An Introduction to the Byzantine Rite of Marriage

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JULIA DEZELSKI

 

If you’ve ever attended a Catholic wedding, you know the Church does weddings a little differently than other traditions- there are certain things we do and don’t do. However, if you are a Catholic in the United States, chances are you may not know that the Church has different marriage rites, depending on the liturgical rite a couple belongs to. I barely knew myself until I was planning my own wedding in the Byzantine rite. For every liturgical rite in the Catholic Church (there are over twenty!) there is a different liturgy of marriage in keeping with the rite’s tradition.


Last December, when I was married in the Byzantine rite, I had only once attended a wedding in the Eastern Catholic Church and needed plenty of instruction. I had been officially welcomed into the Eastern Catholic Ukrainian Church the previous June after requesting a change of rite (from the Latin rite in which I was raised). It was during my studies abroad in Rome that I stumbled upon the Byzantine rite through association with the Russian Catholic Church established there on the Esquiline hill. I was initially attracted by the beauty and depth of the liturgy (although I didn’t know any Russian!) and after further study of the history, iconography, and spirituality of the East, I knew that I wanted one day to embrace that patrimony as my own. Upon returning to the United States, I had the opportunity to do so and my husband-to-be was very supportive (and curious) about marriage in the Eastern rite.

Despite our inexperience and our guests’ unfamiliarity with the Eastern celebration of marriage, everyone was touched by the unparalleled beauty of the rich symbolism behind every gesture and edified by the solemnity of the rite.

Here are a few of the most interesting features of the Byzantine rite marriage:

The Procession

Much to the surprise of our guests, my father did not accompany me down the aisle. Instead, my husband and I processed hand-in-hand down the aisle behind the celebrants. By entering together, we crossed over the threshold of the church as equal partakers in this unfolding mystery of love. The focus is not on the bride alone, but on the couple, already becoming one mind and one heart as they make their way into the House of God.

Unlike other weddings, we did not have a handsome band of ladies and gents as an entourage. Instead, our two witnesses led the wedding procession carrying icons of Jesus and the Virgin Mary into the church. These icons now hold a prominent place in our home and serve as a reminder of that sacred day and its foundation. The choir’s intonation of Psalm 27 during the procession served as a reminder: “Happy are all who fear the Lord, who live according to His will. You shall eat the fruit of your own labors, you shall be happy and you shall prosper. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the heart of your home …”

The marriage rite actually begins in the vestibule of the church with the service of betrothal that confirms the free will and intent of the bride and groom. Although we were already betrothed (more on that later), we reaffirmed our free and unconstrained consent to enter into the marriage covenant.

Intercessions

As soon as we had publicly professed our intent, we were prayed for by those around us. The Byzantine liturgy is sprinkled with intercessory prayer: for the soon-to-be spouses, for blessings upon their marriage, for the fruits of the bride’s womb, for the couple’s children and their children’s children. Drawing upon a rich array of biblical marriages, the priest then offers a prayer to bless the couple like the biblical couples from Adam and Eve to Mary and Joseph. By being prayed over with such powerful imagery, the new couple becomes a part of the biblical story of redemption and a link in the genealogy of Christ’s second coming.

Marriage Vows and Crowning

To seal their participation in the story of salvation, the bride and groom are now invited to place their right hands on the Gospels. The priest then covers their hands with his stole as the groom followed by the bride read their marriage vows. Both my husband and I appreciated that we were not asked to repeat the words of the priest - we read them for the first and only time directly off the page. The vows were simple and profound, undergirded by the promise to love, respect, and be always faithful to our spouse with the help of God and all the saints.

The sacrament of matrimony in the Byzantine rite is also called the Holy Mystery of Crowning. The reason why becomes apparent at this moment, when the bride and groom are now crowned - that’s right - literally crowned with either a wreath of myrtle or a crown of jewels (not exactly precious jewels, but not plastic, either!)

The crowning is most certainly the most dramatic part of the ceremony, not only for the spouses who are trying to keep their heads upright, but for the whole assembly that witnesses a new dimension of marriage that is not typically highlighted in a wedding. The crowning is not some sort of mock celebration of how the newly wedded spouses might feel on top of the world but instead the “crowns of glory and honor” placed on their heads symbolize the honored martyrs who shed their blood and gave their lives for Christ and their neighbor. Like the crown of martyrdom, the crown is a prize of a marriage well-lived: a crown of sacrifice and self-giving. It is a foretaste of a glorious marital end!

The Common Cup and Procession

The Byzantine marriage rite is not celebrated within the context of a eucharistic celebration. However, a chalice of unconsecrated wine is offered to both husband and wife, symbolizing the bitter and sweet moments of married life that they will share together. This is followed by a final ritual journey when their hands are joined with an embroidered cloth and bound to one another, the couple is led around the tetrapod - a symbol of Christ - three times, by the priest carrying the Gospels. Again, the couple is starting their journey together by following the Word of God with Christ as the cornerstone of their life’s foundation.

The concluding prayer invokes God’s blessing on the couple until their crowns are received into God’s kingdom.  

In every Catholic liturgical rite, marriage is a sacrament that places you on a life journey of complete self-giving (and hopefully, a crown will be your prize!). Francis and I began our life journey walking as a couple over the threshold of the church and hope to journey together towards the Kingdom of Heaven while building our domestic church day by day. Regardless of rite or tradition, all Catholics are building the same Church - in their marriages and homes - each in their own way. This is the beauty of the Church: its unity and its diversity.

 

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About the author: Julia Dezelski is currently finishing a doctorate in Theology. Her areas of interest include marriage and family, consecrated states of life, and the feminine genius among others. Julia was married last December in Washington, DC and can’t wait to cuddle with her first child due in January.

