU

As newlyweds, we approach our first years of marriage in a blissful state of faith and hope. We make vows to our spouses to remain with them for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part.

Photography: Rachel Gallic Photography, seen in How He Asked | Katherine + Dominic

I specifically remember the utter happiness of my wedding day--the very best day of my life--with no thought that sadness could so easily creep into these early days of joy and peace.

God gifts to married couples a specific store of grace to carry them through the learning curves and the hardships of creating a life together. These graces  help us to learn sacrifice and charity and to offer ourselves and our desires up for the better of our spouse.

It is through these graces we are able to heal from wounds given to each other, the daily hardships we encounter, and for my husband and I, the greatest trial of all--the loss of our children.

 A few months into our very ordinary and blissful marriage, my husband and I suffered the miscarriage of our first baby. We had not planned for this little one; in fact, we had prayed for clarity in our decision to start our family and discerned that waiting was in God’s plan for us. However, the short duration of our unexpected baby girl’s life tugged at our heart strings. Despite God’s prudence to call her home so soon, we grieved the loss of his gift.

In our sorrow, I remember both a spiritual darkness and an overwhelming shower of grace that affected not merely my personal grief, but our marriage. My husband and I were called to grieve together; to openly suffer and mourn in a new way.

I remember thinking the honeymoon phase was officially over as I sat speechless, watching my husband sob for our baby girl.

There was no more need for blithely skirting around each other and putting on a happy face, confident our love would overcome hardship. Our strength now was found in experiencing, together, God’s change of plan for our lives.  

Sorrow and tears were followed by anger with God, frustration with my body, and an overwhelming sense of questioning our loss. I found myself sitting in the confessional, telling the priest through tears that I struggled with doubt in God’s decision, failing to understand how his sense of timing could be just or correct.

I fought fears that my husband could not suffer in communion with me, as he did not physically carry our child as I did. I listened to songs that made me think of my girl. I wrote letters to her that she would never read, bought a Christmas ornament to suffer through the holidays without her, and I cried through the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary, searching for the joy in my life.

My husband and I sought out the sacraments for graces and worked together to grow through our loss. We prayed a novena for answers, we picked a name for our little one (Charlotte Rose), inspired by St. Therese, who gave us great peace. We asked Charlotte’s intercession in her closeness to Jesus, that she may petition for the safety of her brothers and sisters to come. My husband and I prayed together through the tears and questions.

Our miscarriage journey is the greatest test of our faith as a couple so far: faith in our strength as a team, faith in our Catholic family, and most importantly, faith in God’s ultimate timing in our lives. 

We are daily showered in grace upon grace. We are gifted humility in trust of God’s plan and his full control of our family. We are gifted patience as we yearn for another child following baby Charlotte Rose. We are gifted contentment in approaching our newlywed existence sobered and stronger to pursue God’s mission for our family.

In sharing our loss with other newlyweds, I hear a common cry of families who suffer their losses both in silence and in community. Their relationships are tried by fire and strengthened by God’s infinite store of grace given through the sacrament of marriage. God calls couples to the joy and pain of marriage together. He does not give us tasks that are beyond our reckoning.

While there is no deadline to the grief that comes with the loss of our child, my husband and I are still learning to grow as one in our suffering, having found a new depth in dependence on each other and God’s mercy.

With the blessing of our “rainbow baby” to come this fall, I am daily reminded of the gifts of life and love to marriages, and those that are taken too soon.

May we always keep those couples suffering in our prayers, that they may not lose faith in God’s timing, but to be encouraged to look for the grace and strength that follows the storm. May we ask our angel babies to intercede for us from their blessed seat with God. May we ask Mary to bring joy into our newlywed struggles and fill us with restored hope.

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About the Author: Recently married to her best friend and partner towards salvation, Kate Thibodeau is learning how to best serve her vocation as a wife while using her God-given talents. Mama to angel baby, Charlotte Rose, and soon-to-arrive Baby Thibs, Kate has an English degree from Benedictine College, and strives to live in the Benedictine motto: that in all things, God may be glorified. Kate loves literature, romance, beautiful music, pretty things, wedding planning, and building a community of strong Catholic women.

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Love is Accountability, but Accountability is Not Always Love.

STEPHANIE FRIES

Holding someone accountable can be an act of love, but loving someone does’t always include strict accountability. At times, there is an intersection between spousal love and accountability. How do you and your spouse hold each other accountable for virtue while maintaining free, total, faithful, and fruitful love?

PHOTOGRAPHY: ELIZABETH M PHOTOGRPAHY

Imagine, for example, if my husband sets a goal and asks me to hold him to not eat dessert for three months. Because I love him and want to support his ambition for a greater good, I would do everything in my power to limit the temptations. I wouldn’t make his favorite chocolate chip cookies, I wouldn’t eat dessert in front of him (or if I did indulge myself, I would not tempt him with an offer). Maybe I would consider joining him for part of the fast as a partner along the journey.

But perhaps the cravings become too much to bear and my spouse ends his plan early. If he makes up his mind and calls it quits, I arrive at the crossroad: do I respond as his accountability partner or his spouse?

As an accountability partner, detached from marital love, I would remain in encouragement mode. I would pull out all the tricks to help him stay the course and, if necessary, use a stern approach of tough love, set towards fulfilling my role in holding him to his plan.

The reaction must shift, in some ways, when I see his struggle and love him as my husband. In the shared journey toward sanctification, I will initially encourage my spouse to fight through temptation toward a greater good—to a point. Eventually, we have to let our loved ones make their own choices. In these moments, we are called to prudence and self-control to uphold our spouse’s freedom.

The 1968 Encyclical Letter, “Humane Vitae,” defines four core adjectives of pure love: free, total, faithful, and fruitful. Fruitful love is open to new life—in parenthood, virtue, or spiritual fruits of the Holy Spirit. Faithful love echoes the marital vows, “I promise to be true to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer; I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” For love to be total, it is an absolute gift of self—mind, body, and spirit—from one person to another.

Love is free in how it is given and received. Pure love is a free gift without expectation to receive anything in return. There is no room for manipulation or coercion. Free love grows through the virtue of complete generosity.

In some ways, loving someone with freedom can pose an obstacle in holding someone accountable when we surrender our mission of accountability in order to respect their free will. When we love someone, we don’t want to see them fail or fall, especially when we have been tasked with supporting them. Yet with a purity of heart, we must honor the freedom of the other. In marriage, the crossroad between love and accountability is where God must enter, filling our hearts with trust, peace, and hope.