A Heart of Responsibility for Your Wedding Guests

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“Spouses,” wrote Pope St. John Paul II, “are therefore the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross; they are for one another and for the children witnesses to the salvation in which the sacrament makes them sharers.” Permanent. Witnesses. In the moments after you and your beloved have spoken your vows, and on through all the rest of this life, you’re given the graces of great joy and a sweetness that lightens crosses to come. You’re also shouldered with a new responsibility: to bear the self-emptying love of Christ to the world--sometimes overtly, and other times without a word.

Responsibility can feel heavy, during the season of wedding planning and beyond: experiencing division in your family relationships because of your faith beliefs, willing the good of your beloved even when your heart’s just not in it, caring for young children. It can also come with a temptation to pride. It might be manifest in a sense of personally desiring to change minds on matters like marriage, contraception, and divorce, whether through direct or indirect rhetorical or religious argument.

These are completely normal, understandable tendencies. Moreover, they’re rooted in a desire that’s good. When you feel so convicted of the joy on tap in a distinctively Catholic wedding and marriage, it’s natural that you want to share its fullness with those you love and help open the door to a new perspective. It’s helpful, in this sense, to view the weight of responsibility to your wedding guests as a way to be witnesses, compassionate yet strong. You can choose to extend an opportunity for understanding the Catholic faith, ever the same, in a new and inviting light.

With a spirit of charity and intentionality in mind, there are ways you can lift up your family and friends in the hope that their hearts be more fully disposed to experience truth, goodness, and beauty on your wedding day.

Pray for your wedding guests.

Ultimately, of course, the point of your wedding is to enter into a sacrament with the one God has called you to love and sanctify. At the same time, the Church is a body, a community. The two of you aren’t in this alone, yet amid the busyness of preparing for your big day, it’s sometimes easy to lose sight of who it’s for. Make a conscious effort to step back and  view your guests as the individuals dear to you and to your families that they are, rather than an endless list of names for whom to track down RSVPs and seating assignments. Prayer, too, can shift your focus for the better. Clarity. Pray for your wedding guests by name as you address their invitations, offer a decade of the rosary for a different individual or family each day, and if you feel comfortable, invite guests to privately share their prayer intentions via email or your wedding website.

Consider limiting alcohol.

Dominic Prummer, O.P., a Dominican priest, wrote, “Drink to the point of hilarity.” This recommendation generally conveys a spirit of giddiness and freedom, but not mere license. If, depending on the dynamics of your guests, you anticipate the possibility of drunkenness putting a damper on your reception, consider choosing alcohol options that encourage choice and intention, rather than zero limits. You might opt for an open bar for the first few hours of the evening, for instance, then switch to cash later in the reception, or consider offering a smaller selection of spirits.

In all things, cultivate charity and peace.

So often, what sets a person of faith apart is in her actions, not just her words or theological arguments. The trials of wedding planning and preparation for marriage--last-minute emergencies, sexual self-control, delicate conversations over matters of faith or etiquette--all present an opportunity to conduct yourself with virtue, and to bear an example of Christ-like love to those in your life. Practically speaking, that might look like choosing peace over overreaction as inconveniences arise, sharing a few minutes of quality face time with each of your guests during your reception, reminding them of their value and your gratitude, and handling conversations about morals or manners with empathy in mind first, and conversion second.

The particular sense of responsibility each couple feels for their wedding guests varies by matters of faith, past wounds, and strengths and weaknesses among family members. We’ve known the pain of division and disagreement ourselves, and the desire to share what is good with loved ones. Know of our prayers for each of you, and know that in the Father all things are made whole--even if the fruits aren’t visible in this life. If there’s a particular way you’ve developed a heart of responsibility for your own friends and family, we’re eager to hear them in the comments and on our social media.

NFP: What It Is, How It Works, and Why It Is a Blessing to Married Couples

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

It is NFP Awareness Week worldwide, and here at Spoken Bride, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to share the beauty of the Church's teaching on marriage, sexuality, and openness to life. We hope this post will be a helpful introduction or refresher for those of you are preparing for marriage, especially if your diocese or parish does not require an extensive course in NFP. Note that this is NOT an exhaustive resource on the Church's teaching or NFP. Please feel free to email us if you'd like any more information or want to hear about our personal experiences with NFP.

One of the most maligned and misunderstood teachings of the Church is her teaching on sexuality and chastity, specifically within the context of marriage. Some Catholics are under the impression that the Church requires everyone to have as many children as possible; some balk at the prohibition against contraception because it seems so unreasonable in the modern world; and some assume that since chastity is required before marriage, it must no longer be needed after a couple says, “I do.”

These misconceptions are completely understandable considering our current cultural climate, and the confusion that surrounds sexuality in general. The Church seems like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness of secular society, and it's often difficult for couples to hear that voice in the midst of the craziness of wedding planning. 

Erik Bello Photography.

Erik Bello Photography.

The Church’s teaching on marital sexuality

In reality, the Church’s teaching on marriage and sexuality is both beautiful and challenging--just like the Christian life in general. According to the Church, all men and women, regardless of their state in life, are called to practice the virtue of chastity. Chastity is the virtue (spiritual strength) that helps us to integrate our sexuality into the entirety of our being, in order to  truthfully love those we are sexually attracted to instead of using them.

The practice of this virtue looks different depending on one’s state of life. For married couples, chastity means respecting the reality of sex and sexuality: that God designed sexual intercourse to be a unitive and procreative expression of love between a husband and wife. Marital love should be freely given, faithful (emotionally and sexually exclusive), total (the gift of one’s entire self, including fertility), and fruitful (open to having biological children, if able, and adopting/making marriage fruitful in some other way if biological children are not a possibility). Chastity for married people also means avoiding any lustful thoughts or actions: using others (even their wife/husband) as a means of getting sexual pleasure.

This means that anything that thwarts either the unitive or procreative aspects of marital love-making is contrary to God’s design for marriage and sex, and must be avoided. Contraception (both hormonal contraceptives and barrier methods), pornography, adultery, and the like all fall into the “sins against chastity within marriage” category.


Most people can see why pornography and adultery are on the list...but contraception? Isn’t this the 21st century? Doesn’t contraception help marriages by giving couples and easy way to avoid having a child if it wouldn’t be convenient or good for the family to do so? How can the Church expect so much of couples?

The Church can ask married couples to be open to life for the same reason she can ask us to love our enemies, or care for the poor, or put the needs of others before our own: Christ entrusted the Church with the ability to dispense divine life (grace) via the Sacraments, and marriage is a Sacrament.

God never leaves us alone in our attempts to follow his will--he always provides us with the grace to grow in virtue and practice self-control.

Yes, it is easier (in some ways) to take a birth control pill or have an IUD inserted or use a condom each time you have sex than it is to practice Natural Family Planning, in which couples prayerfully discern whether or not to avoid or postpone pregnancy by abstaining from sex during the wife's fertile cycle. But the Christian life is not about what is easy, it’s about what is true, good, and beautiful. And once the physiological and spiritual differences between avoiding pregnancy via contraception and avoiding pregnancy based on Natural Family Planning methods becomes clear, it is evident that the Church, like any good mother, only wants what’s best for her children.

If this is the first time you’re learning this information, you (or your fiancé) may have some questions, which is great! The first step to trusting Christ and the Church is to be open to learning the reasons behind Catholic teaching. Below are the answers to several frequently asked questions (based on my experience as a theology teacher, RCIA instructor, and marriage prep catechist).

Erik Bello Photography.

Erik Bello Photography.

Frequently Asked Questions about NFP

I heard NFP is the rhythm method, and that the rhythm method isn’t reliable. Is that true?

No! NFP is not the rhythm method. You may have heard that it is because many of our parents and grandparents grew up thinking that was the only “natural” way to space children. Unfortunately, the rhythm method was based on the (faulty) idea that all women ovulate on day 14 of their cycle, which is not the case. Modern Natural Family Planning methods can be used by the majority of women, regardless of the regularity of their cycles, and are scientifically proven to be as effective as birth control when used correctly, because they are based on the observable signs of a woman’s fertility each month. Scroll down for a list of resources if you want to learn more about the different methods of NFP and which one would be best for you.

Isn’t NFP just “natural contraception”?

NFP can be used as a natural form of contraception, but that is not how the Church asks couples to use it. The Church teaches that couples must exercise prayerful and prudential judgment regarding avoiding/spacing pregnancy in each season of their marital life. This means that if a couple has a serious reason to avoid pregnancy or space your pregnancies, they may do so by not having sex during the fertile period of your cycle. It does not mean that Catholic couples may use NFP to indefinitely postpone/avoid pregnancy or avoid pregnancy for selfish reasons.

When is it okay to avoid/space your pregnancies?

The Church teaches that spouses should practice responsible parenting, meaning if a couple discerns that it is not the right time to have another child, the couple may avoid having sex during your fertile time until said problem is resolved. There is no obligation for couples to have sex during a woman’s fertile period each month. Therefore, it is not necessarily sinful to avoid pregnancy or space your pregnancies using NFP. However, it is essential that married couples prayerfully discern these decisions together, and, if need be, with a competent spiritual director.

What if I don’t want ten kids?

The Church does not teach that a woman must have as many children as her body can bear. Some couples are called to have large families, but not all. The important thing is, like in all aspects of the Christian life, to be open to the Lord’s plan being different from our plan. I know couples who desperately wanted to have large families and for whatever reason, have not been able to conceive or “only” have two or three kids. I know couples who never saw themselves having big families, but now have six, seven, or eight kids. Regardless of how many children a couple is blessed with, there will be crosses and difficulties and stressful situations. But there will also be the unspeakable joy that only comes when we let go of our plans and ideas and allow the Lord to take over.

WIll NFP ruin our sex life?

Using NFP to avoid pregnancy involves mutual sacrifice on the part of the husband and wife; it’s not easy to abstain from making love when a woman is fertile, nor is it easy to accept a child when he or she wasn’t “planned.” But it also involves increased communication between husband and wife, which can result in more intimacy, not less. The Church maintains that God would not ask something of us without giving us the grace to do it, which is one of the reasons why marriage is a Sacrament. That said, couples who practice NFP need the support and encouragement of like-minded couples, which is why building Catholic community in the local parish (or even online) is so important.

Do I have to learn/practice NFP?

Some couples have a “come what may” philosophy when it comes to family planning. They don’t learn or practice NFP (or use contraception). That is something that each couple must discern. However, it is a good idea to learn an NFP method in case you need it in the future to 1) become pregnant (this is actually one of the primary reasons why many couples practice NFP) or 2) avoid pregnancy should an issue arise later in your marriage. It’s also incredibly helpful for both husband and wife to understand and appreciate a woman’s cycle, especially if it is irregular. So many potential fertility issues can be resolved by practicing basic fertility awareness using NFP, and seeking out an NFP-only OB/GYN to address those issues.

Personally, I’m grateful that I began charting my cycle long before I met my husband, because I discovered that I have a progesterone deficiency, which can lead to difficulties becoming and/or staying pregnant. Thanks to NFP and my progesterone supplements, we are pregnant with our first child, and it only took us two cycles to conceive.