We look to the way God loves us to understand how to love our spouse with a pure heart. From the beginning of time, God offers every human autonomy and free will in decision making with a promise of unconditional love. When we reach to him as our divine accountability partner, he provides grace and encouragement, but his steadfast love will never force us to make a choice against our personal freedom.

His example of perfect, unconditional love models the balance between serving your spouse solely as an accountability partner and loving your spouse as your beloved.

By rooting ourselves and our marriages in Christ’s love, we can hold our spouse accountable yet show them mercy when they fall to temptation. We can ask God for prudence and wisdom through the challenges of marital love. We can confidently hope for redemption and sanctification.

Holiness does not look like one spouse dragging the other to the gate of heaven, against their will. Holiness is remaining side-by-side, though perhaps several miles away from heaven’s gate—loving through freedom, for freedom, and by the power of free love. In the pure and holy spousal union, God’s mercy reaches beyond our human limitations, redeems our brokenness, and carries us to his infinite peace. ”This love… is an act of free will, so that husband and wife become in a way one heart and one soul, and together attain their human fulfillment.”

I encourage you to reflect on past or current circumstances where the responsibilities as a spouse intersect with the responsibilities as your spouse’s accountability partner. Let us grow in love as we discern the opportunities to love with greater freedom, deeper mercy, and stronger hope in the journey toward sanctification.

When have you and your spouse held each other accountable while maintaining free, total, faithful, and fruitful love? What circumstances bring you to the crossroad between accountability and freedom? Share your story with our community on Facebook or Instagram.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Finding Heaven in a One-Bedroom Apartment

CARISSA PLUTA

Throughout engagement my husband and I dreamed of the home we desired to live in—a cozy little home on a nice plot of land. There would be a garden and some chickens and room for our many children to explore. It would be filled with fresh cut flowers and fresh baked bread, and the kettle would never be cold.

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

As I write this I am surrounded by piles of moving boxes preparing to move to our third apartment home in three years of marriage (not to mention the countless places we stayed while we couch-surfed for the first three months of our marriage).

We are city-dwellers and renters. We’ve yet to have a yard, and unless the little flower pot on our patio counts, we haven’t had a garden. We don’t live in a permanent residence, and won’t for at least another year or so.

We still occasionally catch ourselves dreaming about that home we envisioned for our family, but whether or not that dream is ever actualized remains to be seen.

The desire for a place that my husband and I can call our own finds its roots in the Garden. God entrusted the care of a place to the first man and woman.

After the Fall, Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden, and the loss of this place was a reminder of an even greater loss--the loss of unity with God and eternal paradise.

This scene in Genesis teaches a deeper reality contained in the idea of “home.”

Home is a foreshadowing of heaven.

The space you inhabit, big or small, is sacred. And like our first parents, husbands and wives are entrusted with the divine duty of placemaking.

Being made in the image and likeness of the God who made heaven and earth, we are called to be “co-creators” of a little Heaven.

Whether you find yourself in your forever home, a small studio apartment, or a spare room at your in-laws’ house, you are called to cultivate a place of beauty and communion.

Our tiny, one-bedroom apartments have each been filled with just as much life as the farmhouse we once dreamt of.

Between Bible studies and dinner parties, Sunday morning breakfasts and afternoon tea, the lives of so many people have intersected in our little living spaces.

They are often filled with fresh flowers and fresh bread, and usually bursting at the seams with music and laughter.

In them, we have encountered God and his immense love for us, and facilitated that encounter for others.

Even amid changes and transitions, trials and hardships, the little home we created together serves as a constant, unchanging reminder of our eternal home.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Tips for Forgiving Your Spouse

CARISSA PLUTA

Forgiveness plays a huge role in any healthy relationship, especially your marriage. But as most of us know, forgiveness is often easier said than done.

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY

Every couple knows that disputes and miscommunications will happen in even the best of marriages. And when they arise, it can be easy to shift blame or hold grudges.

I personally am often stubborn and slow to forgive. I prefer to nurse my hurt feelings and hold on to anger longer than I should. But married life has challenged me to let go of my harmful pride and more readily extend forgiveness.

Keep in mind these tips are for “minor” marital disputes and issues. Consider counseling if there are more serious problems or issues that need attention.

Give them the benefit of the doubt

When arguing with your spouse, it’s easy to assume the worst in them. More often than not, the problem is caused by a lack of communication or a moment of immaturity than viciousness or spite.

Remembering that your husband is on your team and ultimately desires your good helps you listen with more fairness and understanding. It’s not meant to undermine the harm done, but helps you approach the situation with more clarity and trust.

Switch perspectives

When you start to get frustrated or angry, it is helpful to try to put the shoe on the other foot. Try to ask yourself: “how would I want him to respond if I was apologizing for the same thing?” We would want to be forgiven, of course!

Viewing the situation with this mindset can help soften your heart and put you in a disposition to forgive.

Pray

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you need a little extra grace when it comes to forgiving your spouse.

Saying a prayer like the “Our Father” or the Jesus Prayer can help prevent your feelings of frustration from escalating. It can calm you and recenter you on what is truly important.

But you don’t have to wait until the moment you need the grace the most to ask for it! Ask God daily to help you be more forgiving so, when the opportunity arises, you are more prepared.

Say it Aloud

Saying the words “I forgive you” are more than a formality, it is actually a major part of the forgiveness process.

This phrase is far more powerful than saying “It’s OK” to someone’s apology. It not only recognizes and affirms that a wrong has occurred but also makes your forgiveness more tangible. It’s humbling, not only for the person you are forgiving, but for yourself as you make the choice to live out your vows.

These words are empowering to both hear and say, as they restore trust and love within your relationship

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Love and Sacrifice Say the Same Thing.

STEPHANIE CALIS

What is beautiful draws our senses to the sacred. At a recent wedding I attended, a harp, organ, and choir lifted their melodies to the heights. The groomsmen wore tailcoats; the bridesmaids, embellished gowns the color of jade. Even these breathtaking details, however, were nothing compared to the radiance of the liturgy, or the couple themselves.

Photography: Lindsay Pleyvak, seen in Jamie + Seth | Astronomy-Inspired Wedding

After a tear-filled procession and Liturgy of the Word, the celebrant’s homily illuminated an essential truth of our vocations, one embodied in a particularly tangible way through the call to marriage: love and sacrifice say the same thing, but only to the extent that we embrace them.