The bottom line:

Our perennial temptation as fallen human beings is to make idols. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we want to be our own gods, to make our own rules, and to live life on our terms. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know how destructive that way of life is, even though it may seem easier in the short term. What Christ and the Church ask of us isn’t easy: surrender never is. But we’re not surrendering to a capricious God who wants us as his slaves; we’re surrendering to a loving Father who loves us as his children. Choosing to say “yes” to the Church’s teachings on marital chastity is not easy, but because God is the author of marriage and sex, following His commandments is the only true, good, and beautiful way to live out this vocation.

Resource List:

Books

Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla (St. John Paul II)

Humanae Vitae by Pope Paul VI

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler (not Catholic, but a good resource on fertility awareness)

The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

Articles/Blog posts:

Contraception: Why Not? By Dr. Janet Smith

Why not just use birth control? Some possible right answers. & NFP in real life: hard, but worth it. (both by Jenny Uebbing of Mama Needs Coffee)

When Natural Family Planning doesn’t go according to your plan (by Christy Isinger of Fountains of Home)

NFP should be a part of parish life (by Haley Stewart of Carrots for Michaelmas)

Dear Newlywed: you’re probably worried about the wrong thing. (by Kendra Tierney of Catholic All Year)

Podcast: Uncharted Territory: Getting Real about Natural Family Planning (Jenny Uebbing, Haley Stewart, and Christy Isinger)

General fertility education:

Natural Womanhood

Indy Fertility Care Blog

In Touch Fertility

NFP Methods:

The Couple to Couple League (Sympto-thermal NFP)

The Billings Method of NFP

The Creighton Method of NFP

The Marquette Method of NFP

NFP-friendly Medical Providers:

The Guiding Star Project (holistic women’s health clinics)

NaProTECHNOLOGY Practitioners in the United States

 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Why I'm Grateful for Traditional Wedding Vows

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

This probably isn't a surprise to most, but when you get married in the Catholic Church, you don't get to write your own vows. For some, this might be difficult to accept as the wedding industry attempts to ingrain in brides that their wedding day is preeminently theirs and every detail and moment of the day should reflect them alone.

Moreover, movies, TV shows, and real-life weddings often show in beautiful, humorous, and tear-jerking ways that vows can be a way to express the unique love shared between the bride and groom--a love not shared by any other couple. Being told you must use vows shared with countless other couples can be a bit of a letdown.

However, the problem the Church has with couples writing their own vows is that, by doing so, they pledge themselves to their own idea of what marriage is rather than what the Church teaches marriage is. What, then, does the Church teach that marriage is?

There's a part in C.S. Lewis's Till We Have Faces that I think movingly encapsulates the Christian truth about marriage. In the passage that follows, the character of Psyche is about to be sacrificed to a monster. Despite her fate, she is surprisingly full of equanimity and tells her sister:

 "And how would it be better if I had lived? I suppose I should have been given to some king in the end...And there you can see again how little difference there is between dying and being married. To leave your home — to lose you...to lose one's maidenhead — to bear a child — they are all deaths."

 Amidst wedding day daydreams of dresses and flowers and perfect color palettes, the idea of marriage as a death might seem emphatically unromantic. But as with death, there is a veil that covers marriage preventing us from fully seeing what is beyond. No matter the amount of preparation you put into marriage, you still can't fully understand what you're getting into until you're actually in thick of it.

In fact, marriage is more than just a death, in the sense that you can't see beyond the threshold of the wedding day.

Like any vocation, marriage is a crucifixion. When you answer 'Yes' to God's call in your life, you choose to nail your will to Christ's on the Cross.

And herein lies the paradoxical truth of weddings and marriage that stands at odds with the culture's understanding: we're told your wedding day is only about you and your spouse, a celebration of you, a grand display of your wills to marry now, but then to do what you will later.

The Church tells you your wedding and your marriage are not about you. Or rather, they are about you insofar as they are about Christ. Marriage is designed for the salvation of your soul and of the the souls your marriage touches for the glory of Christ. Your wedding day is the willing renunciation of your will. 

How can we then presume to be able to put together more fitting words for entering into a mystery we cannot fully understand? Who better than the Church can give us the right words to renounce our wills and unite them to the Cross?

Like a mother teaching her small child to speak, she teaches you to speak the right words. In her wisdom, she gives you words carefully crafted and passed down through the centuries. They are words that clearly spell out the gravity of what you are doing: making a solemn vow in front of God and man--a vow that cannot be put asunder by will or undone in times of difficulty or distress.

Yes, they are words shared by a multitude of other couples, but for that reason they bind you more closely to the whole Body of Christ. They are words you will be asked to repeat in your thoughts, words, and actions every day of your marriage. And they are words imbued with sacramental grace, to help you and your spouse become a living sign to the world of the love between Christ and His Church.

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About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a native of Houston, Texas though she dreams of spending her days frolicking in the English countryside. She and her husband met at the University of St. Thomas, where she studied English literature, and they were married at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Walsingham on the Feast of the Visitation in 2014. Her life is currently composed of running Pax Paper, a hand-lettering and illustration business, blogging about the transcendental aspects of motherhood (among other things) at A Quiet Quest, and chasing after her rambunctious and delightful toddler son.

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Creating a Meaningful Wedding Mass Program

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The audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast on 10/13/2020.

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Without a doubt, designing the program for our wedding Mass was my favorite part of the entire wedding-planning process.  I have a lifelong passion for communicating and explaining the truths of our faith to others: I was a high school theology teacher for nine years and have been a catechist of some kind since college. I saw my program as an opportunity to explain, particularly to our non-Catholic and non-practicing-Catholic guests, the beauty of the Mass and the Church’s teaching on marriage. I’m not naive to think that everyone present actually read the program, but I knew that some people would, and prayed that the Lord would use it to draw our wedding guests more deeply into the liturgy. 

Be clear about the mechanics of Mass.

Perhaps the most confusing thing for non-Catholics when they come to Mass, especially for the first time, is all of the standing, sitting, kneeling, and responding that we do. Normally, the priest will give directions to the congregation (most priests are well aware that a percentage of those at Catholic weddings are not familiar with the Mass), but sometimes he forgets or people need extra reminders. This is where your program comes in. Below is an example of what I mean:

First Reading

Please sit

When the lector says “The Word of the Lord,” at the conclusion of the reading, you may respond “Thanks be to God.”  

These instructions won't increase your page count by much, and go a long way to making non-Catholics feel more comfortable during Mass. Note: if you use Latin Mass parts, it’s a good idea to provide your guests with a translation.

Break Open the Word

Chances are that the priest or deacon who preaches at your wedding won’t have time to go into detail about each of your chosen readings, which may leave your biblically illiterate guests feeling a bit lost. One way to help them understand the Scripture readings is to provide brief explanations of why you chose each reading, and if necessary, some context for your readings. Believe it or not, most of your wedding guests (even the faithful Catholic ones) probably haven’t read the entire book of Tobit. Here’s what I wrote for our first reading:

First Reading Tobit 8:4b-8   

Context: Tobit’s son, Tobiah, has just married his kinswoman Sarah at the encouragement of the (disguised) archangel Raphael. Sarah is oppressed by a demon who has killed her last seven husbands on their wedding night. Raphael helps Tobiah and Sarah to vanquish the demon and encourages them to pray before consummating their marriage.

The couple chose this reading because of the important role that prayer has played (and will continue to play) in their relationship, and because the prayer of Tobiah and Sarah recounts the establishment of marriage by God in Genesis.

The Rite of Marriage

It’s no secret that Catholic weddings are different from secular, or even Protestant weddings, but many of your guests may not realize that the Catholic understanding of marriage is unique as well. Consider including an explanatory line or two about marriage as a Sacrament, the significance of the vows and rings, and an explanation of any special wedding traditions you’re incorporating into the rite (such as holding a crucifix or exchanging arras). For example:

In the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament, which means that it is a visible sign of God’s grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which Divine life is dispensed to us. This is what makes Catholic marriage so much more than a legal union, and why it must be--like God’s love for us--free, total, faithful, and fruitful. Ideally, a marriage between two Christians should be a clear, visible sign of God’s love for his people.

A note about the crucifix: Kristian and Christina decided to incorporate the Croatian tradition of holding a crucifix together while professing their vows. This symbolizes the fact that marriage, like all vocations, is a sharing in Christ’s cross and resurrection, and that both spouses are called to lay down their lives for one another as Christ did for us. The couple will hang the crucifix in a place of honor in their home so that they can be reminded to carry their crosses together and unite their sufferings with Christ’s.

The Source and Summit

The Liturgy of the Eucharist is the reason why Catholics celebrate the marriage rite within the context of the Mass. Unfortunately, the Blessed Sacrament is also commonly mistaken for a mere symbol or ritual by non-Catholics (and misinformed Catholics), which is understandable considering how mysterious the Real Presence is. A little bit of explanation goes a long way to clearing up these misconceptions. Here’s what we did:

The Liturgy of the Eucharist

The Eucharist is the “source and summit” of the Catholic faith, because it is Jesus himself, mysteriously present, body, blood, soul, and divinity under the signs of bread and wine. Thus, the Liturgy of the Eucharist is the high point of the Mass.

Offertory

During the offertory, we bring up the bread and wine that will be offered to the Father and transformed by the Holy Spirit into the Body and Blood of Christ. We also present our hearts, minds, souls, and all of our cares and concerns to the Father who loves us. The prayers of blessing that the priest prays over the gifts hearken back to the prayers of blessing over meals that Jesus would have prayed at the Last Supper that he shared with his disciples.

Great Amen

At the end of the priest’s prayer, the congregation chants “Amen”. In saying “Amen”, we say “yes, I believe” that the bread and wine that were on the altar are now sacramentally Jesus’ body and blood.

Who may receive the Eucharist?

Only baptized Catholics who have received their first communion, are practicing the faith, and are not aware of having committed mortal sins since their last confession may receive the Eucharist. If you are not going to receive, please remain in your seat and pray for and with the couple.

Not only were these explanations helpful to our non-Catholic family and friends, but we  had faithful Catholic guests approach us after the wedding and comment on how beneficial these explanations were for them and their own prayer during Mass.

There’s Something about Mary…

After teaching the faith for over a decade, it no longer surprises me when non-Catholics and Catholics alike think that we worship Mary. Usually, this is the result of a misunderstanding of the meaning of the word “worship.” Worship is not the same as prayer, reverence, or honor. Worship is the surrender of one’s entire self to someone or something--and that surrender is due only to God. If you’re planning on presenting a bouquet of flowers to Mary as a couple during your nuptial Mass and know you’ll have Protestant guests at your wedding who may be confused about how we understand Marian devotion, consider including something like this in your program:  

It is traditional for the newly married couple to honor Mary with a gift of flowers. Contrary to popular misconception, Catholics do not worship Mary. Worship is due to God alone. We honor Mary as Jesus’ mother, the woman whose “yes” made our salvation possible. “What the Catholic faith believes about Mary is based on what it believes about Christ, and what it teaches about Mary illumines in turn its faith in Christ” (Catechism of the Catholic Church # 487).