“You love,” he said, “as much as you sacrifice, and you sacrifice as much as you love.”

What does this mean?

As a wedding guest, I took these words as a prayer for the couple about to become one, that they might spend their lifetime willing one another’s good and fulfillment.

On a personal level, I heard them as a call, insistent and clear: along this path, my husband’s and my pilgrimage to the eternal wedding feast, our vows merit that we love with the entirety of our hearts, even when emotion runs dry and when we’d prefer not to make the effort. That we embrace the good times and bad, knowing that in making a gift of our actions, time, and entire selves to one another, we’re free from enslavement to self-serving desires.

I often consider the link between the words integration and integrity when it comes to relationships. That is, the times when the complementary parts of who I am--body and soul, reason and emotion, and more--are well-integrated and not in conflict with each other, are the times I find myself treating my husband with the greatest sense of integrity.

These are the times when my love for him and the sacrifices I’m willing to make for him--taking on extra chores when he’s busy, respecting our budget, putting our kids to bed on the nights he has to bring work home--speak a language of wholeness and good will.

When our hearts are integrated, love and sacrifice say the same thing: I give of myself to you, I place your present wants and needs before my own, I enter into your burdens and carry them alongside you.

In the times I turn to my own selfishness, preferring personal convenience or comfort above what’s best for my marriage and family, I see our relationships being chipped away at. I see them quite literally dis-integrate.

Thanks to grace and mercy, these breaks can be restored to something like their former wholeness, and only in eternity will they be brought to perfection.

Only in eternity. The words of this wedding homily, an occasion of such heavenly rejoicing, drew my attention down to earth and to the tension we live out in our vocations. We are earthly and imperfect, yet our call is focused on eternal life; on bringing our spouses and children (biological or spiritual) to the banquet by way of love.

And how to pour out that love? Through our acts of sacrifice. Saint John Paul II said, “There is no place for selfishness and no place for fear! Do not be afraid, then, when love makes demands. Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.”

By praying for your spouse, by serving and assisting him without keeping score, by keeping your shared goal of each other’s fulfillment and salvation at the forefront--even when it feels too hard--you become living icons of self-emptying love, bearing Christ to the world.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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The Power of Childlike Play in Marriage

STEPHANIE FRIES

“Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.”

These words of Christ are not a call to be childish, immature, or irresponsible throughout our lives. As we progress from childhood to adulthood, in every dimension of development, we are encouraged to maintain or re-develop a humble, receptive, trusting, childlike spirit.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

What does it mean to become childlike?

I consider the qualities of children I most admire: to share an unbridled expression of wonder and awe; to love without judgement and to be loved without fear; to trust a caregiver to provide basic needs; to harness an infinite imagination; to play without need for gain, but for the sole purpose of play itself.

Through a child’s innate freedom to love and play, they show adults how to be childlike. In many ways, children are models for a holy life, icons to help us understand how to live as adopted sons and daughters—children—of God.

Progressing through adulthood is marked by innumerable milestones. Oftentimes, each milestone comes with a new set of responsibilities. For example, buying a car, getting a job, buying a house, or starting a family. With a quick glance at the culture of our society, it is easy to see where grown-ups of all ages lose their childlike spirit in the demands of “adulting.”

Yet over and over, time and again, Christ invites us to be childlike. And many great saints, such as Therese of Lisieux and Catherine of Siena, teach us the goodness of being little, of fully embracing our identity as a child of God.

As you move with your spouse in a daily pursuit toward the narrow gate of heaven, how do you embody a childlike spirit in your marriage?

We can draw connections between many childlike qualities and their virtuous fruits. For example, expressing wonder and awe yields fear of the Lord. Freely loving and being loved is charity, the pure love of God. Trusting our basic needs will be met is surrender and abandonment to God. Engaging the imagination fulfills the call to live in the image of God as creator.

But to play for the sake of play. It begins and ends with play. Grown adults may ask, “what’s the point?” Play may be perceived as childish rather than childlike—a waste of time. Yet, in truth, when idle time is filled only with tasks and responsibilities, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to reach beyond boredom to the depths of creative and joyful intimacy within ourselves, with others, and with God.

Through playing together, we discover the gifts of being present. Playing without purpose is rich with communication, collaboration, community and freedom; being stretched outside our comfort zones often leads to surprises of joyful laughter and deepening relationship. For the single, consecrated, or married person, the emotional and spiritual benefits of a childlike spirit are innumerable.

Though often initiated without a specific end in mind, those who engage in play eventually—and unknowingly—create meaning in their shared experience. Creating meaning in the monotony of daily life is to transcend from human nature to a divine essence of faith, hope, and love. Sharing a reaction of wonder or laughter contributes to an ever-deepening friendship and affectionate intimacy within the marital embrace.

Here’s the catch of play: there is no how-to guide, no right or wrong, no age limit. Play sounds like funny nicknames or nonsensical stories. Play looks like pick-up soccer games or spontaneous dance parties. Play feels like letting your guard down or being courageous.  

When a marriage embodies a childlike spirit—even if only for a moment—two adults grow in humility, simplicity, and joy. Despite the ongoing throes of a career, family life, or personal struggle, a childlike spirit creates an opportunity to be nourished by God’s love, experience the fruits of grace, and enter into a quiet, peaceful presence with our Heavenly Father.

I challenge you to follow the example of a child, answer the call to be childlike, and bring a humble spirit of wonder and joy to your marriage through the power of play.

What are some ways you and your spouse play together? We invite you to share your story with our community on Facebook or Instagram.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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5 Saint Thérèse Quotes to Help You Live the “Little Way” in Marriage

What could a cloistered Carmelite nun who lived in the 1800s and died at the young age of 24 teach anyone about marriage—especially marriage in the 21st century?

If you look at marriage through a purely secular lens, as a civilly-sanctioned union between two consenting parties who share great feelings of affection—and tax benefits—then not much.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Mackenzie Reiter Photography

But for Christians, marriage is so much more. And through the Catholic sacrament of matrimony, two individuals become a living sacrament.

There is a spiritual reality in the spousal union that knits souls together for life, “God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”

There is unique marital grace that God reserves for those living the sacrament, and there is a mission given to the spouses that transcends time: help each other become the saints you are called to be. Walk with each other to Heaven. Cultivate your family as a ‘domestic church’ that overflows with life, love, grace, and Christ.

But what does marriage have to do with a young Carmelite nun?

Her name was Thérèse Martin—a young, fifteen-year-old girl who petitioned the Holy Father to enter Carmel; her plea was granted. During her remainder of her life in the French convent, Thérèse adopted a philosophy and a spirituality that reflected her own “little soul.” It was a way of simplicity, sacrifice, and, ultimately, love.

In 1997, she was officially declared a Doctor of the Church by Pope John Paul II. In her much-loved autobiography, Story of a Soul, she writes, “overcome by joy, I cried, 'Jesus, my love. At last I have found my vocation. My vocation is love!’” Saint Thérèse’s spirituality, her most enduring legacy, is affectionately known as the “Little Way:” a simple and direct path to Heaven. Although written by a young nun who never married, this spirituality is a beautiful rule of life for the married home. Through her own words, we learn the little way as a guide for our own vocations to love, through the vocation to marriage.

“My whole strength lies in prayer and sacrifice, these are my invincible arms; they can move hearts far better than words, I know it by experience.”

Saint Thérèse’s religious life revolved around constant prayer and sacrifice, especially little daily sacrifices like cleaning dishes or helping other sisters in need (especially those she found to be the most difficult). How strong marriages would be if each spouse filled every day with tiny sacrifices and deaths to self, each offered as a little prayer of love to Jesus!

“Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice,” she admonishes. “Here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right thing and doing it all for love.”

When you begin a burdensome chore, do it joyfully; offer up the urge to complain as a small sacrifice for your beloved and for Christ. Your joyful “yes” to making the bed each morning becomes a small fulfillment of the call to your vocation of married life. Each little labor becomes a prayer. After all, “when one loves,” Saint Thérèse says, “one does not calculate.”

“I know now that true charity consists in bearing all our neighbors' defects—not being surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest virtues.”

Is there anything about your spouse that drives you nuts? When you attend confession, do you feel like you could do their examination of conscience for them?

“How could he leave his clothes on the floor by the bed again? Haven’t I asked him ten times not to do that?” St. Thérèse’s little way notices faults of others through a different lens. The bad habits in your spouse, and in yourself, do not change easily or quickly; that’s the nature of a habit.

When your spouse does something that annoys you, again, refrain from acting shocked. Expect a healthy amount of imperfection or inconsistency from your spouse, and reflect, instead, on even his smallest virtues.

This minor shift in perspective curbs disappointment and hurt of failed expectations. Choose joy. Choose to notice the strengths of your spouse that made you fall in love with them in the first place. There may be profound suffering in marriage, but, as Thérèse says, “It's true, I suffer a great deal—but do I suffer well? That is the question.”

“I understood that every flower created by Him is beautiful, that the brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not lessen the perfume of the violet or the sweet simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would no longer be enamelled with lovely hues. And so it is in the world of souls, Our Lord's living garden.”

Do you ever look at another wife and wish you could be as good as her? Her beauty, her talents, her home, and even her marriage seem better than yours.

Envy destroys souls and marriages. But confident humility and gratitude for the gifts and beauty in your life destroy envy. Saint Thérèse wisely notes the perfect beauty of every person’s unique soul and vocation in God’s “living garden.”

“If a little flower could speak,” she explains, “it seems to me that it would tell us quite simply all that God has done for it, without hiding any of its gifts. It would not, under the pretext of humility, say that it was not pretty, or that it had not a sweet scent...if it knew that such were not the case.”

Make a list of all the little things that bring you gratitude about your spouse and the life you share together. Present these things with love to the Lord and praise him for crafting you as the beautiful flower you are. “Holiness (and happiness) consists simply in doing God's will, and being just what God wants us to be,” Thérèse says.

Another woman may have been created as a rose, but your life as the simple daisy adds necessary color and beauty to God’s garden.  

“God would never inspire me with desires which cannot be realized; so in spite of my littleness, I can hope to be a saint.”

In one of the most courageous sentences she ever wrote, St. Thérèse confidently hopes in her own sanctity, despite being acutely aware of her weaknesses and faults. She knows that her vocation is love, so “without love, deeds, even the most brilliant, count as nothing.” It is not always the grandeur of holy actions that make a saint, but the grandeur of love in every little action.

On your wedding day, you vowed to love your spouse “until death do us part.” Only then is your vocation complete, when you and your beloved enter eternal life as saints who helped each other through a lifetime of growing in sanctity.

In your own littleness, do not despair. Ask God for the theological virtue of hope to thrive in your marriage. Trust that your desire for sanctity in your vocation is never in vain.

In spite of your faults, in spite of the flaws of your spouse, in spite of the imperfections of your marriage, you can always, confidently, hope to become a saint. Walk the little way of simplicity, sacrifice, and love. Grow through the graces of marriage and the deep, abiding love of God—just like a little French nun who became a Doctor of the Church.

St. Thérèse of Lisieux, pray for us!

Signature Items: What They Are and How They Can Help Preserve Your Wedding Memories

What are your personal signatures? Maybe there’s a singular outfit or lip color that makes you feel your best, a spiritual book or prayer friends associate with you because you’ve recommended it so many times, a go-to drink order, a candle whose scent always fills your living space.

As individual as the way you write your name, signature items are the ones that make you feel most like you.

The external things you choose over and over and, in doing so, express your internal self. Every person desires to be known, and each woman’s personal style and spirituality can become a way of sharing and making visible who she is.

Photography: Petite Fleur Studios

If you’ve worried your wedding day might pass in too much of a blur to remember, pray for a sense of presence, and consider choosing items that can help you concretely revisit the start of your vocation. Sensory and emotional experiences are tied to closely to our memories, and can help cement life’s milestones in your mind. In the seasons of your wedding-day countdown and first months as a married couple, consider choosing a handful of new signatures--as a bride and as a couple--that, in years to come, will help define your life together: items that, when you use them, will bring the sweet days of new marriage flooding back.

Here, four suggestions for incorporating signature items into your wedding day and newlywed life:

A wedding-day fragrance

The sense of smell can powerfully evoke memory and emotion. Choosing a new-to-you perfume to wear for the first time on your wedding day and honeymoon, then setting it aside for a brief period, is a resonant way to lock in and later revisit this sacred time.