Again, I don’t know if anyone read this explanation or had their minds or hearts changed on the matter of honoring Mary, but I DO know that if they wanted more information, it was available to them.

Little extras

If you have room in your budget for a long-ish program, consider adding some inspirational quotations from Scripture, Saints, or theologians. I’ve compiled a short list below of some of my favorites, but there are many more to choose from!

"Love is the light--and in the end, the only light--that can always illuminate a world grown dim and give us the courage needed to keep living and working. Love is possible, and we are able to practice it because we are created in the image of God." --Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI

“Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony.” Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love. In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb.” --Catechism of the Catholic Church #148-150

“Grace has the power to make straight the paths of human love.” --St. John Paul II

“How can I ever express the happiness of a marriage joined by the Church, strengthened by an offering, sealed by a blessing, announced by angels, and ratified by the Father? . . . How wonderful the bond between two believers, now one in hope, one in desire, one in discipline, one in the same service! They are both children of one Father and servants of the same Master, undivided in spirit and flesh, truly two in one flesh. Where the flesh is one, one also is the spirit.”--Tertullian, an early Church Father

"Then, in the excess of my delirious joy, I cried out: O Jesus, my Love...my vocation, at last I have found it...MY VOCATION IS LOVE!" --St. Therese of Lisieux

St. Gregory of Nazianzus on the marriage of his parents: "They encourage us to virtue...he has been her good shepherd, whom she has prayed for and guided on his way; from her he has received the model for being a good shepherd. Both are of one dignity, of one mind, of one soul, no less in partnership of virtue and closeness to God than in a partnership of flesh. They compete with each other equally in length of life and silver of hair, in prudence and in brilliance...they are held back little by the flesh, far advanced in spirit...The world is both not theirs and theirs-one world they ignore, the other they far prefer. They have disposed of their riches, and have become rich through the industry of holiness, despising one sort of wealth and buying instead the riches of the world to come."

“Do not forget that true love sets no conditions; it does not calculate or complain, but simply loves.” --St. John Paul II

I hope this has been a helpful guide to creating a more meaningful program for the most important part of your wedding day. Please feel free to copy and paste any part of this post to use for your program, and share with other Catholic brides-to-be who may be interested.

Spoken Bride offers a beautiful, pre-formatted, and customizable Novus Ordo Wedding mass program that clearly, respectfully explains the Catholic faith and liturgy. Please visit our shop for more information.

 

 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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4 Ways Your Wedding Website Can Be a Means of Evangelization

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

Aside from details like the who, the where, and the RSVPs, directing guests to your wedding website offers a unique occasion to share your faith with your family and friends. If you and your fiancé have chosen to create one, it's certain nearly everyone invited to your big day will visit your site as soon as they see the address online or in their Save the Date. So, consider your website your letter to family and friends--a large, and possibly varied, audience. Pray together about what message you hope to convey as you introduce your guests to who you are as a couple and to what your wedding day will be all about.

Stating why you believe what you do, in your own words and in a way that's truthful, casual, and aimed at the heart, can go a long way in making your Catholic wedding an invitation to deeper understanding and a witness to the beauty of marriage in the Church. You might consider adding any or all of these elements to your site:

Tell the story of a saint who's had a hand in your relationship.

If the Father and the communion of saints have written your love story, consider saying so. True stories of virtue and holiness speak for themselves, and they also provide an opportunity to break down why and how Catholics call upon the saints' intercession.

Include explanations of parts of the Mass, like communion and the Rite of Marriage, for guests who might be unfamiliar.

Briefly and charitably discussing modest dress in the chapel, guidelines for who can receive communion and why, and reasons the Rite of Marriage matters for the sacrament can all go a long way in making your guests--particularly non-Catholics or those who've been away from the faith--feel at ease and not experience surprises that could be misperceived as exclusive or judgmental, like a non-Catholic not being permitted to receive the Eucharist.

Host an open-invitation holy hour after your rehearsal.

One of the most treasured moments of my life was praying with my college best friend moments before her wedding rehearsal, in the chapel on our campus where we'd both, at some point, alternately smiled and wept thinking about our future husbands, babies, and marriages over the years. The tears poured down as we knelt shoulder to shoulder and as I marveled at how the Father had answered each of our hopes and prayers so specifically and abundantly in the men he gave to us.

At another wedding I was invited to, the bride and groom had their priest and a few friends help lead an hour of Adoration, confession, and Praise and Worship the night before the wedding for any guests who wished to attend. Heaven touches earth during those moments of hope and anticipation. Following suit, by planning a holy hour and sharing the details with your guests via your wedding site, is amazing for both you and your beloved and for friends and family who will share in your joy and intercede for your marriage.

Invite guests to leave their intentions on your wedding site, and pray for them.

Online guestbooks and song requests are fun, standard fare, but have you considered additionally including an Intention Box on your website for your guests? Create a page for family and friends to privately submit their prayer requests to you and your fiancé. Prayer for those you've invited to share in your day, whether they're attending or not attending, is a lovingly specific act of generosity. 

I hope these ways of evangelizing to your guests sincerely call your family and friends into communion with you and express what you stand for in a loving way, particularly if there are sensitivities among them where faith is concerned.

Above all, though, I truly think the best, most important witness of all is one that doesn't even need to be typed and posted--quite simply, the joy of entering into marriage with a pure heart, radiant, evident joy, and desire for complete self-gift is impossible to ignore.

Don't worry about it being your personal responsibility to change anyone's mind about the Church. Pray for each of your guests as you address their invitations or plan your reception seating, and place them in the hands of Our Lady and her son. Be yourselves--the selves who so clearly wear their love for all to see--knowing your love flows from Love himself, and what you value and what sets your marriage apart will be crystal clear. I promise!