A new saint or devotion

Shared prayer deepens your relationship like practically nothing else. As your wedding approaches, commit to adopting a patron for your marriage, compose your own wedding novena, write your own personal marriage prayer or family mission, or consider Marian consecration. Repeat this devotion annually around your anniversary, and you’ll find yourself amazed by the fruits and changes each year of marriage brings--even difficult years.

A honeymoon playlist

Like scent, music holds a strong pull on our memories. Before your honeymoon, put together a playlist or choose albums with your beloved that are new to you or haven’t been in heavy rotation, and listen en route to and at your destination. Listen more as you settle into your shared life, knowing the songs you’ve selected will be able to transport you back. Not going on a honeymoon right away? This practice still works if you’re headed right into your new routine or planning a staycation!

Recipes

Are there particular meals that strongly evoke your childhood or a past experience? Food, and the rituals tied to it, is a foundation of a shared table and shared life. Put a few cookbooks on your wedding registry, or purchase them for yourself, and enjoy the process of discovering dishes you love; ones that will have a spot in your home as time passes and, God willing, as your family grows.

Of course, we often go through phases of loving certain products, songs, prayers, and meals that later become associated with certain seasons outside the wedding realm, sometimes without realizing it. Making an effort to intentionally choose some of these items as you prepare for your vocation, to express the inner with the outer, speaks to the human heart’s eagerness to be known--to share of itself, to give--and to building a life entirely unique to you and your spouse.

My Daughter's Storybook Wedding--and How it Helped me Grieve

LIZ GORRELL

I am a bride, a mother, and a grandmother. In anticipating my eldest daughter’s child (my 6th grandchild), I am eager to share the story of our mother-daughter relationship amidst the planning of her wedding day last year. Celebrating her storybook wedding, and reflecting on that season of life, was a precious spiritual gift to me. I pray that sharing this story will be a gift to a young bride-to-be, new bride, and her mother.

In the midst of planning my daughter’s wedding, I was grieving the death of my mother. The process of mourning my loss filled my soul with emotion and clouded my ability to express myself. It wasn’t until after the wedding when I was finally able to sit and reflect upon my mother’s death, my daughter’s beautiful wedding, and the prayers my mother would have offered--for my daughter, her new husband, and their life together. Ultimately, the moment of pause helped me recognize how her wedding was my “good grief,” a gracious gift in the midst of sadness.

PHOTOGRAPHY: STEVE COYLE PHOTOGRAPHY

A mother is an integral part of a young woman’s life when she is getting married. Regardless if the two are on good terms or not--whether the relationship is filled with intimate stories and laughter over a girls’ night or strained from wounds and incompatible temperaments--the mother-daughter relationship is emphasized during a transition to marriage.

I believe every mother longs to be close to her little girl as she moves from her parents’ protection to the loving shelter of a kind man. And I believe each young woman yearns for her mother’s support as she enters her new vocation.

I go back in my mind to a year ago when my daughter, Kate, and I were in the middle of reception detail planning and dress fittings. There was so much to decide upon, and of course, I was so excited to bring all my crafty talents to the table and make her storybook wedding a reality. At the same time, the shadow of grief from my mother’s death followed me as I hadn’t adequately processed the transition in my own mother-daughter relationship.

Kate and I often argued about wedding etiquette. More than once I heard, “Mom, people don’t do that anymore!” Eventually I responded, “Well, if I’m paying for it, I want it to be done well and be a classy event.”

The tension and anger were followed by apologies and compromises. The “Please, Mom, understand I want my wedding to be what I envision, not your vision,” was almost always answered with, “I understand, honey, but please don’t steal my joy in giving you something beautiful.” Despite our challenging conversations, we were able to come together to create a lovely and memorable day.

“Stealing joy” was an echo of my mother’s words from years prior--when I had denied her opinion and financial support in my own wedding preparations and newlywed life. I was the youngest of fourteen children, her eleventh daughter, and I shudder at the memory of my reaction to her efforts to help me.

The dual-perspective as both a daughter and a mother allows me to identify these offerings of help as a sincere gift. I wish I had been more gracious and hadn’t “stolen her joy.” Simultaneously, I can empathize with my daughter’s longing for independence and freedom in some of our conflicts of opinion.

I recognize the perspective as a young bride, unable to realize how much emotion a mother experiences as her daughter prepares for marriage. A mother’s emotional investment stretches beyond monetary costs, aesthetic details, and various other niceties. In her daughter’s wedding, a mother comes to terms with the reality that her young girl is becoming a woman, making decisions of her own, and preparing to leave home in order to cling to another. Such a transition is difficult.

When a woman first finds out she is having a baby girl, she holds close to her heart all the expectations of what kind of mother she will be to her little girl. She hopes to be a good example in femininity, holiness and motherhood, and to cultivate a true friendship that goes beyond being a mother and daughter. Every mother has expectations for her daughter, in what kind of woman she will become; as I look with love upon my daughter, I can honestly say she has always exceeded mine.

As a homeschooling family, I had been a long-term support to my daughter--and she to me. Yet, witnessing her maturation and growing independence through the college years was difficult. Though she became the lovely independent young woman and friend I had hoped for, there is an experience of grieving, of “losing” my little girl. Such a bittersweet transition is not easy.

My daughter’s wedding was truly a storybook wedding. I was touched by her and her fiance’s desire for the wedding to be a deeply sacred event. The afternoon of the Nuptial Mass was indeed a true expression of Faith which included she and her guy meeting our pastor to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation minutes before they would line up with their bridal party in the back of the cathedral.

With the classic sacred music, stunning musicians, and reverence of the whole Mass, many tears of joy were shed that afternoon, however, surprisingly, I didn’t cry. In total peace, I looked upon my little girl all grown up, as she stood arm in arm with her new husband presenting, with love, her bouquet and entrusting their marriage to our Blessed Mother Mary. My own mother lived her life devoted to our Blessed Mother, so I imagine she was probably smiling down from heaven.

The fairy tale continued at a most exquisite reception venue with simple elegance planned into the details. The details were very personal from the place setting favors to the gorgeous dessert table spread of homemade pies and cheesecakes compliments of her sister-in-law, Abby and myself. My humble effort at making the wedding cake was a labor of love and satisfaction even if it was a bit crooked! From the Father-Daughter dance to “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder, and the Mother-Son dance to “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong,

all the joy was bit by bit healing my grief.

Everyone celebrated loudly, danced the night away and gathered under the stars sending off the happy couple under a shower of sparklers.