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How to Talk About Cohabitation, Part 2 | Unexpected Ways Chastity Can Prepare You for Your Marriage

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

Two weeks ago, we started a discussion on what it means to evangelize your wedding guests by choosing to wait until after the wedding to live together. The first post in this series described what that kind of evangelization actually looks like, alongside tips for engaging your friends and family in productive conversations about cohabitation. We're concluding these posts today with points to consider in your own relationship and in preparation for the everyday of uniting your life, your habits, and your belongings with someone else's.

Chastity is creative.

Whether a couple is practicing chastity or not, the implication with living together is that they are having sex. For the couple who is having sex, the emotional and physical bond it creates can make it harder to see the relationship with clear eyes. “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding...Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not.” For the couple who is abstaining from sex, there's not really a way to convince people outside the relationship that they are living together, but not sleeping together, creating an occasion for gossip and scandal.

Chastity, which differs from abstinence in part because it doesn’t end in marriage, is creative. It demands radical sacrifice and bears a life more fully and freely lived, and it challenges and encourages you as a couple to express your love in ways beyond the physical.

How to practice for married life, without moving in together

Take the matter of how to practically prepare for married life, for instance. While some put forth that moving in together is a way to “test run” your potential marriage and determine whether you’re compatible in your living habits, I’d argue there are plenty of creative alternatives to practice for your future roommate status, including cooking, completing wedding projects and DIYs, and building furniture or making improvements to your future home together. Activities like these offer a glimpse of how your future spouse deals with mental or physical challenges, differences of opinion, and the tension between collaborating or pursuing tasks independently. Chances are, they'll also hold up a mirror to how you handle these same concerns.

What’s more, working on projects and small daily tasks together during a time when you are proximately preparing for marriage takes the “test” aspect out of “test run.” Although discernment doesn’t necessarily end at engagement, the two of you have made a commitment to each other. What that looks like, practically speaking, is a level of respect and permanence that wasn’t there before. The “test” or “trial” mentality tends to cultivate a sense of waiting for the other person to make a mistake or to cast doubt on your certainty, rather than call to mind the strengths of the other and encourage honest discussion of areas in which the both of you can call each other on.

Constantly purified

If you’re reading this and you are living with your fiance, believe that the Father knows your heart and the intentions behind that choice. He loves you so tenderly, desiring only your best good in a specific, personal way. It’s not too late to change your living arrangements before your wedding or to make the choice to abstain from sex until you’re married. It’s a bold, hard, and possibly inconvenient choice, but one that will strengthen your marriage before it starts by refining your ability to lay your desires down for the sake of the other. Bear in mind, as well, that some dioceses require couples to live apart for a certain period before the wedding as a part of their marriage preparation.

No matter what their living situation and what path they’ve been on, every couple’s path to the altar is a constant purification, constant fire. Whatever yours, know you don’t walk it alone. There is sweetness in the Cross’s heaviness, because on the other side lies immeasurable rejoicing. Living out our identity in Christ and our sexuality as they are meant to be lived makes us free. And freedom is for love.

We're eager to continue this conversation. Is there anything we've left out, or anything you'd like to add to the matters of chastity and marriage prep discussed here? What has your experience been of preparing for married life in the everyday?

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How to Talk About Cohabitation, Part 1 | An Appeal to the Heart.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

In an age where more than half of marriages begin with cohabitation and the majority of cohabiters view their living situation as a step towards marriage (whether that would entail a "slide" into marriage or an active decision), waiting until after your wedding to live together has come to be perceived as, at least, counter-cultural and at most, foolhardy. Well-meaning friends and family might receive news of your engagement with, "So are you going to move in soon?"

It's tempting to answer questions like these with an emphatic "Of course not," followed by a discourse on Church teaching. Honestly, though? That approach might not win many converts to your point of view; or, if not conversion, at least a clearer, more reasoned understanding of your views. Engagement is rich with potential minefields of moral questions from those you know, which also makes it rich with potential opportunities: occasions to truly listen to and see another and to defy stereotypes of what evangelization is all about.

Truth speaks for itself

I've become convinced that in many ways, the what of arguments in favor of the Catholic faith are secondary to the how of the way you present them. It's true that the Church's position on waiting until you are a married couple to act like a married couple is nonnegotiable. It's in the best interest of the person's capacity for virtue and true freedom. Yet often, appeals to authority and argument often aren't nearly as compelling as appealing to the human heart.

What I mean by an appeal to the heart is this: when you're living out your words, actions, sexuality, and identity as they're meant to be lived--that is, with the intention of cultivating authentic love and self-sacrifice, eyes fixed on heaven--there is something so arresting, so captivating, so eminently noticeable. In the case of engagement, a couple who chooses to forego convenience and to practice sexual self-control embodies self-gift. Their relationship witnesses to the truth of who we are, and the truth that joy flows from love’s demands. Love centered on Christ and on the other speaks for itself, all without saying a word.

A way to explain why you aren’t living together before marriage

But words are most likely going to come up at some point. So what's a faithful couple to say?

It’s possible to create a non-religious ethos without compromising your religious beliefs--after all, we as Catholics believe that the Father’s plan for our freedom and happiness aligns with natural law and natural virtue. When someone asks why you and your fiancé have chosen not to live together before marriage, consider asking him or her what the point of serious dating and engagement actually are. Once a relationship is serious, both people are committed to each other to some degree, whether that commitment has been communicated verbally or through an engagement ring.

If, during that time, the couple is preparing for the long term (in whatever way that looks like to them--cohabitation for many secular couples, and ideally not cohabitation for faithful ones), it's important to know what strengths and good qualities your partner possesses, and how their virtues will help you yourself to grow in virtue. Someone who opts to live together before marriage is essentially saying she is okay living and sleeping with someone she isn’t married to. A wedding ring won't automatically change that outlook.  