In the grieving of my little girl’s growing up and the grieving of my mother’s death, I lost my familiar positions in relation to the women who know me best. But in my loss, I gained a new level of intimacy with both my daughter and my mother, I gained a new perspective and compassion for how the mother-daughter relationship changes over time, and I gained the love of God to guide me, gently, through a major life transition with peace and joy.

I often think of my daughter and my mother, Edith, as my two closest friends. When I think of the virtues my holy mother possessed--strong love of God, His Blessed Mother and the Saints, humility and patience--I see those same virtues in my daughter; so my mother lives on.

My advice to the young ladies planning a wedding is to seek a better understanding of the gift you are to your mother, and that regardless of the state of your relationship with your mother at this time, know you are a gift from God to her. Your love and joy may help her grieve a loss, heal a wound, and grow in holiness.

To the mothers out there, I pray for grace for you to enter into a better friendship with your girl as she prepares for her vocation of wife and motherhood. Give her your time and love, but most importantly your prayers so she may glorify God with her new life--a life you helped to provide, and nourished the best you could.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Liz Gorrell is a wife, mother to five living children and three little saints in heaven, and grandmother to 5 sweet kiddos. A Midwest transplant to Austin, Texas, she loves gardening, creating mosaic patio stones with Catholic themes, all-things decorating, wedding and party planning, baking, and celebrating big her Catholic Faith. Liz has spent the better part of the last 20 years homeschooling her last four children, creating a domestic Church by way of her love of sacred art, liturgical celebrations and cultivating an environment of goodness, truth and beauty. She enjoys helping young mothers and other homeschooling mothers through her ministry, Heart of the Home. She has a devotion to the Blessed Mother, and strives to emulate Mary and the Saints in living a simple life. Her goal is to hear, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant,.. Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."

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Tips for Couples Not Immediately Taking a Honeymoon

CARISSA PLUTA

Two days after our wedding, my husband and I were on a plane heading to Florida. Not for some tourist site or as a quick stop on our way to a exotic destination but for his job training.

PHOTOGRAPHY: SOUL CREATIONS PHOTOGRAPHY

We spent a month in a college dorm room (with two twin beds pushed together for those of you wondering). We ate cafeteria food most nights, with the rare evening out at one of the two other restaurants on campus. We spent hours each day in a training with 500 strangers and were constantly on the lookout for alligators as we walked across campus in the hot sun.

It wasn’t exactly my dream honeymoon.

For various reasons—work schedule or finances—not every couple can take a honeymoon following the wedding day. And at the time we made our plans, I didn’t even realize how much I would desire one.

Thankfully, there are some things you can do to enjoy the early days with your new spouse, be it from home or from alligator-infested swamp-lands:

Let the Wedding Dust Settle

You may be tempted to finish up those wedding wrap-up items in the first few days after the wedding. But once your family and friends leave and the gifts are opened, make sure you take some time to decompress.

You just spent months of planning and preparation leading up to your big day, it is okay to wait a bit before sending those thank you cards out. Instead, use that time to get settled in your new home and life together.

Spend Intentional Time Together

The Honeymoon phase isn’t exclusive to couples who take a honeymoon immediately following a wedding. And thankfully, you don’t have to be in a tropical paradise to spend intentional time with your new spouse.

There are so many ways for you to spend quality time together, even on a budget. Consider taking a Staycation or plan a unique date night.

Get Off Social Media

Whether you are skipping the honeymoon all together or waiting for your time to come, viewing the curated snapshots of other’s lives will not make that time any easier for you. If you are prone to comparison (especially if you are getting married during the height of wedding/honeymoon season), it’s best to stay off social media for a few days.

Plus, freeing yourself of screens for a few days will help that time you are spending with your new husband even more intentional and fruitful.

Enjoy Building Your Life Together

After months (or maybe years) of waiting, you and your Beloved are finally husband and wife! It’s an exciting time and the reality of that isn’t dissolved because a honeymoon doesn’t immediately follow.

Open up those wedding gifts and get settled into your newly shared space. Allow yourselves time to create routines and ease into the new liturgy that is your daily life. Enjoy a slow morning over coffee or a glass of wine as you cuddle in the evening, and allow yourself to marvel at the life you are building with your spouse.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Sharing Your Story | Marriage as a Living Testimony

STEPHANIE FRIES

There is power in telling a story—especially our personal story. When we put words on our authentic, vulnerable, sometimes laughable realities, we build bonds through shared human experiences. We listen to stories of others and experience the commonality of the human heart. Sharing and listening to life stories paves a path for affirmation, inspiration, empathy, and connection.  

God offers his Church the Bible as a holy example of the power and influence in storytelling. Reading, studying and meditating on his sacred word brings us into deeper relationships with our Creator and with the longings of our heart and soul. Hearing the timelines, parables, and events of Scripture unifies individuals as they listen and learn alongside one another.

Our heavenly father has never stopped creating; he offers new stories through every human life. Our voices and our bodies are the means by which we share these stories with others—and glorify him—as the details of our lives unfold.  

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

As we think of our own stories, who we share them with, and how we emphasize the details, it’s important to have intention as we recall and retell memories. Simply put, the way we remember an experience affects the way we speak about it. And the way we speak affects how others feel or how they think.

Consider, then, the opportunity and responsibility of sharing the stories of our married lives.

There is, of course, a healthy boundary to vulnerability; certain experiences and conversations between spouses should stay private. Yet within the vocation to married life is a journey of love, which every human heart yearns to hear and know. How you offer these stories, to strangers and loved ones alike, has the power to make an impact on your listeners’ hearts and minds.

For example, if you recall a circumstance as challenging, disheartening, or obstructive, then the tone in your storytelling will model those emotions to the audience. On the other hand, if your memory of an experience is positive, funny, or related to personal success, your body language and tone of voice will convey those emotions. Social scientists recognize that when we desire connection with others, listeners subconsciously mimic the speaker’s body language, breathing rate, and tone of voice. Whether they know it or not, the speaker is a model of emotion and attitude.

This insight has been a catalyst for me to pay attention to my internal dialogue and to be thoughtful as I share personal stories with others. I often find myself separating stories of my marriage from stories of life circumstance. I try to comprehend and share marriage as one dimension of life, while our jobs and daily logistics are another entity. With this approach, I frequently recall the moments when these two worlds collide; I speak of these experiences with a frustrated, puzzled, and tense tone. What impact does this have on the individuals who listen to me?

Fortunately, a mentor calmed weakness to this perspective; he helped me recognize the beautiful complexity of the calling and vocation to married life. We are not only called to become a wife. Every movement of every day, every detail and circumstance is an purposeful piece of our specific vocation.

Reflecting on the gift of vocation in this all-encompassing perspective has affected the way I tell my stories. The life circumstances I once perceived as obstacles have become moments for growth and grace in my marriage. The plot twists which used to shatter plans and positivity are now recognized as God’s hand guiding our path according to his divine mystery.

With a new perspective, my body language, word choice, and tone of voice has shifted. The storytelling that once left people empathizing with my frustration has a new potential to invite others into hope as we embrace the struggles of early family life as a gift from God.

Reflect on how you tell the stories of your vocation; how do you want to make people feel as they listen to and engage with your vulnerability?

God desires to use our stories as a means for his presence in the world. As we tell a story and give glory to God, we may open someone’s eyes to recognize his hand in their own life. When we celebrate life’s challenges and obstacles as gifts to our vocation, we may give someone else permission to see their circumstances with hope, patience, or a sense of humor.

This is not about sugar-coating our stories, but about keeping our eyes on God as we recall and retell our life experiences. Marriage inevitably involves taking up a cross and abandoning our own will. Dying to self requires a surrender of pride and oftentimes involves some kind of pain. Although there are times when pain is offered as a hopeful prayer, other realities invoke an honest and raw sadness in pain. Each story deserves to be shared authentically and in truth. No matter the depth of pain and suffering, God is writing your story as his personalized gift of love to you.

When we speak about our lives, our vocation, with an authentic or gracious tone, we cultivate a strong culture of marriage; we uphold a culture that receives every experience as a gift and offers the stories of our lives as a living testimony of faith, hope, and love.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Establishing a Bedtime Routine with Your Spouse

CARISSA PLUTA

Having a good night’s rest is essential for healthy lives and in many ways, a healthy marriage. Sleeping affects your bodily, mental, and emotional health--all of which are important to successfully taking on the next day. Plus, studies have shown that a good night’s sleep can reduce stress and improve your mood.

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

Establishing a bedtime routine is important to help you fall asleep, and stay asleep until morning.

You and your new spouse probably came into your marriage with your own pre-bed rituals but the excitement of falling asleep next to your new spouse is sure to shake things up a bit.

Creating a bedtime routine together helps ensure that you and your spouse are getting the rest needed to fully live out your vocation as husband and wife.

Create a Sanctuary

Ideally, your bedroom is the place you go to wind down at the end of the night and wake up refreshed each morning. It should be primarily a place of rest and peace, but for many new couples it often doubles as a home office or storage closet. The added clutter and noise can make you subconsciously feel anxious or stressed and therefore, affect sleep.

Your bedroom is where the liturgy of your life begins and ends. It is where your vows are made flesh and where the veil of the day is torn; it is a place of unity and intimacy for couples. Your bedroom is a sacred place in your home and should be treated as such.

Keep unnecessary work and noise out. Make sure you have a comfortable mattress and pillows, and try to keep the room as clean as possible (even if that means tidying up the room before your lay down). Create a space in which you look forward being after a long day, and that will help ease your mind and body into a restful night.

Set Boundaries for Technology

Do you and your spouse spend time scrolling on your phone before bed? Not only does the artificial light from phones, tablets, and laptops disrupt the circadian rhythms of the body, it communicates indifference to your spouse.

Spend time in the evenings together without the distractions of text messages and emails. Set a time where the technology is powered down and put away.

If possible, keep the phone out of the bedroom. Again, this keeps the unwanted stress out of your sleep environment but also eliminates the temptation to reach for your phone during the night or first thing in the morning.

Make Time for Prayer

Setting aside time each night for prayer is a great way to recenter before bed and to thank God for the day.

Not only that, but praying aloud with your spouse deepens your relationship with one another; it increases intimacy and contributes to the spiritual health of the family.

Not sure where to start? Try incorporating compline (or the Divine Office’s night prayer) or an Examen into your evening routine. Whatever you decide, make sure you pray before your head hits the pillow.

Go to Bed at the Same Time

Between kids and work schedules, it’s not always possible to go to bed at the same time as your spouse each night. But if you have the opportunity, choosing to go to bed at the same time as your spouse, helps create a feeling of connectedness, especially if you don’t get a lot of time together during the day.

Research has shown this small practice as a great way to increases intimacy and conversation between couples. It also increases positive feelings between partners that affect their interactions the following morning.

Say “Goodnight”

It may seem odd to say “goodnight” before you fall asleep in the same bed. However, a simple “good-night” communicates to feelings of love to your spouse.

Saying goodnight, especially after a bad day, communicates to your spouse that your relationship is more important than any upsetting incident that may have happened during waking hours. These words offer closure on the day and allow husband and wife to fall asleep knowing that they are cherished.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Does Planning for Your Future Together Stress You Out? Finding Rest in the Unknown.

STEPHANIE CALIS

There was the spat I look back and laugh on; the one in Bed, Bath, & Beyond over whether me and my husband-to-be should register for champagne flutes as a wedding gift. “Our grandchildren will use them at our holiday parties!” I insisted. “We don’t have grandchildren,” he replied.

Later, there were the more serious discussions about preferences for our future children’s education, where we would live after my husband completed his graduate degrees, how we’d care for our parents as they aged over the decades. I felt anxious, trapped by indecision and nervous when our opinions differed--which they did, often.

Photography: True 2 You Photography, c/o Divinely Designed Events

Have you experienced anything similar? Uncertainty, that is, about the details of your future as a married couple?

When I think back on my teenage years and early 20s, they are marked by a consistent desire for when: when I’d figure out my vocation, when I’d meet my future spouse, when I’d determine what career path I was drawn to. And later, during engagement and early marriage, the real adult whens set in: when we would--God willing--become parents, when we’d have a long-term city and state in which to settle, when we might become homeowners. My mind continually casts around for what’s next, somehow lulled into the belief that knowledge will bring peace.

And yet, I find myself needing the frequent reminder that self-determination and a need to always know are habits that pull my gaze inward, rather than heavenward. That true peace resides not in my own decisions, but in discernment and trust.

The Sisters of Life have a beautiful prayer called the Litany of Trust, a cry to Jesus’s mercy and total care for his beloved children. One line that frequently stands out to me is, “From the fear that trusting you will leave me destitute, deliver me, Jesus.” Deliver me.