Granted, the likelihood of unfaithfulness in the context of this argument is a little extreme; there are certainly couples who live together and genuinely will good things for each other. Ultimately, though, the fact that your partner wants the fun trappings of married life but not the true commitment of having spoken marriage vows shows a lack of self-discipline and patience. Would most people want to be married to someone who could control their desires and say no, or to someone who couldn't?  

Choosing to wait until after the wedding to move in is a way to grow in that discipline and self-control. So, the point of a committed relationship isn't to see how much one can get from the other--the convenience, fun, and romance of living together before marriage, that is--but how much one can give, by loving selflessly.

If you’re reading this and you are living with your fiancé, believe that the Father knows your heart and the intentions behind that choice. He loves you so tenderly, desiring only your best good in a specific, personal way. It’s not too late to change your living arrangements before your wedding or to make the choice to abstain from sex until you’re married. It’s a bold, hard, and possibly inconvenient choice, but one that will strengthen your marriage before it starts by refining your ability to lay your desires down for the sake of the other.

Check back in two weeks for the conclusion of this post, including practical ways to practice for married life without moving in together or diminishing the virtue and true freedom found in chastity.

Meantime, dialogue is so needed in this commonplace conversation, and we'd love your input: in your experience, has the question of cohabitation come up from friends and family members? Anything you'd like to add on the question of how to witness to the Catholic faith in an authentic way and how to answer questions about why you're waiting to move in together?

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Elise's Wedding | Why It Matters That We're Marrying in a Church, and Choosing Our Mass + Reception Locations

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ELISE CRAWFORD

 

SAVE THE DATE ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography: Meaghan Clare Photography at The Shrine of St. Anthony 

Hunter and I now are in the thick of wedding planning! In the last month, we looked at 10 different reception venues (!) and three different church locations. In the spirit of honesty... this process was much more difficult than I expected.

After viewing all of the venues, we chose a church for the Mass, one five minutes from my parents' home, and a beautiful reception venue located about 15 minutes from the church. We booked both for August 5, 2017. Well, one week after we did so, the reception venue called and informed us that August 5th was no longer available! Long story short, we ended up pushing our wedding back one week and booking another church.

Needless to say, this whole experience was a bit stressful. Coordination between the church and reception venue was not the easiest. So why, as Catholics, do we value the location of our wedding ceremonies? Why do we need to marry in a church? Why couldn't I just get married at my reception location? 

According to Canon Law, a couple who wishes to be married in the Catholic Church must do so according to canonical form. This means a marriage between two Catholics, or between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic, is to be celebrated in a formal church setting. Those who wish to wed someplace else, say outdoors, must obtain permission from their Diocesan Bishop. This is a true possibility, but receiving this permission isn't very easy. In order for a dispensation to be granted, there must be a grave reason why the couple cannot marry within a church. 

So, does the Church just want to cramp our style? Does it just like limiting our choices for wedding locations to make things difficult? Of course the answer is no! But why?

The answer goes back to the fact that marriage, at its core, is a sacrament. At the moment of our vows, Hunter and I will be entering into a sacred bond, something that exists beyond just the two of us. This 'yes' to each other involves not only our decision to marry, but it also involves our Creator, our Redeemer and our Lover, Jesus Christ. The act of having a wedding within the Church is a reminder of our origin as human beings. We were created in Love and it is within the presence of God, Love itself, that we promise a forever love to each other as husband and wife. 

As Catholics, we recognize the sacredness of a physical church. Not only is it a place of prayer and peace, it is the home of the Eucharist. One could argue that yes, we do find God's presence everywhere-- in nature, in every day moments--but it is within a church, in the presence of Jesus' body and blood, that we find him fully: body, blood, soul and divinity. The Catholic Church recognizes the beauty and sacredness of marriage and therefore asks couples to share in that sacredness on their wedding day; to enter into the sacrament of marriage in the presence of God himself ,asking him to be present with them as they begin their life together. 

Paulist Father Larry Rice wrote, "A church isn't just a set or backdrop for a wedding; rather, a wedding is an expression of a faith community's joys and hopes." One of the most humbling parts of planning a wedding is realizing that it's really not all about you and your fiancé. Suddenly everyone, not just the two of you, has an opinion about the photographer, the food, and the bridesmaid dresses! No matter how stressful, this is a good thing. Planning your life with your future spouse should involve your friends and family. It truly is a communal effort. Sacraments, including the sacrament of marriage, belong not only to the person or people receiving the sacrament, but to those they love and who love them. 

A sister once told me that a vocation, either to religious life, marriage or priesthood, is truly for the whole Church, the whole world. She is so right. Holding your wedding in a Catholic church is a beautiful act of surrendering your marriage, not only to God in asking for His guidance, but to the Church as a whole. By getting married in a church, you are making a statement to your community that says, 'Our marriage belongs to God, our Church, our families and our friends." Like the Eucharist, a married couple is meant to be broken and given. Their talents, love and future family are truly a gift to everyone they encounter. Through good times and bad, the couple will strive to make a gift of themselves to those around them. 

If you're having a difficult time accepting the Church's teaching on your wedding location, take heart. You are not alone! Pray to Our Lady and ask for her to show you the sacred beauty of the Church. Spend time in your local parish praying; open your heart to the beauty of the Tabernacle in front of you. 

Any brides out there that have struggled with finding a reception venue or Church location? Share your experience below in the comments! As always, please pray for Hunter and I as we continue on this journey toward the sacrament of marriage! 

About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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