His mercy is endless; an outpouring of love that never leaves us wanting--in whatever form that looks like. An answer to uncertainty and to my poverty of fear.

If, during engagement and your newlywed months, you and your beloved find yourselves similarly indecisive or fearful about decisions and life events yet to come, I offer you several practices that have brought peace to my own married life.

First, take the plunge into the root of your worries. With your beloved, discuss any fears of the future you’re wrestling with. Consider their causes: is it a matter of shifting your spiritual paradigms (I recommend Dr. Gregory Bottaro’s book The Mindful Catholic for tips on drawing your attention to the Lord’s hand in your life at the present moment)? Are there past family or relationship wounds that have led to anxiety over particular matters?

If counseling or therapy--either individually or as a couple--feels necessary, rest in knowing there is no shame, but strength, in seeking professional assistance.

Second, consider concrete ways to respond to any fears. Talk together about habits you might develop to contend with major decisions or the unexpected in a healthy way, such as infertility, family conflict, or serious illness. While we can trust completely in the Lord’s care, we can also cultivate that trust, and a sense of peace, by taking advantage of our God-given reason and of tools and resources created to assist.

Lastly, I encourage you to pursue a sense of surrender to the unknown.

Practical preparation for and discussion of the future is both necessary and reassuring, yet at a certain point, we are still called to make a leap and live.

In the years since my husband and I swung wildly between dreamily imagining our life together and arguing in fear over what that life might actually look like, I’ve realized it’s alright not to determine everything about your future right away; alright to take a rest from chasing the when.

It’s alright, too, to change your minds--while expecting our first child, for example, I initially planned on returning to work. Yet the whirlwind of recovery from giving birth and our bumpy entry into parenthood led to a reevaluation of that decision, leading to my current work-from-home setup. Giving yourselves permission to follow the Lord’s call--even when it leads you somewhere you never expected to be--is a gift that eases the weight of expectations and self-focus.

So long as you and your beloved share the same fundamental values--the Catholic faith, in particular--and persist in respect, openness, and good will, then decision-making and looking ahead can become a source of discovery and peace, rather than contention and unrest.

I know now that just because my husband and I didn’t begin our relationship in agreement over every single issue doesn’t mean we’re incompatible. It means we’re human--two individuals who have chosen each other, made a vow to each other, and become one.

I respect his ideas and worries and trust in his respect for mine, to the point that now when we don’t see eye to eye on certain questions, I find it exciting to see where he’s coming from, to join him in discernment and to reach a common ground.

Together, we’re able to look to the future largely with joy--though I suspect there will always be more questions, more uncertainties--and call each other to focus on our priorities in the present. I wish you the same, and I wish you true peace.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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You are a Beautiful Bride | The Unconditional Truth

STEPHANIE FRIES

As a young flower girl at the weddings of babysitters and family friends, I remember being entranced by the regal aurora of the bride. As an engaged woman in preparation, I was encouraged, “you will be a beautiful bride!” On my own wedding day, I remember hearing the remarks of wedding guests who referred to me as the beautiful bride.

It is true. A woman dressed in white, clothed in the joy and purity of her wedding day is a sight to behold. The crowd of witnesses stands as she enters the sanctuary. The groom can’t take his eyes off of her. The journey of the bride moving towards her covenant at the altar echoes a song of every human’s heart. She is the personification of beauty, a reflection of the creator who makes all things glorious.

PHOTOGRAPHY: RED FERN PHOTOGRAPHY

There is no denying that a woman on her wedding day is a beautiful bride.

Yet hearing the simple statement, “you are a beautiful bride,” brings me to a question. When a woman hears these words, does she interpret the message as admiration of her outer appearance or as affirmation of her heart and soul?

If the message is attached to the status of professional hair and makeup, heirloom jewelry, a wedding gown, and a following of photographers, then her identity as a beautiful bride becomes conditional to external circumstances.

In contrast, when a woman is offered and hears bridal admiration as a reflection of her lifelong commitment to her vocation, her beauty is fused with her existence. She is beautiful because she is. Her daily “yes” to her marriage is her most stunning quality. In the truth of this perspective, her beauty is sealed in her feminine vocation.

Despite our secular culture’s twisted reality which uses outer appearances to define one’s value and worth, God offered his son to remind us that our value is confirmed in his love for us. Our worth is defined in our status as a child of God. Therefore, it becomes imperative to shift our understanding of a “beautiful bride” away from a simple definition of a woman in white, so we can more fully celebrate the innumerable beautiful brides in our midst—the women who strive in the commitment of their married vocation.

How do we begin acknowledging this truth and celebrating true beauty? The responsibility is shared among both men and women, single and married, young and old.

To the bridal attendants and wedding guests:

Say what you mean and mean what you say. We cannot expect others to interpret the deepest meaning of our words. Take time to write a heartfelt note to express the depth of your admiration for a new couple in covenant. Choose your words with intention as you compliment and affirm a bride on her wedding day; your compliment is not only relevant to that day, but the rest of her married life. And on the average days in-between, acknowledge the beauty of the women in your life as they each pursue or fulfill marital vows in a unique way.

To boyfriends, husbands, and men:

Reflect on how you internalize the beauty of your bride. If you look at your bride and are distracted by the external clothing, emotions or demands of married life, pray for the desire to explore and know a deeper intimacy of her heart. If you are married—or desire to be married—and you know the internal beauty of your bride, tell her. From the morning of your wedding day and for the rest of forever, she is your beautiful bride: the embodiment of God’s finest creation put on this earth as a gift for you. Live in that joy.

To single, engaged, and married women:

Once you enter a vocational covenant, you are a bride. Your status in that role is not conditional on how you dress, how professional your hair and makeup look, or how gracefully you move about the day. Through your commitment in covenant, your status as a beautiful bride cannot be changed.

On the days when you feel lost or confused in your vocation, you are a beautiful bride.

On the days when vulnerability in making love brings a moment of embarrassment, you are a beautiful bride.

On the days when you are covered in stains from raising a family, you are a beautiful bride.

On the days when the love between a husband and wife is playful and fun, you are a beautiful bride.

On the days when you doubt your value as a wife but show up offering your very best for that day, you are a beautiful bride.

The woman who enters a vocational covenant is, forevermore, a beautiful bride. As the memories of your wedding day move further back in time, remain steadfastly affirmed in your inherent, unconditional beauty.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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